I went to see my parents for Thanksgiving. My oldest brother (21) is living with them. When i got there late the night before Thanksgiving, my oldest brother was high on weed. I had to go tell my mom. I can't beleive she didnt notice. It reminded me of when i was 9. I had to tell my mom that my dad was doing cocaine b/c I found it. I was so upset that my mom had refused to let herself know this was going on in her house. I told her that my oldest brother should NOT be allowed in the house with my little brother there (16). He was in my little brothers room playing video games and high. THat is not acceptable. The room I was sleeping in was next to his and we shared a bathroom, so there was no way to lock my door. I felt so anxious.. I know in my mind he wouldnt do anything.. but I think it all brought me back to being a kid.. with someone in the house who is out of control.....

[SweetCrusader]

(((((ethersvirtue)))) sounds awful

[bethannaTN]

(((((((Esthersvirtue)))))))))
I am sorry that your mother has chosen to deal with the drug problems in you family with denial, or maybe she isn't? Perhaps she is waiting for your brother to hit his own bottom. I know from living in a household where alcoholism is a huge issue - that the more attention I give to the disease, the stronger it becomes. The more I give the disease NO PLACE in my heart or reactions (and believe me I am not always successful in this!!) and the more I respond to the MAN - the more of a chance he has to recovery. It's the only way he can see that the drug is the problem, not me. He would blame me for everything if I reacted to the disease all of the time and never see for himself that the addiction is the issue. Pot is an hallucenigen, and it is psycologically addictive. It more or less takes what ever motivation you might ever have away. Ha, to lighten things up a bit. . . if he wanted to hurt someone, he wouldn't have the motivation to do it!! LOL!! The dangerous part of the drug is that it can be laced with something extremely dangerous (PCP). (One of the reasons I never touched the stuff.) To be honest, if it is laced with PCP, no locked door in the world will help. Usually the user is not aware that it has been laced. I can probably bet that your mother does not realize this.

If my son walked in the door on something, I'm not sure I would recognize it. Other than alcoholism I have not witnessed many people high on anything - and I wouldn't necessarily know what to look for or how to define it. Especially with the new street drugs that are out, now. Is she open to being educated concerning drug issues? As a parent of another up and coming adult (your 16 year old brother) it may benefit them both to know what is out there, what to look for and the dangers. There are support groups for families that have a user in the family. Police departments often have educational pamphlets you can get and bring home. They are very informative. My father brought these pamphlets home and just put them on the coffee table and didn't say a word. I was raised in a family with 5 kids. We all read the pamphlets out of curiosity, and NONE of us ever touched anything that wasn't perscribed by a physician.

If she is unwilling, then I hope you will give yourself an out if you need one when you go to her home. If you feel uncomfortable, give yourself the right to leave if you need to. You are an adult and it is your right to protect yourself. You don't have to explain or excuse, you do have to protect you. If you are not in the same city you leave, make sure you are prepared with enough money to give yourself a hotel room if you need one. Go prepared.

Question? What happened when your mom learned of your dad's cocain abuse? Did she act? Before I learned of my husband's alcoholism I thought he was bipolar. He hid the drinking so very well. I knew something was wrong, didn't know quite what it was. I didn't know the disease well enough to know what drinking I did witness would effect the time he was SOBER. Ahhhh the things I have learned since!!

It is hard to see a young person deal with the issues of drug abuse (speaking of your little brother). Educate where you can, it is likely that he doesn't like seeing his older brother stoned all the time, either. He probably misses his big brother terribly. Support where you can. Love where you can. Thank goodness for you, you probably gave them both a needed wake up call.

Your older brother will not give up the drug until he is ready to. From the sound of your letter, he's pretty comfortable where he is at. I hope that your family will find a support group to learn how not to enable your brother. But it will be up to them. I know it wasn't until I reached the end of my rope with my husband's alcoholism that I finally went to my first Alanon meeting, and began working on my own things that enabled him, and got my focus off of him and onto taking care of myself.

Good luck!!
Beth

Do you think it was an overreaction? My brother parties and is an alcoholic so i assumed that one would notice the drugs. My mom did say she had noticed him coming in disoriented and such but didnt know it was drugs. Anyways... I hate when my mom overreacts..so sorry if i was a bit dramatic or something.

[bethannaTN]

OOOhhhh Esthersvirtue!! No! I didn't think you were over reacting at all, not at all. I was very thankful that you had the knowledge to recognize what was going on - but not surprised that your mom didn't. Unfortunately I've learned the very hard way that there isn't much you can do about some one else's addiction - but there is so much you can do for yourself to learn how to not help them stay in their addiction. I had hoped to share some of that with you - but I don't think I communicated it very well - I'm sorry.

I wonder if your mother was attributing the disorientation as a part of your brother's drinking? I don't know. Please don't apologize for being dramatic. You weren't. You are in a safe place and should be able to write exactly what you feel. Perhaps I overstepped MY bounds? Sigh. I apologize.

I was hoping to share some been there stuff. . .and what I've learned from it. I didn't mean for my words to present that this is nothing, it isn't - not at all. But I hoped also to perhaps give some insight at where your mother may or may not have been at the time. She's a human being, Esthersvirtue - and while you could recognize right away what was going on, it may not have been so easy for her to recognize it. She will have to learn, just like you have learned. Perhaps you can help in that. She has another young man to raise, and it would probably relieve her if she knew what to look for or what the signs would be.

I had hoped to also impart to you that there are things you can do to protect yourself that may offer a little more protection to you.

I'm sorry I was insensitive your feelings. . . I tend to over analyze I think, and miss the meat of the message. I think I missed it this time.

((((esthersvirtue))))
Beth

You werent insensative at alll.. I just try to watch out for over-reacting.. Its the one thing I hate about my mom