To be DID is difficult... hard to explain... at least for me.. myself.. and I... it is very difficult.. so wouldn't dream.. of speaking for another DIDer..

I choose... this week.... to know about my life... yes.. thru co-consious.. though not merge.. with all other alters....

The alters got together.. and decided.. to find out.. about each other.. like.. a great big blender....

The choice.. was planned... done with the help of both of my T's.. though... neither knows.. of my purpose.. behind.. what I am doing..
my Talk.. therapist would not approve..that is for sure..

too fast...... too soon.... too exhausting... too little time to process... a great deal of strain on a body that has an eating disorder.. and also fibrom...

yet.. I am stuborn... and.. have my way.. I will... and I do... because.. I wanted... to know...

and now.... with the "truth"... is out there... I am without illusions.. that help people survive...

can't turn to my therapist.... can't turn to my body work T...

my on-line "friends"... that I counted.. as real friends... well... found out... that they just aren't...on-line friends... are they real... or.. do they disappear... or pat you on the head..

so... where do I go??? what do I do????

where do.. I "put" my 12 year old alter... my 10 year old alter... where is "safe" for them... my 4 year old alter.... we found out.. her story.. today.. and it is so very sad....

what do.. I tell my "system"... after they found out.. that they have been unloved.. and unwanted.. all of their lives??

how do I respond.. to both therapists.... that tell me to "live" for the future.. for the potential... that might be...

Is that what you do???? live for the potential??? is that enough for you????

Do.. I sell my home... disappear??? live on the street???

what do I do.. with all this information that I now have about my life???

My son.... I can't.. be around him... just can't... my "system" does not recognize.. him.. as my son.... have to be "happy and supportive" of him.. while.. my insides are screaming.... yet... he is 23...so..

what do I do????

[bchlyn]

(((((freewill))))) i don't have answers for you but i know your a survivor... and i care about you... and i have faith in you... i am sorry that you were so wounded as a child... they should have held you in their arms and told you how wonderful you are... and they should have kept you safe ... you didn't deserve to be treated so badly... that was about your abusers not you ... you are lovable ... and worth caring about... Lyn

[chaotic13]

((((freewill))) it sounds like you are having a really rough time. I'm sending you a zillion (()). I want you to know that you have helped me a great deal through the strength of your posts and your willingness to share your insights and experiences. I really wish I knew how to help you back. You are cared for, you matter to me.

[pachyderm]

(((((freewill)))))