please be careful...

what was it about me that gave him/them the right to take my body and violate it... to make me so dirty... what gave him/them the right to turn me into a ***** at 5 years old... i keep seeing/feel/relive my body being manipulated and positioned for his pleasure... for their pleasure... what was it about me... that made it ok for them to do those things... others would never know who i really am... but i know... i always say i don't lie well... in this case i do...lyn

I am so sorry Lyn, no child should ever have to go through that! They did it because you were available. It had nothing to do with what you deserved or anything about you personally. You deserved the best upbringing not that..... I am so sorry. You are not dirty.

These kinds of examples are why I think everyone is driven by a hunger for pleasure... Violating, abusing, stealing, and just for pleasure, which they confuse for happiness...

I'm sorry you had to go through the worst of the worst as a child... I can't relate to that nightmare, that horror... But at least I can stand by you and give you a shoulder to lean on and dry your tears...

They didn't have the right, and it wasn't your fault.

((((((((((((((((((((lyn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you are hurting really badly at the moment and my heart goes out to you..... i am holding your hand in spirit .... you never in a million years deserved what they did ...... you were an innocent child, they were adults and they KNEW it was wrong ....... i feel your pain, anger ..... please keep reaching out to us here .... keep writing, your poetry releases some of that hurt and anger...... journal, just get everything out hon ..... please feel free to pm me anytime ..... i know how you feel, i could quite easily become angry reading your post, but to do that would be giving THEM some sort of glory or glee or whatever you'd call it ... so i want you to know there is always hope - always to live after abuse and not let them win.

This is only my opinion, but I don't believe we have to forgive our abusers to move on ..... i sont forgive mine ever, but i am moving on ....

My love and care to you, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

sweetie... you have always been here for me... while I have been so sick lately.. in particuliar... (((hugs))) for you...

YOUR BODY... is yours... THEY had no right.. to use your living breathing body for their own...

And yes.. I am angry at them for taking this right away.. this basic right away from you... and I wish I had been there as an adult to say "STOP... do not touch that precious child".....

And.. the pain that we all feel... you, me.. and...I know jinny.. and others... is that... we had no one to protect us..that there is such evil out there.. that it got into our lives thru no fault of our own...

We do.. have each other here... to tell our pain to.. we do have each other to SHOUT... at the abusers now.. in this lifetime...

To tell them "You had NO right"... to tell them "You hurt me"... to tell them "I hate you"... to tell them "I will never forgive you.. not as long as I live.."
to them them "I hope you rot in hxx"...

You... did nothing.... for them to choose you... just as I did nothing...
Your saying "what was it about me....." has been echoed in my heart..

sending all the love.. in my heart... to help heal just a little of the damage that they did to you... so great is your pain.....

i know that i can't let myself get to this place... to tired too triggered... but, that is where i find myself... and the flashbacks and panic attacks feel like they are back in control...lyn

(((((((((((((lyn))))))))))))))

this place wont last my friend ..... it's so hard to sit here, knowing people are in emotional pain and trying to get across how much i care and know what you are going thru ..... just know we are here ..... you can pm me anytime .... easier said than done, but try and think of the here and now .... love and care, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

You are not dirty, it is not your fault at all. There is nothing about you that means you deserved to have this happen to you. You deserve to be loved, cared for, and appreciated, and you always did. I don't understand the kind of people that would do that to a child. I am listening and here for you if you need me.

I don't really understand how hard it is to be triggered like that, but it will pass. I just wanted to let you know that I care.

xylia

they told me it was my fault... i loved them... how do you rectify in your mind the evil part and the kind, loving, nurturing parts of them... some of them weren't evil...i am so tired... i just need the flashes to stop...even if it's just for a little while

By remembering the grey. nothing is all evil or all good. all black or all white. confused mixed up people tell their kids strange things to justify their own behaviors.

it is NOT your fault. Not then, not now, not ever. ((((((((lyn)))))))))

i know the truth in my head... but in my heart... it's not so clear... ty...lyn

i know hun.... =( please be safe -hugs.

i am trying... i just need the puzzle to be finished... and get on with life... if i have to do this the rest of my life... i am not sure i want too...sorry....lyn

you...me... we share the same thoughts....
(((((((((((((lyn)))))))))))))

You will find your way if you keep searching. When I was getting better I thought I would never find it but I eventually did with work and insight and help from others.....

kiya i wish we didn't... i have faith in you... you can do this...your so much stronger then you realize... lyn
Sannnah ... i thought i was done with all this years ago... but, i guess for me...maybe healing isn't possible... ty for your encouragement...lyn

my panic attacks have been non-stop today... and i need them to stop... why can't they just stop..l.today would have been my mom's 78th birthday... even though she didn't protect me... and she sat quietly by... she was my best friend and i loved her... my childhood was so conflicted... my mom was a great mom... and i was happy, until 5pm...cocktail hour...when things changed... the drinking started... and the children had to fend for themselves... i was the only girl...except for my cousins... and the people i loved became my abusers... if you had asked me i would have told you i had the perfect childhood... and in many ways i did... but, mostly not... lyn

((((((((lyn)))))))) thinking about you and hoping for you the panic stops and gives you a rest.

I got better in stages or layers. An issue would come up and I would fix it and be great for a period of time until the next issue came up. I kept peeling them away. I am in a really good place now. There is no reason why you can't do the same.....

thank you... they have calmed a bit... mostly anxiety right now...lyn