How To Stop The Flinching..? *Trig SI, PA, SA, SUI, ED*

I know my boyfriend gets so upset and annoyed when I flinch when he touches me sometimes, or kisses me in a certain way, or whatever. I hate that I flinch.. I really do. I know that it's him touching me or kissing me, but I still flinch. I get flashbacks every now and then and they kill me inside because..

Because I feel like it's my fault that my adoptive brother sexually abused me.. That he took advantage of my naive childlike-ness.. That he.. He.. Would take me up to his room, with his music blaring and do whatever he wanted to, to me. I didn't know at that age that he wasn't supposed to be doing that. I didn't know that he was taking advantage of how young and 'fresh' I was. He asked me for sex, though. I knew that was wrong, so said no. But.. He begged and pleaded and said that he loved me and really wanted me and such. I still said no, because me being young and stupid, was scared of getting pregnant and getting hurt and such.

Did I lead him onto this by letting him do all of the other things to me, that he did? Is it my fault?

Is it my fault that I went drinking with someone I thought I got on well with and was a genuine guy that lived in the same supported housing with me, that I trusted him? That I went back to his room to get my stuff back? Was that such a bad thing? Just going to get my stuff..? I didn't even notice him lock the door, or creep up behind me.. I didn't know what his plans were. Was it my fault for leaving my dirnk with him when i went to the toilet? Was it my fault that I didn't know he was carrying the date rape drug with him and was planning on dropping it into my glass whilst I was gone? Did I lead him on? is it my fault that I don't remember half of it?

Is it my fault that I went out with another friend after drinking, and went to see her friend and didn't want to spoil their fun by saying I didn't want to join in the game of spin the bottle? Was it my fault that i was taken over by majority influence? Of course it was my fault fo going there and letting it get so far. But.. was it my fault for the guys pinning me down? For my so-called "friend" just laying back and letting it happen, whilst I cried and whimpered for them to stop, but they kissed me so hard I couldn't make a sound? was it my fault the next morning I woke up and showered, to make sure Connor couldn't smell those turkish men on me? Is it my fault that different countries have different morals when it comes to things like women being naked in front og them. Was it so bad that I wanted to feel admired for once, instead of judged?

I hate this. I torture myself over this everyday. I hate the flinching.. I force myself to let Connor kiss my neck, even though I cringe everytime, I force myself to just let him do what he was once able to do without me flinching, 2 years ago. I force myself to just get on with it, get over the rapes, get over the abuse I've suffered.

Is it my fault that everyone sees me as an easy target? Weak? Vulnerable? Is it my fault that.. That.. My cbt worker is talking about dodgy things, things that Connor has said he shouldn't be saying to an under 18 girl.. I don't know what's wrong and right there and he knows it. I'm too afraid to tell him to stop talking about it, to drop the subject. And he knows it. I'm too afraid to cry in front of him, say how i really feel, or get angry. And he knows it. I'm too weak/vulnerable/afraid to tell anyone else who could do something about it. And he knows it. I'm terrified now. Connor has made me terrified of my T. great. Because now I'm thinking 'what if he tries to get me naked? What if he tries to kiss me or something? What if he pins me down?' I panic every time i'm about to go in there and I bet he can see the rabbit-in-the-headlights wild look in my eyes.

Is it my fault that my adoptive family used me as a literal punch bag? That they took all their anger out on me, hitting me, screaming and shouting at me, threatening to kill me, teling me to 'go slash your arms and bleed to death', abusing me in every way possible. is it my fault? WHY? Is it because i was a bad kid? Because.. Because.. I was too quiet, too loud, too shy? Because I spent all my time alone? Because they were jealous of me? because they just wanted a punch bag? because I did something to upset them?

What are the reasons for all these things happening to me?
Why won't my T 'do the past'? He says he doesn't 'do the past'
What kind of use is that? That's the whole reason i went to see him! To get answers to my past..

I blame myself for it all. It's all my fault. I caused it, I made them all hate me, I made them rape me, i made them angry and upset, i made them hit me, I made them say the things they did, i made them do everything they did to me. I made them HURT ME. And now? i want to kill myself for it. Rid the world of this pathetic, disgusting, fat little s**t.

I'm starving myself. As of now on, I'm starving myself and I won't eat again. No-one, absolutely no-one iRL will know. No-one can stop me. not anybody. I hate myself for causing all this. I deserve to die for it.

