[Stronger]

My good friend Ed has returned and I've been fighting hard lately to keep afloat with it all. But I realized just recently that my eating disorder has basically nothing to do with food.

It feels like I'm slowly wasting away on the inside. And nothing can stop it. That's why I'm holding onto my eating disorder so closely. My inside and my outside have to match or else no one will understand that I'm STILL slowly wasting away. So says Ed. Even after all these years of treatment for the same problem.
Frankly I thought I was done with Ed years ago. Why do I feel like this is the only way to cry out for help?! The only way to make the people in my life actually understand what I'm going through??

I mean, granted, I've only been on 9 antidepressants over the years, so there are still plenty more out there to try (except not thanks to my body)...

When everything else fails in treating your depression, where do you go? What do you turn to?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Stronger: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[Fizzyo]

(((((((Stronger)))))))
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I don't have easy answers (and maybe not even hard ones) just keep on keeping on as best as I can.

Sending hugs and caring thoughts and prayers.

[Fuzzybear]

[runningonresilience]

Hi Stronger,

I wanted to reach out because I'm in an uncannily similar situation. I've struggled with anorexia and major depression for 11 years and have been in and out of treatment centers and hospitals for most of them. I'm 6 months into a shaky recovery with my ed but got beaten down two months ago by a horrendous depressive episode. My team and I were shocked to see just how bad my depression was on its own and I realized that I had been medicating my depression all of these years by starving and purging. I was hospitalized two weeks ago and it only made me worse. I stopped eating there simply out of desperation to feel better. Since I've been home its been such a struggle not to turn back to anorexia. But I have to remind myself that while starving or purging feeling makes them disappear in the short-term, it actually just makes the whole situation, physically & mentally, worse and more complicated. I've been on 12 different meds over the years and nothing helps, so I get that it makes you even more desperate for something to turn to.

So I clearly don't have the answer for you, but it's so important to try and turn to ed as little as possible. I feel for you and am wishing you strength and resilience.

Thinking of you xo