The Final Insult!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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DO NOT READ IF NOT IN A SAFE PLACE!!!!!!



The final insult that is how it feels now at this moment each and every day rememberingthe horrendous feeligs of the past. So why now???? now because a few days ago l was raped and assaulted by the man who is the father of my children and still legally my husband and yet it is me they do not allow to see my kids. This mancame to my house the one place that l believed no one would hurt me no more and what did he do he took that away from me too. what more is there left for them to take??? they seem to have taken it all, l have allowed them to have it all and then l wonder why l have nothing left. The pain of the years of abuse and rape have reared its ugly head in the horrendous way and now im know im falling, sliiping right into this, jumped in feet first and sinknig down to the bottom.
Thes efeelings are my way of life it would seem never knowing who to trust what to trust how to trust, it seems that l should trust no one because at some point they tak ethat information that you have given them turn it around and use it when they know it willl work for them. My husband he knows of the years of abuse at the hands of "FRIENDS" PEOPLE WHO SAID ONE THING AND DID ANOTHER. Theres people were the beginning,the start of the most terrible pain and hurt possible. These were the people whi were the reason hated self then and why hate self now. They instilled in me the SHAME and Disgust AND degregation that ll still feel now they say dont tell they killl l believed it then and l believe it now. My family l here you ask----well they knew------im sure they did----did they stop it or help me NO ---did they see the hurt, pain, shame, torment,hate that was now installed in me-----NO INSTAED----they took me there , left me therewillingly handing me back ove rto them. If they saw it they did nothing, they did not care or nurture or love me they instaed hand me over to watch me be abused and then stood by as l fall apart.
As soon as l could l left home , got away went as far away as l could well why did l do that may as well have stayed where l was because of the man that l met---the father of my first child-----was the biggest bastard that l ever lived. It started one day following an agruement ---the first slap, l forgave but then l always did that is what good catholic girls wer told, l forgave many many times over----------why ????-----------because that was what we was told to do. It was ok forthese men to use our body so it was not therefre our place to say no---so agen we did wot we was told-----stayed lived years of abuse each time stripping away something else from methat little bit more each time----adding to the shame and disgust making us see that this is just the beginning---it will always be like this --then he gets cancer anddies. the thoughts that passed through my hed as l stand at luk at coffin were deep deep sadnes mixed with relief that he cud hutr me no mor and now he ded hurt no more

For a while we was alone with just our son born following one of the attacks. we was ok on our own and then we met , fellin luv.andmarried man who l stillmarried too, and what he do .I amde stupi stpid mistake
by telling of abuse
At the time the words stuck in our head the fera , the pain and thedisgust feraing that downward pirall out of control, every day thinkingthat this would stop and not get worse-----HOW WRONG I WAS-----it cud and it did---slapping, puncjing and constant fear not knowing when the next attack wud hapen he ground us down,isolated us from family and friends then what he do always
she says must do as told, she says just do as wish----whats the point to carry on she stopped iighting---it was normal now its what they wantdeand just the way it is--nothin can do anything aout it except to lie here and excepthoping thatwud be able to ""leave the body!!!!!!!!" leave only my hed hoping tnot to experience the full forc of what comesnext.
Making it hurt til was screaming that was the aimbut never did scaremed only in hed and only me see. The pont of no return was a attack which happened making this feel as though its the oint of no reurn cud not protect did not choose but was the raped at hnife point.
this man he did not kow us or whta he happened to us be4 and so how did he chose us???we dont know but he did we feel the knife sticking in neck warm bloodrunning down our battered body taking once more what they want agen---laughing laughing all the timemaking us say we enjoy making us beg so he not kill----------ewe shud hav chosen death right then if we had know wud hav fought hareder resisted more CHOSEN DEATH but why wud we do that we knew we cud just goaway to that place where we went quite oftenwhen it happened----we sitsit inthere and watch as they tak sum mor a place whereall the pains is watched--the shame and the fear of havin to go home and tell him so l decided right there and then that l tell no one and no one shud knowit will be added to the """special """secrtes and stay there for a long time.

the flashbacks, the nightmares and the memories they begin to ravage us and destory the remaining body.My husband wot he thikhe think how cud l let it hapen with anothe rman l see on his face, Dys turn into weeks and weeks to moths and minths into years of sex with husband becoming a violent reencatment of the rape and abuse well he got what he want

NOW NOW WHERE ARE WE NOW----we is sitting waiting for the next insultwaiting for the explosion which we will see The Biggest Explosion that crashes down i=om meensuring that there is no escape no stopping this terrible hurt.

NOT NOW AND NOT THEN now we is tired and hurt---- we had enogh, fed up with all memories, the hurt thr pain the flashabcke are reenv=ctmentsof these eveents-----all mixed together not knowing where they belong and keeping us in the dark and lonely place.instilling in us this INTENSE ANGER like never before feeling that theydeserve to dieor to cut up bad agen.This is just the way it is now and the way it was then and dont seewhats the ponit of further committment. its gone im gonedont care about he body dont want it no more---no more sex-----thats the way it is today and l want it to all stopxx

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I hear you.
Not 'silent'... I hear you.

********holding you if you want**********

=(

Your life sounds a lot like mine there is hope. Please find a T they help so much. Don't do this alone anymore. You are worth it.

((((((((((((((sas)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have taken that first step .... you have written all this down ,... I am so proud of your courage and bravery .... yu ARE moving forward, last week you coud not have written all this......

