I am very, very sad of late.. and have had severe memory flooding.. and body memories.. it is truely like the dam broke... and if there was a way.. I could re-build the dam.. and keep me safe.. I would..

I am DID... so my alters house different memories... they.. "leak" over into other alters.. so I am vaguely... aware... it is when.. they come into sharp detail..that it becomes distressing...

I didn't really want to know.. or acknowledge.. that my grandma.. knew.. that I was being molested by my pedophile.. nor. did I want to know.. that she knew.. my father molested me..

My grandma.. was most beloved by me... and I held her in my arms.. when she died.. when I was 17..

I told my Grandma.. when I was 13.. about the abuse... she took me into her bedroom.. usually off limits... and explained..

what she explained.. was it was the "way of the world"... that my own mother and my aunt.. had been molested by my uncle - their brother.. I never knew him.. he died.. when I was 2... she then explained that I... as in ME... was "the keeper of the family secrets"... and I wasn't to talk to my mom... or my aunt about anything....

It is.. like being hit by a ton of bricks... how do I explain.. that I always "knew" this.. but didn't acknowledge.. the pain so great...

And the burden.. the heavy... heavy burden of being the "keeper"....it breaks my heart.. that she put that on me.. such a gentle natured person.. that I was... had to keep my secrets... and then... my families secrets.. was.. there no help for me??

and.. yes.. I can't even be angry.. or hurt... or devasted.. that she didn't protect me.. because it was the "time"... the "era"... hence she did... what other's of her background did... that it was women's "lot" in life... because that is what she really believed..

So... I had no one.. that loved me.. I held on to my Grandma... her memory.. all these years... and even that has been ripped from me..

I am exhausted... and... broken down... and worn to a frizzle..

None... of this.. therapy... has been easy... and... I feel more dead.. than alive.. right now...

May.. you all have peace, love.. and gentleness in your lives...

Everyone... deserves.. to be protected....and to be loved..

[emilyjeanne]

Freewill,

I too had a beloved Grandmother. I totally understand the "keeping of family secrets". And yes, you deserved to be protected and loved.

You are doing the hard work right now so that you can be healthy in the future. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

[bchlyn]

Secrets, lost within my soul
Lie dormant, ever waiting
Unspoken, silenced long ago
Entwined within my being
~Lyn~

i was the keeper of the family secrets too... we have so much in common... if you need to talk i am listening.... please try and stay safe... lyn

[SophiaG]

You dont have to keep the secrets. You really dont. Set yourself free, dont crush your being under this unreasonably heavy burden which others have created and then placed on your shoulders.