Did I WANT This?! NO!!!!!!!!! *cries* I don't want to live another day of this.

I am so sorry you have been through so much TPND. No one deserves any of that, and it is most certainly NOT your fault. I know that when there is so much pain and confusion that you wish you could explain it, but pinning the blame on yourself is not the thing to do. Unfortunately, a lot of things happen in life that screw us over, for no reason what so ever. Some call it acts of god, some say it is a test, some say it is just a part of life. No matter what the reason, it does happen and we have to deal with it. You have done an amazing job making it through everything, and believe you me, that is an incrediable feat. You do NOT deserve to die for what has happened, you deserve to heal and to be able to live life properly.

A break for a hug here -

I know that it gets hard and it gets to the point where we wish we could give up and die, but one thing I have learned is that no matter what, things get better at some point, somehow, for some time. No guarantee it will last or be long but things do get better. As I have said you have done such an amazing job making your way through life and simply staying alive, and still being here that it would be very sad if you give up on everything now. Look at everything again objectively, and I know you want to blame yourself, but you will see what happened is NOT your fault. I have spoken with you before and you are a good person, someone who deserves better. Keep trudging through this day and at some point, maybe you will feel better. There are many on PC who are here to help you and support you.

As for flinching - I am sorry but with memories so present it will be a natural thing for you to do. Connor should have to understand this, give you your space, and be supportive. I hope that in time you can grow more comfortable with being with him.

Good luck with everything TPND. Message me if you ever want to talk. Take care.

It is NOT your fault!!! NONE of it. First of all, you were a child with your adopted brother.
And none of the other stuff was your fault either.
It was those other people's fault. They hurt you because of their sickness, their evil NOT because you made them or asked them to.

You are loveable. You are wonderful. You are worthy of love and kindness. It is a dirty rotten awful shame that you don't recieve that and only that.

NONE of this is your fault.

Get rid of that T!!! Don't ever go back to him. EVER!!!

Even if it means you don't have a T for a while. You'll find another eventually. He is not only NOT helping you, he is hurting you. You don't deserve that. You deserve a caring, helpful therapist and there are many of those out there. You will be able to find one.

Good luck!

TPND, it wasn't your fault! They were responsible for their choices and behavior. They were wrong. They only cared about what they wanted, they didn't care how things affected you. Some people are sick like that. You can learn how to protect yourself against these sick people now though. You had no power in your adoptive family. Now you can choose who you will be around. Please do not hate yourself because of the choices of other people who are sick!

I was 10 when my Adoptive Brother sexually abused me.. He was 13.. I held the silence for 6 years.. Because him and my own twin sister had said that if I even breathed a word about it to anyone, they would beat me to a pulp.. I kept it quiet because of that fear, until mine and Connor's one year anniversary day. I'd not thought about telling him, but that day, it came flooding back.. I told him and he was infuriated. He wanted to beat the crap out of Thomas (Aoptive Brother) for it, he wanted to kill him. The troubles didn't stop there.

Connor.. He doesn't even know the half of how s**t my life has been as a kid. I haven't told him that I got beaten every time I opened my mouth to apologise for making someone angry, or for talking about them to my friends or my most trusted teacher in school.. They hated it and I got the worst beating ever for it. My own twin even joined in. They'd brain washed her *sob* I'd lost the one person i cared about most in that moment in time, to people who didn't give a ***** about her, to people who hated me, who wanted me dead. Bryony (my twin) was the one that pulled a knife out on me, threatening to kill me, that kicked a door down onto my head, threatening to kill me.. That day was the day she'd taken it too far. She'd knocked me out for a few seconds.. All over me not answering her, just nodding, when she demanded that I take HER towel down to the wash.

Along came my dog. My life, my best friend, my heart and soul. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'll never forget the days I heard her yelp in pain when her paws would "accidentally" get shut in the door. The times I would scream and jump down 12 stairs to get to her in a flash, the times I felt her pain more than I felt my own, the times I cried into her fur.. Every time that I remember the smell of her fur, the feel of it, her whimper, get the feeling of her tongue lapping at my cheek begging for attention. I.. *sobs some more* I lost her. I lost my life. She was the one thing that kept me sane, that made me keep on going with my life. I'd already attempted sui 8 times, but she was there each time to lick my wounds better and pick me up again. I lost her because they kicked me out for catching them red-handed stealing money, personal belongings, my journal that was going to be published, from my bedroom. They hated it. They hated me. Shana (adoptive Mother) grabbed me and shook me. I knew I was in for it. The evil glint in her eye, the spit collecting around her lips, the clenched teeth and fists, the uptight position she was standing in, looming over me... SMACK! She'd hit me and at the same time, thrown me against the solid pine and glass door, pushed me over and over again into it.

