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#1
Jan 04, 2005, 06:06 AM
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Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and I'm not sure what should and shouldn't be posted in this part of the board, so I guess I'll start with me being a SURVIVOR!
 I don't remember much before the age of 5. The first clear thing I ever remember about my life is being molested by my grandfather when I was 5 years old. I was told I had a fever and needed to be 'checked', and well, he used his private part as the tempature taker. Before he left the room I was sleepin in, I was told to never tell anyone or my parents wouldn't love me anymore and they would give me away. So I never told... My childhood wasn't exactly easy after that. My dad and I both suffer with bipolar and growing up, I seen him do a lot of harm to himself that a child shouldn't see. Not to mention he'd never have anything to do with me unless he was spanking me for being 'bad'. By the time I was 8 years old, I had seen my dad try killing himself several times and be put in the mental hospital two times. Because of his illness being as bad as it was, they felt it was better to have my uncle, his wife, and son and daughter move in with us and my uncle help with everything. My younger cousin (the female) was more like a sister to me, we were bestfriends. I did everything I could to protect her and watch over her. Her dad is an alcoholic and drug addict, so I seen a lot of physical abuse take place from him to both of his kids. The son, who is a few years older than me started touching me at night after we all went to bed. Within a few months, it was full blown rape. From the time I was almost 9 until I was 13, he raped me almost everynight. By that time I had grown extremely depressed and began self-mutilating like I always seen my dad do to help him. I got to where I couldn't take the abuse anymore that I tried killing myself. I took a lot of pills and slit my wrists really bad and woke up in the ICU unit at the mental ward. I finally told my parents what happened and all they did was kick the family out of our home. I still wake up a lot of nights in cold sweats from nightmares of the abuse I endured. It's been 5 years since he touched me in any way and I still can't have a 'normal' relationship with anyone of the opposite sex. I go to therapy every week and have had other bounts of suicidal behavior, but I'm getting better. I've also had to endure abuse from the only boyfriend I allowed myself to get really close to, so that didn't help the situation any. I'm having an extremely hard time trusting men because all of them have either abused or neglected me my whole life. Me and my dad still don't have much to do with eachother and I can't remember the last time he said he loved me. But I'm slowly learning that I can't change what's happened in my past and the more I try, the more I'll damage my mental health. All I can do is be happy I'm ok NOW and maybe help others in the future. I'm in a rehab treatment program and 55 days clean and sober from drugs that I never thought I could kick, and I'm learning to accept and love ME, even if others haven't. It's been a looooooong process, but I AM a survivor.
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... What's this life for? |
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#2
Jan 04, 2005, 09:38 AM
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WOW. What a testament to survival! I'm glad you're here
welcome. this is a great place to find support and understandig. I've read about your childhood, and i can say...i understand. we are survivors. CONGRATS on being clean and sober 55 days!  one question...are you in therapy now? be safe, kd
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#3
Jan 04, 2005, 12:18 PM
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Welcome BamaSurvivor!
I'd have to agree with KD...you are a survivor. I have no experience to give you "advice" but it sounds like you are making progress. Slowly. Like my FIL told my husband, you didn't get this way overnight...it's going to take some time to get better.
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“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou Karma is a boomerang. Trying to read 52 books in 52 weeks. See how I'm doing |
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#4
Jan 04, 2005, 04:11 PM
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You certainly ARE a survivor! It is terrible the things you have had to endure. Your determination to deal with the effects of your childhood pain is truly inspiring.
Welcome to psychcentral. I hope we can become good friends *safe hugs* ONLY if you want them Angela
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 Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name ~Alanis Morissette |
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#5
Jan 04, 2005, 06:47 PM
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You have survived and you are here. I am so glad to see you and so sorry for what you had to survive. Hope to see you around.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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