I don't know what to do

I'm visiting my parents in a few days. They live about 6 hours away by car. My parents still have a friendship w/ the man who molested me for years. They know what happened. They still can't understand why I don't want anything to do w/ that man. They want him to see how good looking I am. Seriously. I have had numerous discussions w/ my parents about not wanting anything to do w/ this man.
I want my parents in my life. They do other things to show me that they love me, but they just don't get it. They have a weird denial about it or something. Everytime they bring up this man I feel like I'm being slapped in the face. Still. they haven't ever tried to force or trick me into seeing this man. It just hurts. if they love me, wouldn't they see it my way? What do you guys think I should do?

Your parents have absolutely NO right to ask you to see this horrible man. If they refuse to understand what happened, it is their loss. Honestly, I'm not impressed with these people. You deserve much more from your parents.
Don't give in to your parents requests. They actually want him to see how good looking you are, after knowing what happened? That is sick and twisted. Of course, only you can decide what to do. But I wouldn't have anything to do with these people until they take you, your feelings, and your safety seriously.

I'm here for you if you need a friend.

I decided not to visit my parents right now. I don't know when I'll go up & see them. I didn't tell them why.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to them how you did.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Shame on your parents, I am a parent and if anyone abuses my children, I would have to fight the urge to cause them some serious pain. I haven't ever hurt anyone before, but if they mess with my kids, I would make sure they would regret it.
I know it is so hard, but you did the right thing. Maybe you should write your parents and tell them again. Tell them you won't be seeing them when this person is around. They will get the hint or loss their daughter.

((vrba))
I salute you for being courageous and taking care of yourself.

Setting boundaries is essential to our healing, especially so when others are trying to disregard them.
Your parents expectations of you being around him and "showing off" how good you look is disrespectful to you.

Their actions are a reflection on them and not on you...
I cannot imagine why they continue to have interaction with this man. I agree with exotic flower that I would seriously hurt anyone who tried harming my children--they are grown now, but woe to anyone who would mess with my grandkids.

I don't believe you owe them an explanation, either. If they cannot understand why, it's their problem.

Thank you for standing up for yourself! It's a fine example you are setting for others. It doesn't always feel good when we do it, but we have to protect ourselves first.

Cap

I went to a peer-run support group last night & they suggested I write a letter. My husband thought consistently telling my parents to stop bringing up this man would help more. That way I could train them not to mention this man. So far my parents haven't dared bring this man around me, they just lament that i won't have any contact w/ him & his family. My husband also thinks I should discuss it w/ my therapist on how to control my reactions to this situation. My parents arew almost 70 & it is hard to retrain people at that age. This has been going on (my telling them i want nothing to do w/ this man or his family) for well over 20 years. I just haven't been consistent enough i guess because sometimes I simply saqy nothing & other times I am adament about them not bringing it up. THey usually drop the subject at that point.
Thank you everyone for your insight & support. it means the world to me. How do you guys deal w/ your family of origin? I need to hear your experience. I will continue to update this thread until I have come to a resolution about this in therapy & w/ my parents.

I think that you may have to set up boundries with you parents. It may look like thiis Mom dad I was hurt by that man and i do not want to see him or be near him or talk about him unless i choose to to and if you can respect my boundries then I will see you if no then Im sorry and we will have to wait until you can.
Probably sounds easier then it would be to do.

Our families' dysfunction is how we got to where we all found ourselves. They obviously didn't try to get better like we did. I deal with my family exactly how they are keeping myself protected along the way. At this point you have to think of yourself first when it comes to dealing with them.......

I agree with Sannah&MINIME-you've protected yourself&your parents are in DEEP DENIAL. If they had a clue they wouldn't be asking you to be around this monster. Make your own boundaries concerning this man&if your parents can't understand it-it's their loss. I've never told my parents about my abuse because they'd call me a liar or ask why I never said anything(I was afraid of how they'd punish me if they found out what was going on.). You're doing the right thing in standing up for yourself-that's so hard when it's your parents you're standing up to! Just maintain your boundaries&stand your ground-YOU are in the RIGHT to be outraged at their indifference.

Good, I'm glad you'll keep in touch with us. You don't deserve this bad treatment and I'm glad that you're standing up for yourself. It can be hard.

My parents? I still have issues with mine too. My mom, who has been physically and emotionally abusive since I was little, tries to call me everyday but I don't answer the phone. I don't answer the door when she visits. I've accepted that she can't change, she won't change, and she doesn't want to change. Every time I open up to her she takes advantage of me. I have a kid of my own now and I find it more and more impossible to understand why she treated me the way she did. Every xmas she guilt trips me into seeing her though. Still working on that part.

I don't trust my dad, but I still visit him because I love him. Working on that in therapy. He has a hard time apologizing, but he's already apologized for half of the things he has done...I'm just hoping he will for the rest. It's so confusing...loving my dad and being hurt by him, not trusting him. I probably sound like a real hypocrite, lol.