In my reflex action, I put my arms out, pushing her away.. She grabbed me even harder, by the scruff of the neck (bearing in mind I was 16 at this point), and flung me into the kitchen worktop, taking a chunk out of my hip, screaming "GET OUT YOU FILTHY PIECE OF S**T!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!!!! i SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

I cried out and ran to my room, grabbing my phone, knowing Connor would be calling in that moment. I went back downstairs to see what more she had to give me, I tried to apologise, but she grabbed my shirt and shoved me out of the door, saying "Get OUT!!" and I said "You're kicking me out??" tears welling up in my eyes.. She slammed the door shut literally on my back.

Connor called about 10 minutes later, whilst I sat on a cold, lonely, damp bench and cried my heart out. No-one even acknowledged I was there. I felt invincible. I was now officially a nobody... He knew something was wrong straight away and got his Dad to call them. I begged him not to, but they did. The b*stards said that thye were on their way to pick me up, they'd go out now. I waited. I waited. And I waited. 20 long minutes earlier, I was told to go to someone that knew me well's house and call the police. I went to the most well known woman of the village. She was wonderful. The police came and got me, seeing me in an awful state. They went to The Adoptive Parent's place. They lied, said I'd punched them, lashed out and really hurt them, switched on the crocodile tears..

They believed them. I stayed at Connor's for almost 2 weeks, too terrified to go home. Complained to social services where Shana worked. To no prevail

That's all I can do for now..

Would you blame someone else if they had the same things happen to them? Probably not. So you need to cut yourself some slack and stop blaming yourself. Be understanding to yourself as you would to someone else.

I'm sorry that that happened to you TPND . It wasn't right.........

I know.. I wouldn't be so harsh on someone else, but I guess it's just the fact that I was always told it was all my fault and Connor saying that I probably was difficult to live with because I had a messy room and because I defend myself so much, really hurt.. It just.. Made me feel that confirmation that it is my fault, you know?
I know that I never defended myself, I was too scared to utter a word around them.. they knew that and they abused it..

Following on from the bit I wrote earlier..

The officer came back to the riot van and said; "they told me you punched your Adoptive Mother" I broke down and spluttered "W-what?! How.. How could they?! They're lying! I'd NEVER in my whole entire life hit anyone! They hit me,. they beat me til I can stand no more, they were the ones that took a chunk mout of my hip. Look!!" and showed him my hip. He just said "There's nothing we can do, they said you hit her, so that cancels it out. She hit you, you hit her back. There's nothing we can do". I felt completely betrayed by them. By everyone. No-one believed me at all. Not anyone.

The only people that believed me, and only a smidgeon, were Connor and his family.. Because his Mum had witnessed Shana's biting, nasty tongue and she'd seen me cowering away, afraid to go near Shana. Connor's Dad and Connor saw how they all ganged up against me and how Thomas followed me, threatening to hurt me if I went near the house. It makes me sick.

Then, when they heard from my most trusted teacher (whom I'd given permission to talk to them about this), that Thomas had sexually abused me, they lied and said he'd never do such a thing. I got a huge beating for that and will never live to see the day when they won't hate me for it, or hurt me.. But, what kept me going was that Gill (the teacher) believed me. She knew i was telling the truth, because I'd gone to her in tears. I never cried in front of anyone. My adoptive family would sneer at me and say "go and slash your wrists. Bleed to death you thick, fat ugly, disgusting s**t. Hah! Look at you whimpering and crying boohoo! You weakling. Ugh you disgust everyone. Look at how weak you are!"

So, I've never cried in front of anyone but Connor.. And I'll only cry in front of him if I'm pushed enough. I've become more isolated, I know and have stopped crying in front of him, being extremely determined to hide my "weakness" from him. Like it used to be with Shana and those HORRID, WICKED, NASTY, EVIL "Things". They're not humans to me, not to anyone who knows just how much they put me through. Not to anyone who can see how much they've screwed with my head.

