[onlymedid]

I went in to T today and gave her what I wrote about my flashback....well...first I told her that she needed to give me paper and markers so I could color while she read it as I knew that my anxiety would be out the roof...then I gave it to her. I about passed out a couple of times. I was dissociating a lot and was really trying to stay present, it was hard.

I gave her 2 pictures that were drawn by an alter of mine. She asked could she keep them so that I don't have to look at them. Of course she could have them...I don't need to be reminded of them constantly!

Then....I told her something I swore I would <font color="red">NEVER </font>tell a soul... I was so scared, but I really really really needed to get it out. I am still so very ashamed, but she said there is no reason for shame because I was just doing learned behavior...even still...there is intense shame.

She was so proud of me, but now I feel so very small and vulnerable.
Oh, I forgot that part too....my step-brother is in jail and told one of his "friends" about my BF leaving without even a note... so the guy wrote me. He was very kind, but he sent a pic and now he knows where I live!!!! I am feeling sooo vulnerable.

So, basically, I come home from a VERY hard session, I finish cleaning the virus' on my computer and then I get this letter.

Yeah, I don't think I will be sleeping well tonight!

BJ

[(JD)]

((((safe hug))))

Oh you do have a lot going on.

I'm glad your T understands, and that she assured you no reason for shame.

Wonder why your BIL would do that, but then, his current community is behind those bars. I just wouldn't respond at all.

You're safe tonight... I hope you sleep well.

[Kiya]

How are you doing, BJ? sounds like some healing going on for you on some very deep stuff. (((((BJ))))))

You are safe tonight - the guy that wrote that letter cannot get to you. If you can, put the thought of it in an imaginary helium balloon and let it sail away. You are safe.

Do you have a stuffy you can hold tonight? kiya

[onlymedid]

Thanks! Yeah, lots of healing stuff going on, but it is VERY hard. I want to do it because I know that if I don't work on it, it will never get better and I will never feel any happiness.
I know that the guy can't get me tonight, but now he knows where I live and I know NOTHING about this guy except what he wrote in the letter.

I think my step-brother got the address from my step-dad, but I don't have proof of that. It just upsets me that he would have some stranger write to me like that. I understand he cares and just wants me to be happy, but he has no idea that this just brings back lots of feelings of being unsafe.

I do have a stuffed Garfield that was my moms and I have my BF's blanket, but I couldn't sleep, so I got back up and came here...hoping it helps.

I took my sleeping pills, but they are doing nothing tonight. My apartment is so small and I *know* that no one is here, but every noise makes me wake up. Every creak in the walls, every car that goes by, every tick of the clock....everything.

My BF is coming back on the 31st, but I won't feel safe til her is here....to help me.

Anyways...I am here....hanging out....going to try to help others since I can't help myself right now.

BJ

[Kiya]

you know, you can call the jail, tell them you got a letter, and ask to know when this guy is released - may ease the mind. (at least you can here)

[onlymedid]

REALLY!? I had no idea you could do that!!! I am going to do that today!!

Thanks for letting me know, that helps a lot!

BJ

[Kiya]

Were you able to? Let us know, eh?

[onlymedid]

well, I wasn't able to call today because I forgot I had physical therapy right after work and now I am home eating dinner. I am going to try tomorrow from work on my break. I will let you know what I find out and if it works.

Thanks!
BJ

[john4]

Only medid, thinking of you today, every success with your plans. Take care.

[onlymedid]

Oh gosh, I totally forgot to tell you that I was able to call. He is not getting out for 2 more years! I plan on being out of here by then!

Thanks for thinking and caring of me!

[(JD)]

any further letters don't open them write RETURN TO SENDER on them and put them in a box somewhere. If it comes back to you again, black out your address on front, and drop it in the box again!