[lenjan]

You can read my post on general about the kid, but here's the basic story.

There is this little kid, 2 or 3 years old, who lives downstairs from me. Pretty much every night, for hours (seriously), I can hear her dad talking loudly to her, though I can't quite make out what he's saying, and the poor kid is just sobbing hysterically. It's not little, "waah, I'm tired/hungry/cold" cries -- the best way I can describe it is that at my former job, a coworker got a call that her brother-in-law had shot himself in the head. Imagine THAT kind of crying -- out of control, basically.

I have no way of knowing what's going on down there. I don't want to go down there and barge in, because I have to live in the same building with these people, after all. I don't know what the managers could do. I'm afraid to call the police because I don't want these people knowing who called them. But with the crying comes noises like thuds, like something hitting a wall, and I'm scared to death this poor kid is being abused. Even if she's not,it's f'ing ANNOYING to be kept up at night by a screaming kid who isn't even yours!

Not to mention, it's horribly triggery and makes bad things come up. I am too afraid to tell you the pictures playing in my head, but all the Klonopin in the world won't make them go away. And, I'm feeling guilty as hell, because I'm standing by doing nothing when something might be going on. The world doesn't need another abused kid. I'm thinking I'm triggery because nobody rescued me, either. The kid's mom came upstairs and apologized to me once for all the crying, but she didn't offer an explanation for it and I assured her it wasn't a bother....right....like, what are you going to say? I thought of the last episode of MASH, where Hawkeye tells the Korean mom on the bus to shut up her baby and she smothers it.

If I were feeling better, I would be pretty f'ing pissed right about now that nobody rescued me. I'm not willing to say I didn't deserve it quite yet, although I know the little girl downstairs doesn't deserve any of it, if it's happening to her. But I'm pissed that it was all made to look absolutely fine to everyone else. Nobody had a clue what the hell went on INSIDE my house. From the outside, everything was just fine. I remember bits and pieces of people occasionally bringing things up, but I don't know if it was because they knew something, or what.

In third grade, I had this green fake fur coat that had a left-hand zipper. I could not zip that jacket to save my life. (I also couldn't tie my shoes till first grade and couldn't tell time till late third grade.) I remember being the last kid in the classroom one day, trying to zip the f'ing jacket, and my teacher finally doing it for me "because you know your mom will be mad if you don't have it zipped." I don't know if "mad" is the right word, but I'm pretty sure I would have heard about how stupid and useless I was for not being able to zip my own jacket.

In eighth grade, after I had been seeing the same math tutor since 2nd grade, we were discussing something--no clue what--and she said she was never sure she would see me from week to week, because she didn't know if I would live that long. WTF kind of thing is that to say to a kid?! I remember the comment, but I don't know what caused her to make it. A lot is a blur prior to 13, or it used to be, but right now it's all very clear and I need to cry but I can't, and I'm desperate to cut but I can't, and I feel like I am losing my f'ing mind, or what's left of it, and I just want it all to go away. Or at the very least I want to scream, "WHY ME?" What could I have done that was so rotten and horrible? Why didn't any of the rest of them get it? Why did they doom me to a f'ing LIFETIME of mental illness because of this crap? And, the question I most want answered: WHAT THE $#@! IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm having the breathing problems of a panic attack, but the VCR in my head is still going and trumping everything else. There is no f'ing way I could have earned this...right? Why did all THEIR crap get taken out on ME? What kind of psychopath would do that to a little kid?

I feel like I should keep typing till the tape in my head fully unwinds, but I might be up all night. I think I'm going to go curl up with a bear and a blanket and soothe my inner 3-year-old.

I'm too "out of it" to cut, so I should be fine in a bit. Thanks for letting me rant. And the next time I hear that kid scream, I'm calling the cops. It's got to stop somewhere.....

Candy

Candy,

perhaps taking a look at the list I just posted in the Diss. forum could help at a time like this Surviving the Emergency Stage

I pray you get through tonight okay and awaken knowing you can get through this with support. Learning to ask for enough support during the really hard times can be painfully difficult for survivors of csa or neglect. I know I spent many years wishing people were mind readers and could just tell how upset I was. I had to learn to reach out and it still is challenging in many instances. I keep trying though as I surely could not do my healing work alone.

Take gentle care Candy.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((( candy ))))))))))))))))) safe hugs

i can't imagine how difficult and triggery a situation that you're in. also, you're working so hard and such long hours, not getting the rest that you need is not a good thing.

please be extra good to yourself right now.

[inkblot]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[ktp]

((((((((((((((((((((((Candybear)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Wants2Fly]

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I can only pray that the Life, Destiny, whatever has put you in this peculiar and triggering situation because you are strong enough to work through it and, I pray, put these demons in your head to rest through doing so.

