[mixedup_emotions]

I told my T in my session yesterday about my past SA experience and have been triggered ever since. I just don't get it. I never thought it was a big deal....honestly, I felt as though I got over it and it wasn't that big of a deal.

Bear with me....

When I was a young teenager, I started working under the table for a guy who owned an auction house. He was the father of a boy I went to school with in junior high, and since we lived in the same town, the father offered to provide the transportation to/from the auction house for me to work. He was a greaseball....short, large and disgusting looking.

My second night on the job, we arrived at the auction house and I immediately noticed that he locked the deadbolt on the only door with a key. That caused me some concern, and I asked him if the other employees were going to be arriving soon - as it was just me and him. He said they were running late and would be there soon.

We got some work done, and then he said he wanted to show me something. He brought me to a back room where there was a bed...he opened a drawer and showed me his porno mags.

I became very uncomfortable....He then pulled out a knife and showed it to me.....

I became terrified. I knew I was locked in and couldn't get out....I was trapped....and all alone....He then told me to perform oral sex on him. I knew I couldn't run. There was nowhere to go. I was terrified that he would use the knife on me. So, I complied.

I remember certain parts so vividly. How it felt in my mouth. How he couldn't get totally hard.....how he was fondling my breasts through my shirt...when he ejaculated....I was mortified.

Afterwards, he kept telling me how beautiful it was. He offered me a better job, $500/week under the table, but I would have to go to NY with him once a week. Fat chance in hell.

Of course, nobody else showed up that night. His intentions were quite clear. On the drive home, I became more brave....I guess because I knew I could always jump out of the car door. He kept telling me how good the blow job was, and how it was beautiful....I told him it was nasty. (Thinking back, I am amazed at how brave that was.).....

When I got home, I immediately got in the shower....for a long time...and cried and cried and cried.

I then (again brave, I have no idea where I got the strength) called his house. His wife answered. I told her to give him a message - that I quit.

And I never heard from him again.....I don't even recall if I saw his son after that either.

I always thought to myself - eh, no big deal. Apparently, he liked me and I was good at giving blowjobs! And thank GOD he didn't violate my privates - other than fondling my breasts through my shirt - or make me undress! (WOW, what a warped sense of reality.)

.....Now that I am in therapy, and just started talking about it, I can see how much this experience affected my life. The fact that I enjoyed giving blowjobs - because I was "good at it"....and that I felt powerful doing that....and that by doing that, men wouldn't touch me. How I HATE being touched intimately unless I mentally prepare myself for it and keep boundaries in place. How I haven't EVER been naked in front of a man (even after being married for 14 years)....

And all these years, I thought that it was no big deal....Yet, now that I am thinking about it - I am so triggered by it. My anxiety level is through the roof and I can't seem to get it under control. I only brought it up for the first time Thursday in therapy, and I am STILL triggered.

I can't believe this incident that I "took lightly" is having such an impact on me now....and that it has made its way into so much of my life!

[phoenix7]

a man used his power to overpower you - threaten you and force you to perform oral sex - it is a big deal - I can see how it would have affected you and still does - talking about it to T brings all that to the surface - all the things you told yourself to get through and past it - all the feelings you put away come out -

When I told T about being SA - I wanted to suck the words back out of the air and wipe his mind clean - not leave a trace - it was really painful for me to talk about it - the little I did - I dont have a lot of memories - the things is next time when I saw T and realised he hadnt changed how he treated me - that he didnt think it was my fault - that I didnt cease to exist - that the world didnt stop turning for me it did start to get better - yes it affects your past and your present - but working with T can help you stop it from affecting your future

Sorry for the long reply

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

a man used his power to overpower you - threaten you and force you to perform oral sex - it is a big deal - I can see how it would have affected you and still does - talking about it to T brings all that to the surface - all the things you told yourself to get through and past it - all the feelings you put away come out -

When I told T about being SA - I wanted to suck the words back out of the air and wipe his mind clean - not leave a trace - it was really painful for me to talk about it - the little I did - I dont have a lot of memories - the things is next time when I saw T and realised he hadnt changed how he treated me - that he didnt think it was my fault - that I didnt cease to exist - that the world didnt stop turning for me it did start to get better - yes it affects your past and your present - but working with T can help you stop it from affecting your future

Sorry for the long reply

I wanted to do the same thing - erase the words that were spoken and start again...and not share the SA details with T.....But I guess that can't happen. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face T again....I feel so...I don't know....ashamed.

And please don't apologize for a long reply....I look forward to reading feedback from others...it's what's keeping me going right now.

[Miri]

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and even more sad that it is hurting you again. It's good that you are talking and getting out of your mind and body. Purge - it's the only way. (and I mean purge the memories, not nourishment to your precious body)

[Sannah]

ME, you are on your way to healing. I am so sorry that that happened to you. You are very brave............... And you will work through this..........

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

ME, you are on your way to healing. I am so sorry that that happened to you. You are very brave............... And you will work through this..........

If this is the way to healing, it really sucks....

I don't feel brave. I feel like a wimp...making a mountain out of a molehill...and I hate the word VICTIM.....

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I wanted to do the same thing - erase the words that were spoken and start again...and not share the SA details with T.....But I guess that can't happen. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face T again....I feel so...I don't know....ashamed.

that is how I felt - I thought he would loo at me with disgust, that our realtionship would change and he would be distant - would judge me - or accuse me of not doing anything to stop it - he didnt - he was stil the same T bless him your T will be the same - you did nothing wrong - that creep did wrong not you - it does start to get better - really it does - it take time grr - hate that word! hang in there - pm me if I can help
or you just need to talk