Deprogramming Myself After Narcissistic Abuse

Hello,

From what I have seen, narcissists (and other abusers) trap their victims by punishing self-care and rewarding self-sabotage. This results in the victims becoming afraid of improving themselves and feeling safest when they are self-harming. The result is a disempowered and dependent victim who believes the abuser when they say "you're so useless/worthless that you can barely take care of yourself, and nobody but me is ever going to be able to tolerate you enough to take care of you either. I'm the only one who can keep you alive, so you have to stay here and put up with my abuse, because the alternative is death".

For example: every time you sit down to study/work, the narcissist starts practicing their instrument, working out, or vacuuming in the same room as you, and if you ask them for silence, they throw a fit about how you're stopping them from taking care of their (or your) basic needs. Or they ask you for help with something, or say you're neglecting them, or the subject you're pursuing is worthless, or your posture is bad, etc. etc. etc.

Or maybe you decide to eat healthier, and every time you start cooking, they come over and say that they were about to use the stove, and now that you're using it, they'll just have to eat a microwave meal, so it's your fault they're unhealthy. Or they walk past and say "way to make me feel fat", or "geez, starting a diet without me? I thought we were going to get healthy together", or "you think you're so much better than me, eating like an instagram fitness influencer. You know you're causing people eating disorders by trying to be so skinny".

Or maybe you decide to start exercising, but every time you set up the home-workout DVD, the narcissist comes into the same room and makes a big fuss about how they were about to clean in there (even though they were just in the middle of watching TV in the other room), and now they can't because of you. Or they tell you you look awkward or ugly while exercising, or that you're making them feel fat and unhealthy by exercising in front of them. Or maybe they were clearly in the middle of something else, and suddenly they need the TV, and you're such a horrible person for always hogging it. And if you decide to avoid them by going for a run or the gym, they'll complain about how you're always leaving them alone, or avoiding them, or something.

No matter what it is you're doing, if you try to improve and empower yourself in any way, the narcissist always finds a way to attack you for it.

Meanwhile, they reward you for self-sabotaging behaviour. They always want to have those deep, meaningful conversations with you right as you're going to bed. They're nicest to you when you're skipping classes or shirking work. They only want to hang out with you when you're with your toxic friends. The only gifts they give you feed into addictions. The only time they stop degrading you is when you look and act repellant, and the only time they take care of you is when you're at your absolute worst.

Self-harm becomes your only sanctuary from the abuse, and the moment you stop, they take over for you.

The result of a lifetime of this conditioning is that your subconscious learns that the only way to stay safe from these little attacks is to never succeed at anything. The moment you try do to anything that could lead to success, your subconscious starts sabotaging you: you develop brain fog, become forgetful, start engaging in negative thought-spirals, and convincing yourself that you're worthless and can never succeed at anything. The smallest tasks begin feeling like insurmountable problems that will destroy you if you try to tackle them, and you feel so paralyzed that you can't even take the first step towards them. You feel perfectly ready to accomplish a task until you get started, at which point it suddenly feels like your brain has fallen apart, and nothing makes sense, and you can't remember how to do the thing you were perfectly capable of doing only seconds ago. And now you're addicted to everything you have access to that can take away your energy, make you hate yourself, burn your bridges, or scramble your brain. You become so addicted to self-sabotage that you ruin any progress that you made and your mental and physical health become so poor that you are forced to take a break and stop trying--and the moment you do, the self sabotage shuts off, because it has done its job, and is no longer needed. Now that you're not trying to succeed, your addictions have evaporated. Your mind has cleared. You've stopped dissociating, and your memory has returned. Tasks that felt impossible when you were trying suddenly feel like a breeze now that you're not. It feels like a veil has been lifted and you've woken up from a hellish dream, and can breathe for the first time in years. You're cured! And all it took was forcing yourself to death's door.

Since I was born into a family of narcissists, this cycle has repeated itself in me over and over again for my whole life: I would start forming healthy habits, building my strength and confidence, and then attempt to do something that could result in me leaving my family, and BOOM--dangerously strong mental health problems that destroy everything I have built. The moment I stop fighting--the moment I give up on all the dreams I had had of leaving and accept that I am dependent on my mother, the self-sabotage stops, and I suddenly feel safe, alive, clear, and healthy again. I begin forming healthy habits again, until I am strong enough to pursue a life outside the home, and the second I try, BAM--the self-sabotage is back again.

My whole life, I had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder. When people said that someone was a narcissist, I thought they were using the term as a synonym for 'ego-centric'--that's it. And then, a few years ago, I finally discovered the disorder, became obsessed with researching it, and now I understand what is happening.

The problem is: understanding what is happening does not stop it from happening. I've known for a year or so now why I self-sabotage, and yet I feel powerless to stop it from happening. It feels like I'm one of those sleeper soldiers who was brainwashed to do something dangerous whenever I encounter a certain trigger, at which point my brain switches off and I lose all control of my body, and do something I'll later regret. Sometimes I barely feel conscious when it is happening--like I've been put to sleep and am watching my body in auto-pilot, running around and destroying my life, and I'm just stuck inside of it screaming for it to stop, but nothing I'm doing is working.

I don't know how to de-program my subconscious. I don't know how to force my brain fog to clear when it forms, or shut my addictions down when they start up, or stop feeling scared when I face my workload. More importantly, I don't know how to stop the self-sabotage system from being triggered in the first place. I don't want to have to face the fear and fight the addiction and force myself to do what feels dangerous and impossible. I want to feel the way I do when I'm not trying to succeed, and my brain is finally clear and awake and healthy, and everything comes easily to me, compared to when I'm self-sabotaging. I can succeed so much faster, and with so much ease when I'm not trying to leave my abuser. I can feel like I'm alive, and stable, and safe. I want that feeling to persist even when I am trying to leave, and get even stronger once I have left.

So how do I do it? How do I deprogram a lifetime of subconscious conditioning? All I can think to do is try the opposite of what my abusers did: reward self-improvement and punish self-harm. But I'm only one person. How do I counteract 32 years of the opposite treatment from 4+ people--especially when I'm still living with one of them?

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Sen

Yep. I don't advise waiting until they die, altho that works to an extent. But it wastes so much time. So much of your life.

Btw, you missed one - youre in the kitchen, and they walk thru, telling you how badly what you are preparing smells.

You cannot hide your light under a bushel. You have to get out.

I don't want to wait until they die. I'm trying to get out now, but the harder I try, the harder the self-sabotage boots up. It's really hard to make any progress towards leaving. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to eliminate the self-sabotage system--so that my attempts to leave actually succeed.

Yeah, I've heard it all. My food is too smelly, it looks weird, gross, etc. etc. Literally everything I do is grounds for degradation and guilt, so I sometimes feel completely paralyzed when my 'mother' is around--like the only way to stay safe from her attacks is to do nothing at all.

I am so sorry for you.
I started to understand the same problem in my relationships a year ago (before I thought like you 'It can't be real'). I left him (3rd time) but returned and now I felt like near to suicide and started to write for help any person I had ever known before (despite I ruined relationships with them because of my situation).
Do you have some other people in your life?
In my case, I decided to go to a therapist. And live independently. Every day I am afraid of sabotage, but it's better to try than live like this.

@volsinchy

Thank you for your sympathy, and I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too.

I regularly feel suicidal too, and I've realized that it's because narcissistic abuse programs your subconscious to believe that you'll die if you leave your abuser--that you can't survive on your own, and no one but the narcissist will ever take care of you, so if you leave them, your life will be so painful that the only thing that will be able to take away that pain will be death. When you have tried to leave them in the past, they have told you this in various ways: they've convinced you that none of your friends are real, or that they don't like you, or that you're repulsive and every failed relationship is your fault. They've sabotaged all of your job opportunities and then found ways to pass the blame to you. They've sabotaged all of your attempts to quit your addictions and then told you you're weak and will never be free of them. Over time, you internalize these voices, and they sound like your own, and when you decide to leave the abuser, your hear your own voice saying to you: "look at all the relationships you've ruined. Look at all the jobs you've ruined. Look at how you've ruined your body and mind. You honestly think you can survive? Your life is going to be hell without him, so you might as well kill yourself now."

On top of this, the only tool that a narcissist has to make themself feel safe is the delusion that they are the only person in existence. To take away that tool leaves them feeling like nothing is safe, so anything you do that confirms to them that you are a real person who exists outside of their mind feels like a mortal threat. This is why they punish you so severely for having different thoughts and feelings than them. They punish you for having a life outside of them. They punish you for responding to them in ways that they didn't predict. You are not allowed to show any signs at all that you are being affected by them in a way they don't want, because that means that you're real, which means they're not the only person in existence, which means that they are completely unsafe, and feel like they're going to die.

The result of being treated this way by the narcissist is that you learn that the best way to stay safe from their attacks is to stop existing as a real person--ie. to kill yourself.