Hence why I feel dying would be the best thing for me, because I can never get away from it

I am so sorry all of that happened to you.

Are you safe now? From them? Are you in a safe place? Is anyone actively abusing you, right now? If so, you need to get somewhere safe.

I am so sorry that you had to live through all of that evil. I am so sorry.

It's not your fault. You do not deserve to die.

You DO deserve to be with people who love you, respect you, believe you and truly care about you.

It sounds like, although he of course is not perfect, as no one is, Connor is someone who does this. Is that right? I hope so. But, if he is not like this. If he is abusing you. Even if it's just a little bit. You have to leave him too, honey. You just do.

You WILL be able to find people who are capapble of being loving human beings. And you are very, very deserving of these types of people's love.

You are worthy of so much happiness. You are. You are. You are.

I know you aren't perfect. You are human with faults, who's made mistakes...
But you are a good person, who deserves love.

I believe that with all my heart.

You PM me anytime with anything. I'll listen. I'll believe you.

Thankyou *cries*

I don't feel safe from them, I'll never be safe from their evil, snide, nasty jaws. I'm in supported housing. Almost got taken to another place that deals more with people with mental health problems, but they soon realised it'd only make me worse.. People are abusing me emotionally, and in the way of taking advantage of the fact that I'd do anything for people to like me for "who I am". I give money to people, I give food to people, i cook for people, even wash up for them.. Just to be liked. They all abuse it and sometimes, I never get the money back. I'm being threatened to be beaten the crap out of by someone who doesn't live here, who's friends with someone who does live here. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me feel disheartened.. So many people here hate me. They're all so two-faced about it though. I hate it..

Connor does love me, he does look after me, but.. He's not sensitive to the fact that I flinch because of all the times I've been abused both sexually and physically. He knows he shouldn't shout at me or I will get defensive, because this is the first time I've ever been able to stick up for myself. He gets angry so easily.. He's afraid that our arguments will get so bad that he'll hurt me I'm terrified of it. Of when people shout, when they take on a threatening tone, when they stand over me, staring down at me angrily.. I cower in the corner, terrified that whoever is shouting will hit me.. I feel like people arguing is always my fault. Even if it's someone completely unrelated to me, I still feel like it's my fault, for being alive, for being there.

I know Connor's Mum hates me for OD'ing. She hates my guts for that. She tells me to "just get over it, realise that it was all in the past, taht I'm away from them now".. but it's harder being away from them, because now I can't find the answers out from them, i have to undo this huge muddle of a head of mine.. To try and figure just Something out. And that really hurts. It really does.

You know, everytime I see a gold renault clio sport, I'm terrified it's my Adoptive Brother out.. Coming after me, to run me over, to get me back for telling someone about the sexual abuse he put me through.. I.. I get scared every time I see him or anyone that knows him, because of what they'll know about me through Thomas. His lies, his deceit, his evil-ness. I can't stand having to constantly watch my back and wonder who's going to jump me next.

I can barely walk around college alone, or anywhere. I used to get emotional abuse from my "cousin" at college, I believe she still goes there but I don't see or hear much of her.

I guess it's just a matter of time really, to figure stuff out. Don't know what it'll do, but..

I'm sorry your situation isn't any better.

Is there a counsling department at your college?

Is there a way you could start seeing a therapist?

You need an advocate. Irl.

Keep posting. You have PC. There are a lot of advocates here.

PM me. Please.

Yes, I see the counsellor there. He's rubbish. he makes it all worse for me, belittles my emotions and everything, tells me in his own way that I'm wrong, that i shouldn't feel the way I do and such. I just cancelled my appointment with him today.. He told me last week; "I don't do the past". WTF???!! Why didn't he tell me this A Year Ago???!!! When we first started, I told him i wanted to work on my past, on the negativity I hold onto from my past and such. He could have told me then that he "doesn't do the past".

He makes me SO angry!! He's even made me do my last lot of S/H.. That was the ones I needed stitches for...

I'm going to try and see a therapist, but around here.. There isn't anyone decent. At All.

Advocate?? I should understand that, but there are all sorts of thing I don't know/understand.. What does it mean?

I will keep posting.. It's the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment.