So many here can identify with what you are saying .... keep reaching, tiny steps, here to catch you if you fall .... always .... Kerry xoxoxoxo

I'm well aware of your feelings, Hon. The man that called himself my husband used the title to do with me what he wanted. IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!

What I did was use my anger, my fear and my indignation to set myself free from him. Call the police. Tell them what he did to you. Then get yourself some help that will get you through all of the crap you've been through. I did! I am FREE now of all the bullcrap that rolled downhill at me.

It took a while and a lot of forgiving but NOT forgetting. You don't forget so that you don't put yourself in the same position again. You CAN go through this dark tunnel and get to the other side where the light is. If I can do it, so can you! I know because I was one heck of a mess when I finally got the courage up to kick him out of my house.

Hang tight, Hon. Do what you need to do to get yourself free from all of this.

if okay.

Hi
Thank you for your kind words
yes l have a T but this is all so new
crazy thing is l could have a thousand people by me yet still feel alone
maye one day l feel that l worth it

Thank you
mandyxxxsafe hugs if you want them

Jinny hunny

l wish that l too could see all of thsi the way you see it.
l listen to you and you make me believe that yes maybe
it can be.
l dont see fast , l seeslow , slow slow years of waliking at this pace and going nowhere.
thank you for ""here to catch you if you fall"" jinny you have caught me way way too many times in the past few weeks
for that im truely sorry and grateful
l am just so tired with it all hunny

mandyxxx

(((((((((((((september)))))))))))))

thank you for all your kind yours of inspiration. I'm sorrt that you too know of this pain. Trying so hard to hang on but im just so so tired and feel like im slipping there is bo safety net

mandyxx

warm and safe hugs if you waant them

Silent, the first step is to make sure that you are safe. Please work very carefully with your T to make sure that you are safe......

(((((((((((((((((((((my friend)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I just want to say tha, when I joined here, I didn't have a therapist ... went through many weeks and an attempt at my life before I found someone .....

This was 18 months ago ... someone said all this to me ... about getting better, healing, many people said it ... I wished I could believe them. But there was no end to it for me ... I was tired, tired from years of fighting, hurting, i had had enough, just like you ..... my path has been hard, Ive slipped, fallen, made mistakes, been angry, aggressive, pushed everyone away ..... including my family, friends .....

Look at me now .... I'm so much better, still a journey to go ....

follow me in my footsteps .... I'm here to guide you, catch you ... it takes time, patience and hurt Mandy, yes more hurt, I cant lie ... but you will be standing with me ... please believe ... I have such faith in you .... take your time.

Love you, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxo

A healing angel for you ........

*hugs to sas... from one Amanda to another (although no one calls me Mandy)*

Hi Jinny

how did l ever desreve to meet someone like you??
you my friend have already done so much for me, held when lwas falling, comfort me when l hurting, lissen to me when l screaming and no one else can hear. l dont know how would have got through last few weeks without you here.. Yes and many times l feel that to die would be the best and only option left for me and l have said these words to you. but through it all you have guided me, believed in me reasurred and encouraged me and gave me some of your hope. You have given so much and each time l fall you have stood me back up alllowing me to lean against you til l take that next step. So to you my dear dear friend there are no words for me to say that would ever express how l really feel, so what l will say is this: thak you from the bottom of my heart, l will speak with T about the daily stuff, l will try hard not to hurt self no more, l will hld onto your hope til l have some of my own but most of all l will continue to live and too fight. no matter how tied and exhausted l become l will try because l know that you have been here and you are coming through. You are the inspiration, the hope and the dream

take care hunny and remember this: you are a very special person and l love you very much.
always reember to look after you and be good to you because that is what you deserve
mandyxxx

((((((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))))))))

My eyes filled when I read this .... because I know you will fight .... and I know you will make it ....

You dont need to thank me hunny, ,,,, I just want you to have hope, and it makes me so proud that you are trying so so hard ... I know how much you are struggling ..... YOU are a wonderful person ....YOU are the one who has picked yourself up each time .... only YOU did that ..... you are so much stronger than you realise .... love you, friends always, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

soryr but l not do it catn veyr bad day thsi not gud ned it to stpo plese no mor cant do it now ned it stpo bad bad stuf todya not stadn now ti no gud not lik it...................................

(((((((((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))))))))

It will take time sweetie, dont let a bad day stop yo from fighting .... you are allowed to have these feelings, bad days, struggles .... you are allowed to be sad, angry and hurt ..... its ok .... (((((((((((((Mandy)))))))

Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers .... keep holding the rope .... keep reaching ..... you WILL make it .... love, care and lots of warm cuddles, Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

((((sands)))) ((((mandy))))

i care. i hope good come for you soon. you brave. i know is hard and i hug you. you are doing a very good thing and it will get better. it will get better, just keep trying.

you are not alone, we are here with you. hugs for you.

luv from leslie and her littles (we lik u an we be frens wif u)

(((((((((( leslie and littles)))))))))

thank you so much
not fel gud right nows
but stil trys just want to hide in hole and stya ther a bit
not fel gud so shud be ssshhhhhh rite nows
soryr
hugs to u allxxx

((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))
Wish I could say something or do something to make it better.... you have been given some great support here.
Noone should have to feel the pain you do, but stay strong and things will get easier (so easy to say, but so hard to do right?).
Just want you to know that I care, that I listen, that I wish and hope for you.
Take care hunny
Molly