So the narcissist traps you in the relationship by convincing you you'll die if you leave, and then as long as you are in the relationship with them, you feel like the only way to stay safe from them is to kill yourself. Either way, you die.

Since learning this, I have been taking note of what I was doing leading up to my suicidal ideation, and discovered that I always feel the most suicidal when I am trying the hardest to leave. So now, whenever those suicidal thoughts come, I remind myself that those voices come from my abuser, and their purpose is to keep me under their power, and then I do something to break free from that power. Are the voices telling me I can't have successful relationships? Well then I'll go read up on conflict resolution, or call a friend and say "I don't know how to do this, but let's work on our relationship together". When the voices tell me I'll never get a job, I say "watch me", and go work on a novel I'm writing. When the voices tell me I have such bad mental health that I won't be able to function on my own, I go meditate. When the voices say "you have no power", respond by saying "then I'll go get some", and go do something that you KNOW you can succeed at. Make the bed. Fold some laundry. Take a shower. Go for a bike ride. Do ANYTHING to feel accomplished, and then take that feeling of accomplishment and use it as motivation to do something a bit bigger, and then use the high you get from succeeding to do something even bigger, and then take a moment to stop and look back at all that you've accomplished, and how far you've come, and say "what kind of idiot would look at that strength and tell me I can't use it to build a happy life for myself?"

I know it's really hard, but with practice, you can get there. Don't focus on the failures. Don't focus on the relapses. Just focus on the progress, and on making more of it, and you'll start finding it easier and easier to ignore the voices that tell you you'll never succeed.

You have a strength that he'll never know, and that terrifies him, and it's why he's been working so hard to weaken you. If you weren't strong enough to leave him, he wouldn't have to abuse you to make you stay. Focus on that. Focus on your strength, and use it to build yourself up again. You've got this. <3

As for me, I've been in therapy for almost five years now, and I'm starting to learn how to reach out to friends for help. But I'm also trying to put together a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse, so hopefully that works.

Good for you for reaching out to friends and going to therapy. That takes enormous strength, and it proves that you don't actually want to die. If you did, you would just do it, but instead, you're FIGHTING. You're fighting the voice that is telling you to die because it's NOT YOURS. It belongs to your abuser, and you don't have to listen to it. Give power instead to the voice inside of you that is telling you to fight. It knows what's best for you, and will guide you to safety.

Thank you very much, you must have put a lot of effort into coming to these thoughts and being able to say them. It started with my parents and hunts me all my life, but I always thought it's something wrong in it, no one should live in survival mode.
I am delighted and I simply subscribe to every word you say. It is good that I am able to be in reality, where my life can change.

(Really, why do you know so much about me?)))

Thank you Sen001 for this note. I couldn’t have said it any better. That was the story of my life growing up, always afraid, low self-confidence and believing that I was worthless and always under her control. The stories about TV or studying or degrading could be from my house. My story also involved a lot of physical abuse as well. Therapy has helped me although I still have issues. Lots of hugs.

@volsinchy

Sorry for the delayed response! Been very busy.

Haha--I'm starting to think that most victims of narcissistic abuse end up with very similar minds, so we can understand each other pretty well. That's part of why I reached out to this group: I was hoping to find people who could understand what I was going through and offer advice to help me get better.

I'm really glad my words could help! And glad that you're 'living in reality' too! That's SO important, because the way that the narcissist controls you is by trying to alter your sense of reality. So keeping yourself 'in reality' is definitely key to healing and being free! You're right that it will allow you to change now. Good luck with that journey.

I'm totally the same: started with my parents and haunts my all my life. But at least now that we know what's happening, we can start changing, right? And finding people who won't abuse us!

@Abusedbysister
So sorry for the delayed response! Been super busy!

I'm so sorry to hear that--all of it, but especially the physical abuse. I hope you're safe from that situation now! And good on you for getting therapy! That's so brave and strong and important, and I'm very glad it's working out for you. You deserve it!

Do you mind me asking if you've gotten any techniques from therapy to help with the deprogramming? I just keep finding more and more ways in which my thoughts/feelings/desires/reactions are controlled by the abuse, and I don't know how to change them! I want to stop feeling/thinking/reacting the way I do, and I don't know how. I'm in therapy too, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Hi Sen001, EMDR helped me but you need to speak to your therapist as it may not work for everyone. Also, I still have issues but it made me process the past experiences better. Happy Holidays.

@Abusedbysister,

Oh, I've heard of that before but I don't know much about it. I'll ask my therapist about it. Thanks!