Ugh.. Tania Da Silva.. A girl that lives here, just came in, in the s**ttiest mood ever and said "college was the worst day of my life today" someone asked why and seh said; "Because we were doing about child protection, sexual abuse and stuff. It was horrible, I had to make myself not cry, I was sat there almost in tears.."
She makes me SICK. She did all that to get to me.. To make me sit there and think 'she's doing this to make a point about me going to the police about the rape 10 weeks ago. All because the "witness" made up a pack of lies, which the police and everyone here believed. She's doing it because she hates me because she *Apparently* got raped by her Uncle..' It makes me sick. She has no trouble around men, she's a "lesbian" but she has sex with guys, oh yes, but she's still a lesbian.

I'm, just so fed up of people using and abusing me for their lies, anger outlets, money, sex and other things.. I mean today.. I was on my way home from college after a great hypnotherapy session, in which we didn't actually do a session on the couch, we just had a chat and laura set me some "homework" (God, she's better than Alec!). So, i was on msn on my phone and Charlene spoke to me. I told her I was on my way home from hypnotherapy and asked what she was up to. She said; "Just had a bath and I'm on the computers now. Oh.. By the way. I used some of your shampoo". Fair enough, I'd left it in her room and kept forgetting to pick it up.. But.. That's MY stuff that I spent MY money on and just because she "couldn't find her shampoo" (meaning couldn't be arsed to look for it). So I said.. "Well.. Hang on a minute.. I would have rathered you ask me first. I don't appreciate people just taking my stuff and using it." Normally, I would have felt guilty even thinking of saying it, but today, I just felt anger boil up inside me at how she thought she could just get away with using my stuff without even asking. I admit, i left it in her room, which was a bad idea, but that's no excuse whatsoever to use my stuff!!

I just sit here and think about being used an abused.. Being so kind.. I'm fed up of it.. I'm scared people won't like me for ME, so I buy them into liking me.. That's the only way they seem to like me.. but today, I just got so fed up and I thought ***** It!! If they don't like me for who I am then that's their tough s**t! I'm sick and tired of constantly being used and abused..

I just sit and think.. 'Oh how I wish that my Dad and Foster Dad were here.. None of this would've happened..' My Dad committed suicide when I was 13 months old and my Foster dad.. I lost him to cancer I just think about him all the time and think how much I miss him, because he was such a good person, because I knew him.. I didn't know my dad well at all, i don't remember him, which is sad in itself and I feel guilty for that and it makes me cry

But when I think about it, I sit and think; 'If my Foster dad were here now, none of this would have happened, he'd have saved me straight away.. He would have knwon something was incredibly wrong. He'd have seen through my facade of happy, but shy little girl.. He wouldn't have stood for his "Princess" being hurt. *sob* (that was his pet name for me and my twin, Bryony) He wouldn't have let any harm come to me.. He would have carried on visiting at least once a month, had he been able to.. He would have been my salvation.. He already was and still is, because he was an amazing Father to me.. He took me under his wing and taught me that I was the most special person in his life.. He made me feel liek a somebody, he made me feel like I was on top of the world and like no harm would come to me as long as he was around..

Of course, *sobs again* he is still here, in spirit, in thought and in my heart.. He taught me that if I looked up into the night Sky for the brightest star, that would be my Dad watching down on me.. I have always believed that and still swear by it, it's what keeps me going.. I see that bright shining star and I think of him, my foster Dad.. The one that made me feel so special and like I was on top of the world, like no-one could ever hurt me, that there was always someone watching over me..
Just the other night, I saw the most fantastically bright, but lonely star in the sky.. All the other stars were dimmer and were scattered far away from it. I was crossing a road and just walked across, luckily no cars were coming (ironic eh?) and I just thought of him and my Dad and I'd had the crappest day at college, but just seeing that star, lifted my whole spirit and soul up into happiness and I felt on top of the world again. I felt like "Daddy's little Princess" again. I felt like that special person again. I felt like no harm could come to me, once more..

That really lifted my day to the highest of the high. I was in tears, but it was dark so Charlene, who was walking next to me at the time couldn't see that I was crying.. It was soon shattered by a liar who told me her only living Aunt died of cancer a week ago, when she'd told me the exact same thing 3 months ago.. She told me she'd just OD'd on sleeping pills (she wasn't slurring her words, was on the phone talking perfectly fine). She told me she'd cut so badly she needed stitches, but she wasn't going to hospital.. She then said she wanted to die, wanted ot go with her Aunt. I got angry. I said "Nancy, what would you rather? Do something your 'only living relative' would hate for you to do, and kill yourself, or make her proud and get on with your life, making yourself better?" She said she didn't care, she just wanted to die. Then, in the midst of a perfectly happy conversation, she said "I'm not going to hospital, Kirsten. You can't make me" I made my excuses and left..

