Maybe not as bad as I think

You may know my story and you may not. I was never abused as a child or teen but as a wife. My first marriage was a nightmare of beatings and torture treatments. But I don't feel like I should be here. As I read and try to offer support to all of those that have posted here I feel like my nightmares are nothing compared to theirs. I feel like maybe I'm making a bigger dael out of it than I should. I was never sexually abused just physically. I made the decision to stay as long as I did and escaped when could no longer handle it. I fought with him willing and sometimes did exactly as he told me not to just to make him mad. I taunted him, picked fights even though I knew I would lose. I'm not ashamed that I was abused but of how I have re-acted since then. I am so alone inside that life has been miserable. I no longer turn to substances to numb my feelings but can't seem to express myself to those who do love me. I'm very confused. I'm scared of letting my guard down even for a second, but logically he would never come after me again. He has no income that I know of so even if he finds us he can't come to where we are at the moment. I think my fear is unrealistic and self- absorbed. Do I need the attention that the abuse brought? I think maybe I do crave that attention. Good or bad it was attention. I don't know what I'm saying sorry to go on and on without much of a point. I just needed to get it out there even if no one reads it.

mel, no one has the right to physically harm or emotionally abuse another human being.
he had a choice he did not make...regardless of your behavior...he could have walked away...but he chose not to.
perhaps you would benefit from therapy about abuse. it helped me tremendously. it might help you too.
be more kind to yourself. by accepting his blame as your own, keeps you his victim. don't give him that power even if he's no longer in your life.

Hi Melissa, congrats on stopping the numbing with substances! This is really an accomplishment! Having your guard up does inhibit expressing yourself. You'll just need to work with this, work towards feeling safe and understanding yourself. How insightful of you to realize your issues with bad attention. Keep up this insight and understanding of yourself. When you were a child was negative attention mostly what you got?

Thank you for your reply. As far as negative attention when I was child, I don't ever remember any other than when I pulled the typical stunts a teenager pulls. I was the pretty, outgoing cheerleader that everyone liked. I found i needed the substances to keep up that persona when I left the abuse and went home. Now that I don't have my parents hovering I find myself isolating myself and withdrawn from everyone. Not sure why. I don't want to be alone but I get so nervous around people I don't know that I panic. Recently started a med that seems to help some and hopefully will continue to improve that panic. I haven't actually went out and been "myself" but I have set a goal. Thanks again for your time.

Hello melissa1202,

something in your posting indicates to me, that there is maybe more than you are actually aware of. If you are looking for attention, then maybe there is something that needs attention. You should maybe follow this trace.

Have you contacted a PT, has there been made a solid and systematic diagnosis? If not, I would recommend this as a first step.

Something seems to disturb your self-confidence and your self-esteem. This ought to be cleared, I think.

bluenarciss

I was watching a high school dance team member last year at an event. The plastic look on her face told me a lot. I wondered what was behind that. Do you feel you had a similar experience?

(((Melissa))) No matter what you've gone through someone else has had it much worse, but that doesn't make what you've gone through any less tramatic or any less wrong. You did not deserve to be abused. It's natural that you would have trust issues after that. I hope very much that with time and perhaps therapy you'll get to a better place where you feel safe and secure.

You know i never really thought about that part in my life. I never once looked there for answers. I remember needing to be the focus of my world. I loved being watched during competions and games. I loved the camera and being surrounded by people. Now the nervousness of the thought of botth make me sick to my stomach. It's like I went a complete 180 from the girl I remember. But my memory is very foggy, (lots of sustances since then, started at 13.). So I don't know exactly what i remember was accurate. I saw a pic of an old friends team on Facebook the other day, and they all looked happy enough,(she was a year behind me). Then I think maybe i'm overanalysing it all. I don't remember to many unhappy memories from my "good ole days". Do you think I am using the abuse as an excuse to be this way because that is just who I am? Just never excepted it?

I am curious why you started abusing substances at 13?????????? This would hold a lot of clues for you getting better........

Good job on quitting the drugs. I do suggest maybe seeing a therapist. I just wonder if you don't reconize the attention that people in your life do give you. They may do it in different ways. Like I didn't know why my therapist always asked how my mom was doing then one session she told me that's how people show they care for each other (asking questions about you, etc.). That made me feel good. Or just ask for more hugs from people. Even if you aren't a cuddly person. Hope this helps. Good luck.