I would prefer that this hadn't happened to you, though.

(((((((((((((((((((((CandyBear)))))))))))))))))))))))

[lenjan]

Oh, man. It just gets worse. I saw my pdoc yesterday, and, after suggesting that I slip an anonymous note under their door letting them know someone is aware of what's going on, he doubled my Klonopin.

It is very difficult not knowing what's going on or how to help this kid, if she needs help. But what's really flipping me out is that she's roughly the age I was when I started being abused. I think that's part of why it's bothering me so much.

I see my T tomorrow, but the cold I've been trying to get for 3 or 4 weeks has shown up and I have almost no voice. I could barely even lecture this afternoon. And I still have to work tonight. Blah.

But, I guess it's better than sitting home and listening to the goings-on downstairs.

Candy

[ktp]

(((((((Candy))))))))

Your pdoc had a good suggestion. The doubled Klonopin is a good idea right now, don't you agree?

Slipping a note anonymously letting them know someone knows what's going on is a good idea. If you can do it....

Then if nothing was done within 24 hours, I'd call the police. One thing that might help overcome these memories and help these triggers is to be able to help a child whose being abused like we needed when we were young. That's just my opinion though. I can't begin to understand what it's like to be in your shoes.

Just do what you feel is right, but then you've gotta do something to save your own sanity.

((((((soothing hugs and thoughts)))))))))

take care,
Kimberly.

[cms39]

Candy, it's possible they are trying to give the child her medicine and she won't take it. Another possibility is an autistic child. Of course, abuse is possible too. Once my mother called the police about a child who was screaming wildly and it turned out to be an autistic kid who couldn't communicate. Just a thought. But it can't hurt to call and they can look into it.

[cms39]

(((((((((Candy)))))))))
Of course, to the little child in Candy, that is probably not what is concerning you. My thoughts are with you. I hope you start feeling better.

[obsids]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Candy, it's possible they are trying to give the child her medicine and she won't take it. Another possibility is an autistic child. Of course, abuse is possible too. Once my mother called the police about a child who was screaming wildly and it turned out to be an autistic kid who couldn't communicate. Just a thought. But it can't hurt to call and they can look into it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think that erring on the side of being overly protective is important for the sake of the child. I have read too many stories about kids who have been severely injured or killed by abusive adults... where neighbors and friends had warning signs but didn't want to interfere with the parents' decisions.

Interfere, for the sake of the child. Call the cops when it happens. You can't change your past, but you can at least call 911. Maybe it will turn out to be nothing major. But better to call and report than to sit back and allow it to continue.

And Candy, take care of yourself. This must be awful for you to hear. Call... that is what the police are there for. It could mean everything to a little kid who has no other way of protecting herself.

*hugs*

Obsidian

[lenjan]

The nightly horror downstairs has begun early today. I called the cops and am hoping they get here soon. They said they didn't have to tell these people who called them, so I hope that's the case, except they might tell the landlord, though I hope not.

They just got here -- buzzed me to let them in -- and now she's quiet! Figures. But I can still hear her dad.

You guys, I cannot stand to listen to this anymore. I don't know what else to do but move!



Candy

[lenjan]

I did it. I called the cops last night. Today, the *****y part of the apartment manager couple (she's very ****, not to mention rude, and he's as laid-back as it gets) called and asked me to call. I was panicked the whole way driving to school that the cops had told them.

Which is exactly what happened.

So, when I got here relatively early, I pulled out the ol cellphone and tried the managers again. Thank god, I got the husband. I told him why I did it (that it triggers the f**k out of me, and that I was afraid she was being abused) and he said he'd been sure there was more to the story and thanked me for being honest with him. He did request that I go to them first next time, but he also said he wouldn't tell the people downstairs who called, so I don't have to worry about them coming after me.

Even better, he said that he'd heard the kid screaming too, and that those people needed to realize they weren't the only ones living in the building and that they needed to be more respectful of others.

WHEW.

I don't know if I solved anything, but at least I know I tried. And now it's past time for me to take my 3rd Klonopin of the day.

Candy

[nightdream]

You did good sweetheart! Very good!

I'm proud of you! You did the right thing!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Try to relax now sweety!
nightdream

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((Candy)))))))

That was SOOOO brave of you!!! Way to go girl!


Angela

[Mahali]

Candybear,

I am so glad you called. Not only for the girl but for your sake too. I hope you can get some peace now.

[ktp]

(((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))

What you did was very courageous. Maybe now things will change for the better for you dear.

take care,
Kimberly.

[cms39]

Candy, That is SO good. I'm glad you called. I did that once on neighbors who were just yelling and screaming. I was afraid the guy was hurting the woman. You know what I did? I called the police and then I got in the car and left for a while. When I came back, everything was over.