[ Kinda a vent. Felt like getting this off my chest. Trigger warning. ]

Trying to be positive lately (well, today and yesterday ) but it gets really hard. I keep thinking of my brother, conflicted feelings from when I visited him.

I wanted to justify the abuse more. I wanted him to somehow say something so I could say, "okay, that's why it happened". No justification of course, and it makes it feel like it's my fault. That there's something wrong with me that makes so many people hurt me. All of them, none of them were at fault- it was somehow something wrong with me that compelled them all to hurt me? I feel so wrong and dirty and unmasculine (sorry if that's not a word) because of it.

I try to blame all of what they all did to me on me, and I blame what they did to other people on me. What he did to Vlad, what my dad did to my little brother, I don't even want to know who else was hurt at the hands of my abusers It hurts me so much to carry all the blame.

Just trying to be strong, trying to stay positive. I actually wrote up a "plan" for me to try and get myself on the right track (scared of posting it because I don't want people to laugh at it), I didn't spend too much time in hospital but just seeing Kate's reaction, thinking of the kids and the friends who are good to me, I don't want to lose them. I haven't had drugs since the incident that landed my in hospital (although I've been watched so I haven't had the option) but I guess that's a start, yeh?

It's just hard... testifying coming up, all this blame and not knowing what to do, the memory of Lapin in my head (little brother), the memory of Vlad and how Keith laughed at his death

Just needed to get that off my chest. Trying to be positive, trying to be strong. Someone whack me upside the head when I start being a whiner.

<font color="purple">
It's great to be possitive!
Even though it take awhile and can be very hard sometimes, in the end it's worth it.

PS: I'd never laugh at you. Or hack you upside the head. </font>

[snowflakes]

((((((((((GRIFE))))))))))

Hi there! Just always remember that beyond that mountains of emotional turmoils that your feeling right now lies the valleys of happiness, contentment and satisfaction. We are always here with you and for you... Godbless!!!

[Blue93]

good post Vince
keep posting
and keep working on the fact all this crap aint your fault
they were doing wrong not you...
yes its hard to believe but it is true..
glad you see how much people around you love you
u can beat this

Take care

Blue

P.s. was REALL glad to see you in chat earlier

It's hard to be positive, especially when I'm stuck in bed, I'm in pain, my body is telling me I need drugs and I'm having too much trouble talking IRL Makes me feel alone. One of them, one of the ones who used to be my friend, sent me an e-mail last night and it scares me. I swear, I try to be positive and then something reminds me of all my reasons not to be positive.

Hard to trust and be positive, every person I know, I always think "does this person hate me?". I guess with the way my 'friends' are all acting towards me / acted to me it, it shines a light of doubt over everyone I know. Really struggling with blame, voices in my head tell me one thing, people tell me another. Then I still brush it off with pretending I'm fine.

Took a big step my asking Kate to, once the pain goes and I can get out of bed, help me find a therapist. Ahhh

Okay, vent over. Trying to be positive and trying not the whine about all the &*%$ on my mind.

[katheryn]

you are doing good stay positive, your future is ahead of you not behind you

(((((((((((((vince,kate & twins,))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Katheryn

Just feeling ugh right now... Trying to distract my pretending I'm okay and chatting but I can't get feelings out of my head.