Introduction--scared--possible triggers

Hi everyone. i'm not entirely certain how to proceed here. i guess i'll start with my diagnoses and go from there. i apologize in advance if i say too much or too little (the latter is unlikely) and will understand if a moderator needs to edit this message for content. i just don't know what to do here and i kind of feel like i'm going under.

i have diagnoses of Major Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and DDNOS. The latter is the primary reason i find myself here but there are so many things "up" for me these days it's hard to focus on just one aspect of being. i have MANY "movies of the week" as i call them.

i'm an adoptee--found my bio mother 20 years ago and had/have a less than ideal relationship with her. She's rather inept emotionally and has never really been able to show much of an interest in me unless it specifically benefitted her. She refused to tell me my bio father's name (said she couldn't remember which was b.s.) until about a year and a half ago when her husband passed away. Three weeks later i found him and that was a rewarding experience until the two of them realized they lived 15 minutes apart from each other and immediately rekindled their relationship after 45 years of no contact. Once that happened, i became an afterthought (again). Now they are planning on getting married next month. i'll attend (how could i not?) but the whole thing is very painful for me for a number of reasons. First, because i've been so easily discarded and inconsequential to them (and every other "family" member) and last, because they will be having a pagan ceremony. It's not that i begrudge them their choice of ceremony/religion or anything...it's that i'm a ritual abuse survivor and i'm so triggered by all things ritual i can't even bring myself to look up what the ceremony might be like.

i was adopted as an infant into an utter hell-whole. My adoptive father physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me; my adoptive brother (13 years older) sexually, emotionally, and ritually abused me (my father and other family members were likely involved in ritual abuse as well, i'm just not secure in stating it as fact at this time); my adoptive mother neglected me and i think she was involved in sexual abuse as well. i do know that she forced me to abort an abuser's child when i was only twelve or thirteen. My childhood best friend came forward a month before i found my biological father and confirmed i told her of this when she was 13. She also said my adoptive father and brother took turns sexually abusing her and i at the same time and that my adoptive father was acting out a teaching role with my brother. So...other than my adoptive sister (16 years older and largely absent), my entire family was involved in abusing me in one form or another. i was the prize at a poker game, sold, beaten for the most minor infraction, and witness and/or forced participant to atrocities most people cannot allow themselves to believe.

Apart from the impending marriage ceremony, i've recently lost a therapist that i feel i was able to have the most growth with in over 18 years. i only saw her for about a year and she was sometimes flakey, but when i was with her, various parts showed up. My new therapist with the same organization is nice and seems knowledgable but i don't feel we're really "clicking". i've only seen her about four times so i'm trying to be fair and open-minded but i'm also very nervous. i felt it was a really big deal that my parts were showing up and i really need to progress in that area.

Yep, i wrote more here than i knew. My apologies if it's too much. i don't see an edit option for the original post. i'm really glad Christina put a trigger icon up--i didn't know about them at the time of my post--and appreciate her help in moving this portion to this forum. i initially thought it wasn't that graphic but, after re-reading it, would have to agree it's pretty triggery. Sorry sorry.

Post what you want. That is what the forum is for.

I'm glad you could say what you needed to say. That's what the forum is here for. Welcome.

I wish I could offer you something to help. I just don't know... but I offer you

Hi MeSo..

I have suffered from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and I have some concerns on whether there was RA, but I don't really have hard evidence. I kind of have suspicion, but at the same time, something inside says to stay away and that we don't really want to know.

I just wanted to say that it breaks my to know that this sort of abuse happens to others....!! I am sorry you experienced these things.

I'm glad you are here at the forum so you can have an outlet and support.

Thank you for sharing. Know that you always have support here!!

MeSo
I had physical, emotional and sexual abue in my life also. The emotional abuse continues to this day. It makes me feel so awful to hear that others suffered with this. It doesn't seem to matter if it is just me.
I'm glad you are here MeSo.

TY Calista+12. i'm sorry you went through such pain. None of us deserved any of it!

Welcome MeSo, I am also sorry that you have had to suffer through all of this stuff. I am sorry that you are not getting what you need from your bio parents. Hopefully you can find people to have in your life who do give you what you need. You have only met 4 times with your new therapist. You probably need more time before you can feel more comfortable with her and open up more?