[FeatherLite]

I have been through a great deal myself, from being molested as a child by my grandmother's neighbor to emotional abuse by my mom, most of my relationships were abusive and I was stalked and forced into hiding. I know all the ins and outs, the red flags and symptoms. But I can't seem to define effectively, for my very dear friend, that she is, in fact, in a highly abusive relationship. I am aware that denial makes it more difficult to get through to her, and I know that she will only leave when she is ready. But I know she won't leave any sooner until she is aware of how serious her situation is. And her children are suffering.

She wants to leave. She is not in love with him anymore. But she has a daughter with him (and a son from a previous marriage) and has no money and no access to any to be able to leave. I have told her there are state programs that will assist her with legal representation, a victim compensation program and other resources that can be of great value to her. She seems to be stuck on the idea that she won't qualify because he doesn't beat her all the time. She doesn't believe she is an abused woman because he doesn't beat her all the time; her situation is not that severe.

She has had him arrested at least twice, once for DV and false imprisonment, a second time for DV. She has bailed him out both times. She asks what she should do. I told her to have him arrested the next time he does it and leave him there. She says "But I'm the one who is going to end up bailing him out.". Why? Because he can lose his job and it will essentially be her fault.

Other times he has hit her, he played remorseful until he realized she was not calling the police. He then goes back to blaming her for his behavior. When I tell her there is no excuse, she actually says, "But I provoked him.".

When she tells him to go to counseling, he tells her she is the one who needs it. And she does, but not for being an abuser.

She has a son from another relationship, but her husband has practically raised him. When she has tried to leave him in the past, he has actually told the boy that he will probably never see him again because he is not his real father. Then he turns to his daughter, right in front of the boy, and says, "Mommy wants to take you away from me, but I'll see you when I can."

There were similar incidents in the past, but he recently kept her awake until she "assisted" him sexually. This time was kind of like a wake up call. She told him repeatedly that she didn't want to, but he kept at it until she finally gave in. When she later told him how cheap she felt, he said that was not his intention - it was just the only way he would have been able to go to sleep. He knows she doesn't love him anymore, but it doesn't matter. He wants to be "serviced", even if she doesn't want to. Again, she asks what she should do. When I tell her to just say "no", she says she is worried about him getting angry.

She would consider it spiteful to cite abuse in her divorce.

When I tell her there is something not quite right with him, she says they are both not right up there.

I know this is all the result of the abuse, but I'm wondering if there is another, more subtle, but effective approach to getting her to see it. I don't want to pound her, even though she is asking for my advice.

Help?

[FeatherLite]

I also want to mention that she has spoken to someone else about it, and they were pretty descriptive on what could happen if she stays. She also said read about safety plans, but doesn't think she needs to do any of that because, again, hers is not as severe as other cases. How do I get through to her that it is when a victim leaves that the most harm can come to pass?

[chaotic13]

The guy she is with uses all the tools of abuse very well. All you can do is support her and challenge her when she makes those false. Sometimes its easier to be a victim than it is to accept responsibility and act.

I know I left the verbal abuse go on in my home for too long. For some reason I just accepted that nothing could fix it. It was only after I realized after I saw that my son was being hurt that I jumped into action. Maybe this is a way to get your friend to see what is happening. Help her see how it is affecting her children. Just be very gentle when you do this..cause when she realizes what she is doing it is going to hit her hard.

Also, maybe go to the local library and check out Patrica Evan's book...Verbal Abuse. Someone here recommended it to me. It was a good wake up call for me and got me moving.

[FeatherLite]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

The guy she is with uses all the tools of abuse very well. All you can do is support her and challenge her when she makes those false. Sometimes its easier to be a victim than it is to accept responsibility and act.

I know I left the verbal abuse go on in my home for too long. For some reason I just accepted that nothing could fix it. It was only after I realized after I saw that my son was being hurt that I jumped into action. Maybe this is a way to get your friend to see what is happening. Help her see how it is affecting her children. Just be very gentle when you do this..cause when she realizes what she is doing it is going to hit her hard.

Also, maybe go to the local library and check out Patrica Evan's book...Verbal Abuse. Someone here recommended it to me. It was a good wake up call for me and got me moving.

Thank you. I have brought her kids to her attention, as you said, gently. She is well aware of the damage it is causing but she can't seem to get loose from the grip of the abuse.

I'm praying she will snap out of it sooner than later.

[Pomegranate]

I agree with chaotic. There isn't much more you can do other than be supportive and when the right moments arise, challenge her - confront her with reality.

Also take care of yourself. This guy could turn his focus on you if come on his radar. Or you can get burnt out by trying to help someone who just may not ever "want" real help until it is much too late. You are being a good friend but Be Careful.