[glimmer]

I just want to be able to accept everything and get past this. I cant figure out how. I'll feel like I am doing well for a while and then BAM! Depression again, SI, drinking, sleeping..... I dont know where its coming from. Then by the time I work up the courage to reach out for help, I start feeling better and don't. Then I'll feel great again for a while. Then back down.Up. Down. I dont know whats wrong with me. I've become obsessed with my *b*s*. It bothers me because I have very few actual memories of what happened. I have allot of body mems. I have mostly mems of just before it would happen, the fear in my gut, panic then ... just the physical memories. I think it would be easier to deal with if I had more actual memories, but maybe not. I dont know. Its like I am constantly trying to convince myself, 'it happened, I didnt make it up.' Who would make something like this up? Noone, right? It's all just very difficult to sort out. It's all I think about. When I am awake or asleep. I havent slept straight through the night for at least a week. I know I need to talk to pdoc about finding a T but I am so scared to go. Last one made everything worse. ******d me up for a while. I have allot of trust issues, and that didnt help. I dont talk to anyone about it. I just push it down, bury it. I think its making me physically sick. I dont know, just wanted to vent and unload I guess.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
maybe try reaching out anyway - that way, you'll already have that established for the next cycle, yes?

[RozG]

((((((((glimmer))))))))

imo what your feeling is normal....and the first time you see a T it's normal for it to screw everything up for a while. mine forewarned me of that...that it makes things worse before it makes things better and not to feel too bad about that, it's part of the healing process everyone goes thru...it's not just you.

please hang in there and know that we're all here for you...and venting is good, that's the first thing we all learn when we first come here...keeping it in does no good...so vent away any time you need to...it's not like we're gonna tire of hearing it from you...that's what we're here for.

((((((((glimmer))))))))