I'm trying to change myself & my reactions because I don't think I can change my parents. They have never had this man around me since I said I never wanted to see him again (i'd hit him), but they express a wish for him to see me. I will deal with this in therapy in a week (because I don't see my therapist until Jan 7). I thought about writing a letter, but I think a firm, consistent response of "I thought we agreed we'd never discuss this." will do better. It's weird, my parents show in many ways that they care for me, but this one thing they just don't get. My mother was molested when she was little & nothing was ever done to protect her. It was never discussed. Nothing was ever done to the young man who attacked her. I think that has a lot to do with the denial. My grandparents (her parents) are at the end of their life (my grandfather is in hospice) & she probably can't deal with being angry at them for not protecting her. I'm not making excuses for my parents; what i'm saying is that they were both abused & ignored. the cycle stops with me. I'm angry, but i need to get past my anger because it hurts me more than anyone else. I need to get over this - past it somehow. I think therapy & going back to emdr will help.
Thank you everyone for your responses & support. I'll continue to keep posting on this until I deal with it in therapy & get closure.
It may be need to take a long break from my parents. If that's what i need, I'll do it.

So maybe your mom wants you to deal with it the same way that she had to deal with it? (Not realizing that it wasn't the healthiest way).

Yes Sannah, I think that is the case.

You definitely did the right thing by not going. I also chose not to go see my parents today and I know how hard that is. Keep fighting the good fight. After 20 years it doesn't sound like they will change, maybe they don't know how to deal with what happened. My family is the same away, if they ignore it, it will go away. You and I know that isn't true.

I went to see my therapist today. She suggested I write a letter to my parents & my abusers & read it in her office next week before we think of getting back into emdr. I'll start the letters tomorrow. I'm not up for it today. One of the questions I'm going to ask in my letter to my parents is why wasn't I worth protecting?
Did you know my mom wondered if my going to see the movie "Doubt" was going to trigger me yet she brings up this man? I just don't get it. What is wrong with these people?
I don't have much else to say except to update you guys. I didn't want to start a new thread but have any of you written this sort of letter for your therapist?
Thanks.

((vrba44070))
I'm at a loss for words about people like that. I don't understand them either. Remember that her assessment of the situation is not important. YOU matter. Your feelings matter. The letters idea is good and I hope it helps you.

I wrote the letters as instructed by my T. I felt better, but I don't know how I'll feel reading them in her office. The letters certainly express how I feel, but now they seem a little lame. I still don't know about visiting my parents. I need to confront them.

I didn't feel that much better after I wrote the letters. I felt very depressed. I called my pdoc & he wants me to go twice a week to therapy & avoid my parents for now. He asked if my T, myself & my parents could have a session & discuss this. I told him there's no way they'd agree to it.
I eventually need to confront my parents. I just don't know when. I won't be visiting foir a long time. I don't know if I'll call them & confront them or write a letter. I prefer to call. That way they can't ignore the subject. Thanks to all of you for your advice & support.

Sounds like you will figure this all out eventually. Good luck to you!

I read the letters today in therapy. I start emdr wednesday. Good. I'm ready to get this behind me. I'm calling my parents this weekend & telling them why I won't visit them. Hopefully I'll get thru this. I'm afraid of it blowing up in my face. I'll make sure my husband is there to support me. Thank god I have insurance; I'm seeing my therpist twice a week for at least a month.
I really want to punish my parents. They deserve it. Hopefully I won't hurt myself in the process.

Vrba, I'm glad that you are working through this. Has your anger every surfaced before about this?

yes, my anger has surfaced before, but a long time ago when i was drinking. I used to drink alcoholically. I self-medicated. I haven't been this angry in a long time. I hope I get thru this in tact.
My nephew is graduating high school May 29 & I will have to see my parents then. I hope I resolve this by then.

Of course you will get through it intact...... Anger is the normal response to this situation. Our bodies were made to be able to tolerate getting angry and to be able to tolerate working through it. The trouble starts when we block these normal processes........

I've decided not to call my parents this weekend, but to get thru EMDR sessions first. I don't want my parents giving me a hard time & me hurting myself in order to punish them. That's what i mean by it blowing up in my face. Of course I'll end up hurting my wonderful husband more than I hurt my parents by harming myself so I'm not going to call right now. I need Emdr to lessen my emotional response to the situation.
There's so much to process, so much has happened to me that I was set up for by this man going after me & me not being allowed to fight back. I have a lot to get thru, but my T promises that I will get thru it.
I'm thinking I shouldn't eat. Being fat makes me more vulnerable to abuse in my mind. It makes my chest bigger. I've lost 27 pounds in a few months. I lost two more pounds this week. It's hard not to eat at night, though. I get hungry after not eating all day. I just need to lose more weight. I hope this is not too off subject.