I spoke to Connor and Sky about it later on. I completely broke down. Huge, heavy sobs shook my body, tears streamed down my face and I howled with anger, anguish and fear. I felt so lost, so broken and i just could not believe that someone, who had not experienced someone with cancer, had told someone who lost their 2nd Dad, best friend etc. To cancer and never got to say goodbye, taht her "only living relative" had died from it. Lied through her back teeth about it, for the sympathy, for the attention, to get a kick out of it, not even thinking about how much she was breaking my heart. And that day was the first time I properly cried, the first time I properly grieved for my Foster Dad. When I found out, I cried, but it didn't do much for me. This time, understanding death more, I thought "why? Why did God do this to such a kind, loving, gentle man? Why?! And why did he bring such an awful person as HER into the world, killing my soul and not even giving a s**t about me? Just wanting the attention and sympathy, thriving on it? *sob* Why, God WHY?!" I'm not a great believer in God, but I have nothing against Him. I have started becoming more of a believer in Him, more so than I used to.. I look to him now, for answers.. I look up at those stars each night when I'm feeling down and I look for the brightest star and I talk to them. I ask them for answers, I ask them what should I do and why are people doing this to me? I tell them what's going wrong and ask what can I do to make it right? What can I do to make my life better, to live as a "normal" human?
I feel lost without my Foster Dad. he was such a huge part of my life.. He made me believe that there are good people in the world, that I can be one of those people and that I was the most special person in the world to him, that I was a Somebody. God, how I miss him *sobs* I just.. I wish that I could see him for one minute, just to say goodbye and cuddle him one more time.. Just to feel his touch and smell his warm, comforting smell. Just to Be In The Moment With Him. I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I loved him.. Apart from Connor.. But even then, I doubt that I love Connor more.. My Foster dad was the one that moulded me to the person I am today.. And thinking about him saying I'm his Princess and I'm the most special and wonderful, kind person on Earth, I cry.. I feel wonderful, special, kind and a Princess again. I feel that love warming my heart.. I hear his voice calming me and.. And I just want to live it all again..

I feel like I took advantage of the time I had with him, but I know I didn't.. I savoured very moment. Every Single Moment. He's the most special person in my life, he's the kindest, most wonderful man I ever knew and I'm so lucky to have known him. I'm so lucky that my Dad was friends with him and chose him and his Wife to Foster us.

My (non twin) sister may have hated my Foster Parents, but I adored them. They didn't spoil us, but they weren't majorly strict. They treated us all equally, but they always knew that I'd find it harder than the rest of them, so they made it as care-free as possible for me.. They punished my twin when she pushed me down 2 flights of stairs, threw me into a swimming pool, trapped my toes in a door.. They took me under their wing as their own child, as their little baby..

I just wish I'd never been adopted, wish I'd never ever left that place, wish I'd stayed with them until his death.. Wish I'd said goodbye..
And now.. I don't even know where he's been laid to rest So I still can't say goodbye.

My heart aches. I still pine. I still wish. I still hope. I still need.. need him there with me.

God, this is so.. So horrible. It doesn't bear thinking about. How could anyone say such a thing to someone who lost their Foster Dad to cancer? Can anyone answer that?

I figured something out today that I've never spoken about before.. And just blocked out.. i was talking to someone online from SWEDA at the time.. She asked why Bryony (my twin) also threatened to beat me to a pulp if I so much as breathed a word about Thomas sexually abusing me.. I said I wasn't sure.. Then it suddenly clicked..

I looked back to then, and remembered something that I'd blocked out all these 7 years that I've not said a thing about..
I remember so vividly now, Bryony was also my abuser.. Sexual Abuser as well as Thomas THAT'S why both him and her said "Don't you dare say ANTHING, not ONE word about this 'sex stuff' to ANYONE or I'll beat you to a pulp.." I understand now.. I remember being in the room with her and 2 of her friends... And they got me to take all my clothes off *gulps*. Because I'd developed more quickly than all of them.. Then they all started "practising" stuff on me.. It was horrible.. They made me do it to them. I didn't want to, but they forced me.. At the time, I thought it was just harmless fun, but as soon as she said what she did about not saying anything about it, I knew it was wrong.. I just wish I'd said something.. And now, 7 years on, I still doubt myself as to whether it was actually abuse because I did it to them too, even if I was forced.. See? I doubt myself so much.. Was it sexual abuse from her? And her friends?

