I think it's time that I should face the music...

*possible triggers just to be safe*

I think it is time to accept that...
The bullying I received as a child
Was more then just "kids will be kids"
or that it was just a part of growing up
That someone telling you
That no one will ever love you
That they threatened to hit me if I so much as touched them
And the other mean things... like picking on me for my weight
That is WAS abusive behavior
That I'm NOT being too sensitive

But it is hard for me
Because I know it could have always been worse
That for alot of people it was worse
Because despite my pain I still had people who loved me
So in that way I'm pretty lucky, right?
That I'm just being stupid and whiny, right?

I know I should stop comparing myself to others because everyone has a different life all of the time, but it's like instinct to me.

*sigh* Ah well.

((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))

TY (((((Silver)))))

((Kaika))) you are not whining, you are acknowledging some hurt feelings and sadness about some things that you are perceiving as 'wrong', 'bad', or 'hurtful' things...

to even think of them brings its own new misery each time we think about the stuff that wasnt so good that happened to us..

many of us do the i am no better/no worse comparisons...

there is only health, and diminishing degrees of health...

remember that sadness is a delusion and is temporary even though it feels very real in th moment..

questioning ourselves or what we feel will always produce more questions than answers as there is simply no way that one can know all there is to know about everything.. to know it completely would mean that we'd have to experience everything there is before we pass this earthly phase and theres no way that can be accomplished..

so we listen and we learn from the stories and experiences of others....

saying 'i was bullied' is another way of saying ' i feel hurt' ..

expressing pain is healthy for us all cause we wouldnt know what needed fixed if it didnt signal us somehow..

we have chances each moment to re-evaluate what we think we've learned along the way, and every moment we have an opportunity to do something different...

ive found that choosing joy for myself and others is not so harmful as some other things might be, such as mocking and insulting humor for example...

think good thoughts and good things will happen you are well on your way in the direction of good health already

kaika, pain is pain is pain. pain hurts. comparing pain diminishes you by saying your pain doesn't matter. that is just wrong. if someone offers you a drink of water with just a little bit of poison in it, does that make it right/ok???

No, *&*, NO. if all pain hurts then all pain matters. i acknowledge your pain because i hurt my whole life and i will no longer deny my pain or your pain. so do not do let anyone tell you your pain doesn't matter because it was less than someone else's

comparison between people is almost always detrimental. i care and i believe that in time you will heal and in time i will and right now my pain is wringing me out and chewing my heart up and it hurts so bad it scares me i can't handle it.

kaika, facing the music means, technically, facing something we did wrong and the consequences that come from it. YOU do not need to face the music, you need to grieve the losses of your childhood that wounded you and allow yourself to go on past them when you can. it will get better, i promise. i've seen it and sometimes i've experienced it. right now i hurt really bad, but i've been in much better places too. i will be better again, but it takes whatever it takes. as they keep telling me "the only way out is through" and my experiences bear that truth out. i care and want healing for us both. hugs, leslieann and her insiders

ps sorry i am kinda long-winded sometimes!

Kaika, this bullying affected you. You can figure out how it affected you (decreased self-worth, decreased personal boundaries, decreased personal power and sense of control, stuffed feelings from the past, etc?) and work to improve these areas of your life/heal......