[Greg77733]

Hello, my father was aCapt. in the Air Force, he was shot down over Camboida. He was hit by a S.A.M. My mom remarried a Lt. Col. a couple ofyrs. later. My oldest sis protested and I wonder if she could feel the future. When he would spank me I had to take off my clothes lay flat on the bed. He would strike me with his belt as hard ashe could. If i used my hands to block or cry I got more. I had to learn to suck it up and take it. I remeber one time I ask if I could go out and play, he said no, it was raining. I said that it was beatuiful outside, He spunaround and punched me in the face,I was eight yrs. old. I ran out the house and as I was walking I found some glass, that was the first time I cut. We were at the dinner table one time havingchinnesse food, my middle sis hated, so she sat there and flipped the food with here fork. He started @itching at her about all the hungry people in the world, she said box it up and send it to them. He jumped up grabed her bythe throat and stated punching her in the face. when she went to school the counsler called the mp and had him arrested. My mom went down thereand told the police she was lieing and got him out of jail. Tothis day I can't fiqure why she choose him over her kids. So therewas a whole lot more abuse and I really started cutting. Mom and Les sent me toa mental place in the Miamia area. I was shocked by acattle prog and raped by a staff member. Fl. found out that they were shocking us so they closed the place down. I went back home to the insanity and found drugs and to hitch hike all over the U.S. I learned well torun away. I still do it today. Hereally messed my head up. I am know in my bedroom, been in here for at least three yrs. I lost a good wife, I go from sane to 5 yr. old temper tamtrom in 1/4 of a sec. I have had some rage that makes Freddie Cuogar look tame. I hate my past I hate my present I hate my future. I hate this anger inside me. I have Dr. Hyde and Jeghle going big time. I truly want to fix me, but I wonder if I have a chance. Take care,

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((((((((((greg))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

(((((((((((((((((((((Greg)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that the person who let you down was the person who should have loved and protected you ...... I am so sorry you had to endure all that 'torture' and abuse...... you were in NO WAY to blame for any of it .... not at all......

You are a survivor ... you have been broken, and you CAN mend. Like all survivors you are strong, even though you may not feel it .... you are compasionate towards others because of what you went through yourself. This is a BIG positive out of so much negative.

You can heal my friend..... I hear waht you've been through. It makes self esteem and confidence almost non existent. It makes you feel angry, bewildered, maybe ashamed and guilty .... The shame and guilt belong to those who hurt you .... not the other way around ....

The anger is pain .... deep deep sorrow .....

If you are not in therapy please try and find a good therapist who you trust ... this will take time maybe, trust is so important .....

Keep reaching out to us here .... many uderstand I promise you that .....

I too have been in that awful place ..... it took me a long time to seek help .... now I am healing and on the right path. I wish and hope for this for you too .... it is possible ....... please trust me on this .... my friends here, my therapist and talking, writing, journaling have helped me so so much .... best wishes to you Greg, you can do this ...... with love and care, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo