very triggering.. what do I say to

you my mom... I am searching for words...

therapy today.. left such a residue.. the DIDer Headache, a Tummy ache.. I hurt...

and I hurt back "then"... when you cleaned me up after daddy raped me to...

how do I know I "hurt" back then Mom... because I re-lived the experience today... my 4 year alter shared with us.. the body memories.. and the memories stored.. in her mind... it wasn't the first time... perhaps.. now.. it will be the "last" time...

picking us up by the arms... "depositing" us screaming into the claw foot.. huge bath tub...owwwwwwwwwwwwwieeeee

So the words to you have finally "arrived"....

they come with eyes full of tears.. and you know.. I never cry....I am tough.. and so very stuborn..

so.. here we go... Mom...

Thank you for being my Mom.. in my time of need.. thank you for attempting to relieve my pain with soaking me in a hot tub... thank you for not leaving me.. alone in my pain...

I know.. that you could have done that... I know you could have walked away.. and ignored.. your hurt little girl... it was probably the most difficult thing that you have done in your life... helping me then.. at that moment...

You had to overcome your fears... your anxieties.. your revulsion of me.. so you had great courage.. and I mean that with all of my heart and soul.. you did good..

Though other people would judge you harshly... telling you.. "you should have left him"... "you should have protected your daughter"..

They do not know what I know about you.... that you did your absolute and complete best..

Until today - I was always so angry with you... and thought how can I ever forgive you..

there really is nothing to forgive... because in the end... you were my mom... and in your way... as loving as you were humanly capable of being..

May you now be able to.. rest in peace "in heaven"... mom....

I love you very much.... your daughter...freewill...