just venting...

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
If it wasn't for my wonderful lawyer whom I can call at any time (during working hours!) i don't know what i would be doing right now. I can't have too many tears left inside- although there always seems to be plenty no matter what . no1 daughter has been on the waiting list to have a lung perfusion (sp?!) test done, to make sure her heart is pumping enuf blood into her lungs. Turns out she had it done today and everyone knew but me . I found out from my ex that he had taken her to have it done this morning. I don't blame him though- it is not up to him to inform me (she is in care at the mo). But I desperately wanted to be with her for it and SHOULD'VE been there with her for it even if ex was there too. Then straight after I found that out my access with her was completely mucked up. The lady who brings her round to my place was told there would be no access today coz of the test, but no-one else was told (so yes, even she knew it was happening). At least she was fuming too- she said she has been mucked around so much by the social workers about other cases too. She fitted in our access today which was so nice of her, so even though it was an hour late I still got my access with no1. But if our social worker DARES to tell me tomorrow when she rings that she 'doesn't want to hurt me' (words she has said so many times now when she makes a decision about something that does hurt me) I will definately not be held accountable for any words etc that will be going her way. And I am trying to make a complaint to her supervisor about all the muck-ups that have happened with access. In about 10-12 weeks there have been that many problems. I was told to write them down and have done every time. It is ridiculous. I can't cope with this sort of stuff at any time let alone right now. But my lawyer is fuming too, and is getting onto it tomorrow if she wasn't able to today....
Just had a call from a friend. She is the one person I can call anytime til midnight mon to fri if i need to talk- she is a radio presenter and does the 7pm til midnight shift (Love songs til midnight, ironically). She wanted me to make a dedication and for one of the first times ever I didn't need to think about who i would do it to, or what song. Even though the station hasn't come to my town yet she calls on me to help her if she is having a quiet night, or a lull between callers. I had no 2nd thoughts about choosing 'that's what friends are for' and dedicating it to all my true friends who are supporting me thru everything, but as i reminded her off air the dedication was primarily for her. she is the most wonderful, gernerous soul around and just hearing her voice has calmed me down so much- along with this 'venting'!!!
So, i think i'm done for now

((((HUGS))))...gosh, that just be frustrating...and illegal too, by the sounds of things...i'm studying family law atm and if ur still a guardian of her (which i'd assume u are if ur getting access!), you have the right to be involved in decisions about medical treatment ur kids are getting...s16 Children of Children Act 2004 off the top of my head! Ur lawyer's probly already told u that, but i just wanted to say that i sympathize b/c that must be so frustrated for u...and if u can't get hold of ur lawyer u can always just pm me, even though i'm still a student, i can always try to answer any questions Hope this gets sorted out soon and take care!

thanks! It has always been made clear to all concerned (myself, my ex, and the caregivers) that ex and I are entitled to be at any medical appt, so that is why i am even angrier than i might have been had it been an oversight (not good enuf either tho!). Had 1 instance where her caregivers turned up to the hospital when no1 was sick, and ex said he was going coz there were too many ppl there. Caregiver turned to me and said that if he was going i had to go too! Luckily her supervisor was there with us and pulled her into line. Caregiver has a prob with me (as I do her at the mo) so I wouldn't be surprised if she had deliberately not told me on Friday... but i guess i'll have to wait til tomorrow to talk to CYFS worker about this and hear her explanation... can't wait

Know the feeling. my child is in care too and don't usually hear about the testings and so on until after the fact. I was told for me there are two reasons for that - the first one because the case has been coded - do not return to parent because of state time law for returning has expired so the caseworker is not obligated to work with me, and two the caseworker doesn't want to worry me. I told him and my lawyer that I worry more when I don't know anything. and now we have a court order for therapist contact so that I will be kept informed. course that court order is only as good as when the caseworker lets my childs new therapists know there is a court order. and the new therapists decide they want to call my therapist to talk to her. sometimes you just want to strangle the whole system.

ANOTHER VENT
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- again!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, another 24hrs have gone by and I have still not spoken to the social worker. My anxiety (fuelled by anger) rose as the day progressed so much. I left several messages on her phone and even called into the CPS office 2x. I did get my message to her supervisor returned, just as I parked outside their building. I let her know where I was, but she said that my social worker was on her way out so could not see me, that she had a whole lot of hand-written reports to do within the hour(?!), and did I want to make an appt for tomorrow. 1st I stated that I wanted to see the SW, then I exploded I was so mad and said all sorts of stuff I regret!! I did tell her tho that my SW had said several times that she would get back to me (msgs passed on by 3rd persons)...which she hasn't yet... and that I had been waiting since 8.30am. I was questioned about that- she didn't believe that I had been given times or anything- and then I let rip. I couldn't stand talking to her and said I would just let my lawyer deal with the whole shocking mess. Drove all the way home and managed to stay on the road despite all the tears blurring my vision... That was a bit of a rude shock to myself- it is my ex who uses the catch phrase 'my lawyer will deal with this' in nearly every sentence. Speaking of ex's, he's mucked up bad again. The chn's ward at the hospital and the caregivers had made an arrangement for getting no1's suction pump fixed (something wrong with the battery). When all necessary spare parts and equipment were available the pump would be swapped with a foot-operated one for a couple of hours while the other one was being fixed. But nooooooo, ex had to do it his way and the batt-op pump was exchanged for the foot pump on Tuesday with no word as to when the batt one will be returned. The caregivers are struggling tremendously as the foot pump is not nearly powerful enough for no1. I wanted to bring that up with SW too, but of course we come back to the original prob of her not getting in touch with me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr... I am so mad.

Hi,
I'm so sorry you had a rough time and the social workers not informing you were not helping. (I don't know about yoru situaiton since I'm a new member, but it does sound you're having a lot on your plate. ((hugs)))

thanks elfgirl
finally got to speak with SW today. Turns out she has really stepped over the line this time- she did not want me to attend the hospital appt. As it is i am having a hard enough time trying to stay "Chloe's Mum" with her being in care, but when I am PURPOSELY not told about her hospital appts?!?! SW decided that as long as 1 guardian (her dad) was there that was enough. She "didn't want a repeat of the last hospital appt". It wasn't that bad as it was, and it has NOTHING to do with me going to the appt. My nurse arrived while I was on the phone so was able to calm me down a bit (lol) and as she pointed out, Tuesday has been and gone, I need to move on with the other stuff. Let the lawyer deal with it. I am leaving it to the lawyer, but the pain is so intense about being denied my role as mother and being left 'out of the loop' is just too much at the mo. Every time I even begin to think about it I end up a sobbing mess...
Oh well, another vent! At least there was a positive that came out of the ph call with the SW- I have 'graduated' to unsupervised access with both girls. The worker who was supervising them has confirmed that I can deal with both girls even when Chloe has one of her temper tantrums (which she had on Tuesday's access!). As my nurse said, *focus on the positives*. Easier said than done tho!!!
oh- and she gave me some great affirmations and a poem which I will share with you guys some time... when I can be bothered copying them, and after I have actually read them myself ...

hey ... you're a great mummy ... it will work out.

kia kaha.

thanks T! Highlight of my week... having a yummy cup of soup in a warm cafe while meeting a new friend. It was fantastic. Thanks. (I gotta keep track of the +s too of course!!).
hmmm, maybe i should have "kia kaha" tattooed on my inner eyelids so i will always be able to see it and remember it...

it was SO cool to hang out ... you better call me when you are up in sept!!!!!

thank YOU for comin out ... it was perfect timing

x