worked out years

of wondering.. and wondering... found the answers in a very unconventional way... some would judge... it just doesn't matter...

my mind is in "shock"... the T.. says.. I have been severely traumatized.. as does the pdoc..

They are right... I am so, so traumatized right now..

You all can't help... no one can... not even T...

DID... alters have been absorbing the shock... and putting it in "compartments"... because.. that is all that can be done..

It is like being put in a very dark closet - like when I was when I was a child.. the door opens... and I am blinded by "normal" light.. because.. I was in "absolute darkness"...

So.. if there is anyone.. here at PC... that hears my inner pleas for help.. for connection... please... if there is anything you can do..

for a person that is "in shock"...

I feel that I should be in a regular hospital... being treated.. as a "shock" patient.. like from a major accident.. only my accident.. was a predator.. and.. I brought it on myself... so how can I complain???

edited.. I just realized.. I brought my predator on me.. when I was 12 too..

Freewill, if you like I can connect with you...... What is this talk of you bringing on your predator?

((((((((frewill))))))))))) I can offer gentle hugs and prayers. No matter what happened, no one brings a predator on themselves.

((((((((freewill))))))))),

It's hard to know if what is said will help or not.....but thought I would throw out some thoughts......

To start with, you have found these answers just recently? Lots of answers to lots of things that went on in your life a long while ago. Things that have found their home inside of you in the compartments your alters have set up for them.

I find when things hit me suddenly.....huge things that I can't even comprehend or grasp at the time. I try to take some notes on the situation so I will remember the thoughts I have come up with. Then I distance myself from the situation a bit.....sit back & try to observe it as an outsider......try to make sense of some of the things, they as some things make more sense, it opens up thoughts that make other things make even more sense.

I started doing this in my engineering career. When a problem would come up that I couldn't figure out the answer to, I would get all the facts I could see at the time. Then sometimes I would go out & play racquettball & smash the #@!! out of the ball & not actively think about the problem. Sometimes I would just go walk around the block........sometimes a larger block than others with a huge problem. Sometimes it would actually take days to come up with the solution.....mind you this was a simple engineering problem...not a lifelong situation. My mind comes up with ideas & thoughts that end up being better solutions than anyone else comes up with when I least imagine. Sometimes thoughts come to me while eating (when I used to eat...lol). Sometimes when I was sleeping. Sometimes in the middle of a hot shower. But the answers would never come to me when I was focusing on the problem.

I know with your past accomplishments, you have probably had similar situations. What I have found is that when I apply that problem sloving method to my own life, it also helps......I have to admit that I also put in a prayer to God for the ability for my mind to be opened to ideas & solutions & ways of handling the things that are bothering me so that I can put the pieces of the puzzle together & usually it takes time, but life will start making sense & solutions will come to me that I would have even imagined or a person comes into my life with thoughts that just just click.

I know this is method & not those thoughts that click.....wish I had the wisdom to provide those thoughts, but I am sure that now you are at this point, more will open up to your mind & more & more will start making sense & answers will start to come. Quiet thinking time & fighting off the anxiety while completely focusing on pleasant things in life are when thoughts & answers hit our subconscious mind.

One important thought you need to realize is that predators are out there, just like the flu. We don't ask for them to hit us....that is what they do......they prey on us when we don't even realize they are doing it. That is how they catch us because they make it look like they are so wonderful & doing nothing but good.......when in reality, they are nothing but pure EVIL!!!!! So get that out of your mind....you did not ask for the preditor to come into your life at all...that is what they all make us feel like so they can continue to prey on our minds.

Debbie

Freewill , you DID NOT bring it on yourself. I know it feels like it and evil sickos who do bad things to kids will make us feel like it's our fault, but I have no doubt, I KNOW you DID NOT bring anything on yourself when you were a kid. And as for now, what else can you do but end up near the same type of people? It's twisted, I know because I don't understand how I end up in the same situations either, but I think it's because it's familiar to us and we don't know any other way. A T would cite Freud's repitition theory I'm sure.

I hope you are doing okay and trying to stay safe and correct or get away from whatever happened recently as best you can. We are here for you and thinking of you. Let us know how you're doing.

You did not bring on your predator. You were not powerful. You did not even choose. All power was on predators side and all responsibility is predators too.

12 years old is a child. You are the one victimized and you survived. When you are stronger the alters begin to give you back bits of the past.

It did not kill us then. It will not kill us now. It hurts like hell but it is not fatal. Im sorry this happened to you it should not have, but like debbie said its like germs, they just happen.

Leslie