*sigh* I feel so stupid, like such an idiot, like I should have said something, done something.. And now I feel like whacking my head again. But this time on a wall..

Jstyiu anotyhjer perosn taking advatntage of the acft that I'm not aorund to have agto at them for lying sabout me and telljing everyone crap avbotu me and being absnty abou tme to them. I'm socick of it.. Re;alyl sick..

Cant. Dooi.It.anyntjmore.. I;'m faldling..

Ok, so things are feeling a little easier.. I'm still suffering majorly though, with this ED.. That's my way of dealing with the abuse I suppose. I've been abused more recently by yet another person that I thought loved me, cared about me, wanted me around.. Emotionally abused yet again..

He says that he'll get better, that he's so so sorry for being mean.. We've been apart for a weeka and a half.. It's valentines day tomorrow. I want to get back together with him, but it just seems to soon He's hurt me and I just can't trust that he is better already. Its it fair to feel this way?
I'm hurting so much..

Yesterday, I broke down to him. I told him that I felt like nothing I ever did was right. I told him that he had said staying together wasn't doing us any good, but then when I call upon a break, he tells me that's wrong too. I grabbed my hair and pulled, asking "What the ***** else can i do, Connor?! What can I do?! I've made all the effort to make it work and all you can do is tell me I'm wrong!! There's nothing else I can do! God give me strength, help me, co-operate with me!" I whacked my head again a few times..

he asked if I thought getting angry at him was helping matters, I said no, but I wasn't getting angry at him. I was frustrated, angry with myself for not doing ANYTHING right.. I felt like no-one wanted to co-operate with me, like a lot of people are against me It hurts so much and I just can't take anymore abuse..

Rich saw my arm last night, I was leaning my head on my hand and my sleeve slipped. I pulled it back down as quickly as I could, but just as I left the room a little later, he beckoned me over and said "that wasn't what I think it was, was it?" I said no, that I'm fine and Charlene said she'd pushed me and I'd fallen into a bush (stupid, rubbish story) he didn't fall for it, he just said "do me just one favour. Please." i asked what and he said "Don't ever do it again. Never." i said that I don't make promises like that and he said that it's not a promise, it's a favour.. I said that I could only try. I didn't catch what he said after because I went back to my room. Sigh. I know he cares and all, but.. It's my body, my choice..

I hate this, I really hate it. If I OD'd again and went into hospital, would anyone know? Would anyone come and see me? Would anyone care to think that I'm struggling like hell at the moment?! Even his parents won't try to understand.. I get that I haven't told them much about my life, but that's because of the way they are towards and about me.. They make me feel like I should just "get over it" like I can't talk to them because they'll tell me to forget it or whatever..

It's not that simple! *sob* I can't do it anymore, I feel like giving up.. One more thing and that's the last straw.. I'm hurting and no-one IRL can see that!

((((((((TPND)))))))) i am so so sorry for all the things you have experienced or had to endure. i'm glad you had the courage to post what has happened to you.
here's my answer plain and simple:
NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING BE IT EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, OR PHYSICAL ABUSE.

you are not at fault. you are a person of value and worth. you deserve to be respected and loved.

If I deserve to be respected and loved, then why do I always seem to get abused?

Today, I went back to college, despite still being incredibly ill and everyone just wanted to get to me, having a go at me, telling me we have a performance today that was practiced yesterday when I wasn't there and when Kyle was supposed to be singing anyway, but he's in Cheltenham today.. But they insisted that I was going to do it..

Then Gemma, who bunks off college for weeks and weeks at a time, so can't say much, demanded to know where the hell I was. So, me getting fired up and angry at her, a skiver, accusing me of skiving, said "FYI, Gemma dear, I was incredibly ill and in bed all day unable to move anywhere at all without collapsing. So don't you even begin to start having a go at me!" She didn't know what to say then.

