This is depressing.

Well everything is all good for the moment, went to a concert I enjoyed and all is well externally in life for now. But realistically I feel I have no hope of developing any social life...I mean luckily I get along with my brother pretty well so me and him hang out rather often but that's not the same as having friends, and sometimes I feel like it would be better if sometimes I had my own friends or acquaintances to go hang out with or talk to instead of relying on when he has time I have met quite a few people he knows but its still like I wouldn't do that if I wasn't accompanying him somewhere with people. I could try to try and spend more time with my sister but she's always busy and I'm worried I'd just be boring...if she did have free time. I am on SSI and do not have a volunteer position or a hobby/activity that really takes up time so admittedly I have a lot of time of being alone to contemplate since everyone I know has jobs, school or both.

I have had a few failed short term relationships, always assume something about me is off-putting except a couple where its somewhat likely they where more using me and I was to naive to actually see that for a while but aside from that seems it's likely I fail at such things. I really enjoy music, I try to distract myself from overanalizing all this crap with watching movies, listening to music, playing computer/video games....walking around outside and when I can afford it maybe go to a concert or movie or something....but that stuff ends up being more short lived than I'd like it to be Of course sometimes the crushing depression just makes it impossible might decide on something to do and just sit there and feel like crap hoping it would end/feeling like there is no change of improvement or satisfaction with life complete with suicidal ideation at least lately when this happens I can't be bothered to act on any of those thoughts...would take too much effort.

I am in therapy to help with the PTSD though its not like they therapist just ignores the depression or other things either but specializes in the trauma aspect...and I really don't buy that its going to help, more nervous it will just bring out more symptoms or trigger already existing ones to a more extreme degree...also don't like the idea of the change of being triggerred during therapy to be seen that way by anyone including a therapist. Don't really want to 're-process' things from the past that make me feel horrible but don't want to just cut off the therapy after already getting to the point they even brought up attempting that soon, but I am worried it will just further depress me. Not sure quite where I am going with this suppose just curious how long one can go on like that.....for now not going out of my way to tell anyone IRL, but it gets exhausting faking that everything's fine, but also the stress of people worrying would also be exhausting.