[unhappydaze]

I've tried participating here before but could never get past the feeling of being lost in the crowd. There are so many others here who are known and recognized and get hugs and so forth. I'll never be one of those, just the anonymous lurker.

I don't expect anyone to have an answer. I've been through all the meds and the major therapies and ECT. It's treatment resistant and that's that.

For several years I've been trying to adjust to the fact that it's the "new normal," but no matter how hard I try to convince myself that that's okay, the feeling never lasts for long. Within an hour or a day or two I'm always back to talking myself out of ending this. Every ten minutes or hour or two it pops into my mind unbidden and I have to consciously fight it off.

It's exhausting. For a while I held out hope that if I held on long enough things would get better. It's what everyone and every book tells me. But it's not true. Not for all people. I've been lied to so much - including by myself - that I no longer believe it. I have come to view "it gets better" as propaganda, a delusion. It's just a thing people say. Most of them have no idea what they're talking about. I don't blame them - how could they say otherwise? It would be cruel and unethical not to lie to us.

I have no evidence to suggest it will get better. I keep telling myself, if this is how it has to be, well, better to curl up in a corner and cringe for the rest of my natural life than to inflict on others the pain that would ensue if I were to exit by my own hand. The sum total of all pain I could possibly feel over the next 20 or 30 years is as nothing compared to the pain so many others would feel, and for far longer, were I to leave.

So far that has kept me from taking the last step. For several years now I've held on by keeping that thought in mind, but it increasingly seems to be a delusion. My confidence and my strength are eroding, and I worry about waking up one day soon and finding I can no longer endure.

As I said, I realize no one has the answer and I'm not expecting anyone here to have one. I don't expect anything out of this. It struck me just now that if maybe somebody else who's in the same situation reads this and realizes he or she isn't alone, then maybe that's enough.

[mindwrench]

I hope you keep posting. I understand forging ahead for those you love, and those who depend on you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello unhappydaze: The Skeezyks also just keeps putting one foot in front of the other for the same reasons you're doing so. I also have the repetitive suicidal thoughts. (I've actually made a couple of efforts in that direction.) The good thing in my case is I'm getting older now. So I don't have 20 or 30 years left to worry about getting through. I figure I might have another 10 at the outside.

I believe you're correct about some things just not getting better. I know, in my own case, nothing of substance is going to change. Everything simply is what it is. So I simply strive to accept things just as they are. There was a time, just a few years ago, when I felt like I just couldn't stand any of it another minute. (It led to my most recent, & most serious do-it-yourself effort.) But more recently I've simply come to a place where I'm just content to leave things to Mother Nature to resolve.

By the way, the Skeezyks seldom posts threads of his own either. I live a pretty-much reclusive lifestyle in real life. And it carries over to how I conduct myself here on PC. It's possible to be very active here without ever posting threads of one's own.

[Fizzyo]

Hey Unhappydaze,
I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling so much, mixed with pleasure to see you post again. I only wish life wasn't such an agonising struggle for you.

You were so kind to me when I was saying many of the thoughts you have expressed here, especially the despair at realising that "this is the new normal".

I have had a couple of months feeling more of a purpose to life (even if it's less painful). I have been able to support someone (much younger than me) through some difficult times which I could never have done without the life experience and issues I have.
I had felt I was at the end of the line and no use to anyone or the world at large.

This doesn't take the pain away for me but if I can feel I have helped one person it helps me feel it is a little more worth living the darkness.

I'm not saying you will do the same, but something may or may not crop up which helps you feel you have something to offer. (I hope it does).

You have helped me Unhappydaze and For that I am grateful.

This isn't as active as the main depression forum, so every response here is probably worth two or three elsewhere.

I respect you for hanging on for the sake of those around you. It shows a strong and caring nature.

I really hope that some of those thoughts and temptations and the terrible feelings that go with them will at least go more into the back of your mind (rather than the front where they are so much now) so you can feel less exhausted and a little stronger.

[Fuzzybear]

[Yours_Truly]

(((((unhappydaze))))) and

[reggiegirl]

Hi unhappydaze. I also feel that I'm mostly hanging on for family members who need me. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone and I hope I can be here for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[katonalim]

I do not come on to this site very often at all unhappy daze - I try not to feel alone and lost most days - it is very hard to face each day when I feel that "this" is as good as it gets - I try to be mindful and look for something positive each day, even if it just the way my toothpaste lines up on my toothbrush - thank you for sharing your feelings.

[Fizzyo]

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[eyesclosed]

ihave recently joined u in your misery and i am about ready to just let it be if i fight it gets worse I sit in the dark and stare one thing u mightwant to get a pet i have a dog he makes me move but i feel sorry for him he will sense the depression and i think he is depressed now too because of me eyesclosed