[googley]

Later tonight I am going to a group discussion in my community about forgiveness. I find that while I wish that I could forgive the people that abused me, there is at this point no way for that to happen.
I have two major things
1. My parents reject the idea that they did anything wrong. My dad says I just need to forgive and forget (he is really big on the forgetting part.) And that there is no reason for me to by angry. My mom still thinks she hasn't done anything wrong.
2. I don't know that I can ever forgive the guy who attacked me as I will never know who he is.

Does forgiveness require some recognition on the part of the person who did the harm that they were at least in some way at fault? If they continue to pretend that nothing happened am I obligated to forgive them? Some people say that forgiving will make you feel better, but I feel that it is too often seen as then forgetting and pretending that nothing ever happened in the first place. I don't see why I should have to forgive them for hurting me when they will not take any responsibility for their actions. If I could just cut them out of my life forever I would, but at this point I still have financial connections to my parents in the form of paying back loans. I hate it when they call and expect me to want to talk to them even when I am busy or doing something else. I don't care if they don't like the new boundary system. Too bad for them. They were the ones who destroyed the last one, so now they get no say.

Okay, I guess that is my rant for the day.

[Rapunzel]

Forgiving people who wronged you is very hard, and even more so when they show no sign of recognition that they did wrong and hurt you, or of making amends.

Part of the process is working through what happened, and how it affected you, and that it was real, and that you were hurt, and you have good reason for your anger and pain. That would be a lot easier if they showed remorse and made amends, but the facts of life are that we can't control what other people do. You don't have to let them keep you from working through what you need to and letting go.

After you do the processing that you need to, either with them or without them, then forgiveness is important. Not so much for them, as for you. Not because they deserve it, but because you don't deserve to keep carrying around the hurt and anger after it serves its purpose (telling you that something happened that should not have happened). You're not obligated to forgive them, but, ultimately, you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to move on with your life and not let this keep hurting you.

[Kiya]

It seems you have several issues going on here. Like you said, you may never know who attacked you. Forgiveness is always your choice - but ultimately if you can forgive, that is what frees you from your attacker. Until then you are bound by your thoughts, fears, and so on. Just the words won't cut it. It has to be released from your heart (so YOU can be free- - not so your attacker can rest at ease; they likely won't even know).

As for your parents, there is much at work here - you're angry with them for something, they're not respecting boundaries or your emotions, feelings, thoughts. So there is the work around forgiving them, but also the work around them treating you with respect and not in further abusive ways. Of course forgiveness for them cannot come before the respect - that would be putting the cart before the horse. And they may never change. I too had to walk away from mine - but I couldn't until the financial ties were cut. That is a challenge.

I have not yet been able to forgive my abusers. I have been "on the fence" about it lately though - since not only am i getting dreams with my abusers in them every night, but I am also in a leadership, justice, and forgiveness class and having to face these issues head on. One of my abusers, i had been trying to forgive for the better part of 20 years (the lesser abuser of the 7) and still I have not. But, a step in that direction is that I no longer HATE her *all* the time. Sometimes i even have pity and sometimes compassion for her. It is a process and each of us can only go at our own rate.... best to you...
Kiya

[chaotic13]

I think one key thing in the concept of forgiveness is that to forgive some is: not to forget what they've done, not telling yourself or them that it was OK, it not telling yourself that you can't be angry and hurt about it anymore, and its not about making yourself treat them nicely if you see them again.

To me forgiveness is about relieving yourself of the burden of trying to make them pay on a (moral/personal level) for what they've done to you. It is when we decide to let our Higher Power handle things-- judging the crime and rendering the deeper punishment for us. When I say that I'm not talking about giving up pursuing legal or criminal, I think that is something totally different. I think forgiveness comes into play when we are dealing with things, that...there is no man-made law severe enough to match the crime. Its the point we decide...let this issue be handled in the Highest court, I just need to worry about me now.

[Sannah]

Maybe what bothers you most about your parents is how you interact with them today??????????