Then, when I wasn't in improvisation today and at hypnotherapy instead and went to my lecturer to explain afterwards and we had a good chat and a laugh about it, me saying how I was still in the "hummmmm" stage (lol). Gemma decided to demand where the hell I was then and blame me, saying "the WHOLE group couldn't perform today because YOU weren't THERE!" So I turned around, Connor by my side and said "You again? I was elsewhere, more important and have explained to Luke and Kyle was supposed to be singing that song, anyway lovey, so don't even THINK about blaming ME!" she also shut up then and I made my way to the media block again.

it really got to me because everyone, absolutely EVERYONE IRL seems to see me as an *It* that sings and can be used as a punchbag! Why ME?! Why not Naffa, who is the biggest tw*t in the group!?

I hate this.. I'm being hurt everyday..
Connor kissed me today I didn't know how to react.. I was shocked, didn't expect it. Then he got funny about the fact that I'd just acted as though it hadn't happened and not made a fuss out of it. i told him I didn't want to make a huge fuss out of it because I was in pain and it wouldn't do any good to me, getting stressed out. He took it as "that kiss meant nothing to her" I explained that it meant something and I felt a bit awkward, but I just didn't want to make a fuss.

I'm just some sort of it, a punchbag, an anger outlet and somebody to just use to make others happy I hate it. I hateit, I HATE it, I HATE IT!!!!!
Why can't I just stop hurting??? *sob* this is all hurting far too much and I can't take much more pain

Yes!

Because you don't stand up for yourself and set boundaries???????? You seemed to start setting some today, though, when you replied to Gemma. Good work!

I have set boundaries now, though.. Could it be that they're just testing them? I'm sick and tired of always being used and abused and now even my friends are being a*seholes to me at the moment.. I can't deal with that

I'm fed up of not sticking up for myself. I'm fed up of people thinking "oh s**t she's more confident, more 'in with the group', contributing more. We need to bring her down somehow." It's just not fair! Everyone else is so far up their own a*se that if someone else starts to become higher, more confident or just as good or confident, tghey have to bring them down. I can't stand it..

Our music group is so competitive and people constantly pick on me. I'm such a black sheep wherever I go..

I never fitted in with my birth family, kinda did in my foster family, not at school, not in my adoptive family, not at secondary school, or work, or college.. When will I ever fit in??? I don't want to live like this anymore.. I want to be me again.. But no-one's letting me.. I try so hard!

I just keep getting hit about, emotionally abused/attacked, I'm terrified of going anywhere alone because I'm scared of people following me/attacking me.. I keep getting sexually abused.. what the hell is it about ME that's so attractive that someone feels they have to rape me in order to be able to get what they want out of me? Christ.. It's killing me, tearing me up inside and no-one IRL understands.. All I ask is just someone to.. To say that they do care and that they'll help as much as possible. Not understand because I know they couldn't possibly understand, but just to try and be there.

I hate this. I feel liek I deserve to just drop dead.

Yes, many people don't like boundaries but that just means that we have to be strong and maintain our boundaries. If we stick with it they will get the message that you will not fold.

You don't become empowered because people give you your power. You become empowered when you take back your power. It is common for people to not cooperate. Hang in there. If you continue to maintain your boundaries people will get the message that you mean business and they will stop because they will know that you aren't going to take it from them. People stop when their efforts are useless. If they know that they will win they will continue. It is worth it.......

Perverts can read people who are vulnerable and they prey upon that. Understanding your vulnerabilities will help you to combat them.

I know it's worth it, I should know by now that every battle can only be won by fighting, not standing back and watching it happen, expecting some good to magically appear.. Hmm there's some food for thought.

I'm not going to just give in like they think I will.. For instance, everybody choosing songs that They want to do for our final gig, and not letting mem choose a song that I wish to do. Then when I do choose it, they agree to learn it, never do, then just pick another 2 songs to do. GRRRRR!! I'm NOT letting them get away with it!! There's one specific song that I fell I HAVE to do in order to make myself and my foster Father feel at peace with ourselves (even if he is dead, I owe it to him) Christ! Does no-onme in that group have any compassion!?!

*sigh* I guess not. Even if they have had members of their family die. They still couldn't give a s**t about what songs I'd like to sing in our final gig. They still wouldn't give a s**t if I dropped dead! They all managed to have a go at me for not being in college for one day, when I couldn't even make it to the drs for help, let alone college, so they'd probably just piss and moan about me not being there if I died. Blimey. What is the world coming to?

Strange place to live in, eh?

I guess I'm sick and tired of constanyl being used and abused. It sucks and it's killing me. But does anyone IRL care? NO!