[RACEKA]

I met with T yesterday and we've been working on trauma. It wasn't an intensive session. We were talking about my x husband. T said I never mentioned anything about love or respect. I told him I never had love or respect from anyone. I don't know what that is. I never cried until I've been in therapy for a while. I will only cry with T or alone. Sometimes I go home from T and cry just from feeling the safety and caring he gives me. I haven't felt that way before.

He's a christian T so every week he asks me if I've gone to church or if I've made contact with anyone. I've been doing a lot of isolating. I tell him no every week. He uses reverse psychology on me and tells me good don't go. We both have a sense of humor.

Today I decided I would go to church. I got ready and drove to church and I was almost there and I started getting overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't go in there like this and cry through the entire service. I know there are people in there that care about me and will be hugging me and saying how glad they are to see me. I couldn't handle it.

I am not used to people caring about me and I can't handle it emotionally. I'm not used to showing emotions around anyone. I'm not used to having emotions.

Most people cry talking about their abuse, not me, I cry when someone cares about me. How messed up is that?

[xylia]

I don't think thats messed up. I'm the same way. When I think about the stuff that happens to me, I might be sad, but I'm totally for the most part dissconnected from my emotions. I too, cry only when I'm overwhelmed by any sort or feeling. I think thats true for most people, whatever the emotion is.

[btinternet]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I too tend to isolate myself from church and all of my christian friends and back away from the thought of someone trying to show care or concern for me. Please remember though that your church family will always be there for you and thinking about you. They may not understand what you are going through but they will be missing you when you aren't there. When you next go try and focus on how you might be able to encourage someone else. It will take you mind off how you are feeling instead of it becoming overwhelming and too much.

Is there anyone that you can talk to at church. It took me a while to take that step but being open about how you feel can be liberating and may ease the tension as people will try and be a little more understanding (and won't be asking so many questions).

Take care of yourself....

Lou

[complic8d]

If you're messed up, you're not the only one. I hate feeling like people care about me, maybe because I don't think that's possible.
Sometimes my t asks if I want a hug when I leave, and I give her this terrified look, shaking my head---NO WAY. The problem is, I would love one but I'm afraid that I will fall apart. I don't want to think that she really cares, like that hurts worse than someone not caring. I don't understand it either, but there must be a reason. We'll come across that when we're ready, I guess.
You're not alone!!!

[RACEKA]

Thanks for your comments and helping me understand I'm not alone.

[crazybones]

i cry when people care to its not strange as u would think its like this feeling of joy and happiness takes over when some one really cares about you for once evry 1 deserves to be treated with love loyalty and respect but not evrybody gets tht and it is sad ans also crying is good for the soul just open the doors and windows and let the tears flow out

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by RACEKA

I am not used to people caring about me and I can't handle it emotionally.

What will those people do when they realize that you are hurt and cannot respond in any short amount of time the way they expect you to? That is the question that is always in my mind, and why I do not respond well to claims that someone cares. I do not trust those claims and do not think anyone will accept that I react that way. I anticipate that their "love" will soon turn to hate when I cannot respond "correctly".



It is pretty obvious to me where these feelings come from. Actual experience as a child, when love was required of me and if I did not give it right away, it changed to an attack.

[RACEKA]

T said today that this a part of healing. He said I'm not surrendering to it. I need to let it flow. I'm still trying to hold it in. He said if I could cry for 3 weeks without stopping I would feel much better. As a child you have to leave your body to survive, but you don't have to do that now. Tell people you trust how your feeling and let it out. I told him I can't do that. I'm uncomfortable showing my feelings. Everyone has always seen me with a smile on my face, now all of a sudden here I am flooding with tears. I feel I need to explain.

[dalila]

Quick answer - I am sad or I am hurting.

It is hard when you are trying something new but it gets easier as you practise.