[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Lately I have been so insecure. About 5 years ago I was anorexic. I was 40 pounds underweight and had had and ED pretty much all my life. I got on birth control when I was 17 and started gaining weight. I gained over 100 pounds and started hating the way I looked. About a year and a half ago I went through a mental break down pretty much and my ED came back with something fierce. I was going down the entire chain of EDs and lost a lot of weight and very quickly. I had a nearly 9 pound baby right before this btw. I ended up loosing 80 pounds within a 5 month period. I ended up getting help for it when it nearly killed me.

With the weight loss and the pregnancy, my body is no longer the pretty thing it once was. I have so much skin and so many stretch marks and hair. These things make me feel so terrible about myself. To the point where I wont let my boyfriend (who I am sexually active with) touch or even see anything, including just my stomach, under the shirt. I have a really pretty face when I am wearing makeup, and I feel like I am a liar. Like my boyfriend got suckered into this relationship by my face and didn't know the reality of my disgust.

The thing is though, I don't just think it's ugly. I feel like a man now and I hate it. I'm always feeling so masculine. It started with the stomach, mine reminds me of a man I saw on TV after loosing a lot of weight like me. I started feeling masculine only when I had my shirt off, was in a bathingsuit or something. Now it has me second guessing everything about myself.

I'm afraid I walk masculine, I talk like a man, I act like a man, I have the touch of a man and all. I'm already 5foot 9 inches so I am a bigger girl in the height range, and that also has made me feel insecure with myself.

If I was to be labeled as anything I would be a "girly girl". I am very proper, I don't like getting dirty, I like to clean and cook, I wear a lot of bright colors and pinks, I am 100% femanine mentally but physically I feel so masculine. I hate it.

I'm sorry to write this long post and complain the whole time, I don't have a t anymore and I just need to talk to someone. And I need some advice, I can't just keep feeling like a man. I hate it, it really impacts my life. It literally effects my every day routines now. I'm afraid to even look for a job right now because I'm looking for a serving job and am afraid to fill out the applications because I don't want the employers to tell me no because I was so masculine.

That is really how I feel for some reason. I need a job so I have gone in and faced my fear, but some days I let the fear take over and just couldn't go through with it. How do I get over this? How do I love myself again and how do I feel like a woman again?!

[Shangrala]

PFM~

I can relate to some of how you feel.
Throughout my youth, and still to this day, I have always been the tomboy. I was never into the Barbie, pink or girly scene. Yet, I've remained quite feminine throughout. I am masculine in my own right..but that's just how I am...how I've always been. And I like it because (IMO) it's a trait that has then (and still does) carried me through situations that my "more feminine" friends had succumbed to.
My entire life of working, I've chosen the "men's" work. Its what I love to do. And the more physical, the better...it's what maintained my shape over the years and kept me from "stiffening up" (lol) in my later years. If I could now, I'd certainly choose a physical labor job...but I can't anymore...bod won't allow.. Wahhhh! But that doesn't stop me from being as physical as I can be.
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling a bit more masculine just because you are a woman. It's who you are, maybe ? You can certainly use that to your advantage.

I was very overweight in my youth and up into my teens. Lost my weight very rapidly. Later in my years had a baby and lost that weight rapidly as well. Although I'm presently 25 pounds underweight, I have my share of excess skin that I'm not thrilled with, either. Gravity, aging, pregnancy &/or excessive weight gain then loss all plays a direct role in the alteration of the body.

I know how you feel about self-confidence (or lack of) regarding appearance though. But try not to assume that because the way you feel about yourself is how your love feels about you..Chances are that he views you in an entirely different sight?

Maybe try talking to your love....express to him your feelings about your insecurities? Chances are you may discover that he feels differenly?

I hope this has helped you....some.

Take care~

Shangrala

[Locust]

Purple,

I am sorry that you feel so poorly. First off, I want you to know that it is very normal for people- esp. women, I think- to have issues with their bodies. We are often our own worst critics, though. And you are most definitely a woman. One of my goodn friends often feels masculine, too, but she isn't. I know what you mean when you say, "I feel like I am a liar. Like my boyfriend got suckered into this relationship by my face and didn't know the reality of my disgust." I feel that way sometimes. Not about my face. But I have felt like a liar before when starting a relationship, because I felt like the poor guy had no idea what lurked beneath my clothes. I also feel like a liar because of my foundation that hides my bad skin.

It is natural for a woman's body to change from pregnancy, but it doesn't mean you are no longer attractive or feminine. What could be more feminine than stretch marks? Society has taught us that we must measure up to some odd idea of perfection. The truth is, almost every woman I know has stretch marks- even if she has never had a child! Most women get stretch marks when pregnant. Also, many women get stretch marks from gaining weight, losing weight, and from puberty when they grow breasts and hips rapidly. I have had stretch marks ever since I hit puberty, as did many of my friends. And some of us weren't big girls, but we just got chests and hips fast. Men get stretch marks, too, but I think, due to the hips and breasts of puberty and due to pregnancy, women are much more likely to get stretch marks than men. It is a very womanly thing, even if we have been taught to hate them.

You said you have a lot of excess skin (from the rapid weight loss, right?). You said you started feeling masculine when you realized your stomach reminded you of a man you saw on TV after he had lost a lot of weight like you had. I think you find it masculine because you saw it on a male, but females and males can have some similar traits that are neither masculine nor feminine and this is one of them. It happens to a lot of people who lose weight rapidly or who lose a lot of weight. If you are concerned about it, you could see a dr. and see if they think it is more of an issue of you being obsessive about it (no offense, but I mention this since you do have body image issues, as evident by the ED, and the way you talk about being masculine indicates obssesive thought- I used to have OCD, so not judging) or if they think you really do have a lot of excess skin. If it is an obsessive issue, having it surgically altered will not bring you relief at all, and will only waste money and cause you dangerous risks. However, if it truly is an issue due to the weight loss, perhaps you can save up money to have the excess skin removed, but you will have scarring.

About the hair- hair is feminine. We've been taught to think it isn't, but it is. We naturally have pubic, leg, and underarm hair, for example. I even have a few stray hairs between my navel and crotch area. I actually like pubic hair, and many men do, too. I even know a guy who likes underarm hair. If it really bothers you, though, it is easy to get rid of.

As for being tall, models are tall! They want runway models to be tall. You shouldn't have to feel insecure about your height. Besides, it's not as unusual as people make it out to be, to be tall. I am not tall, but growing up, three of my female friends were about 6 feet tall in middle school and freshman year of highschool.

You say you are sexually active with your boyfriend, but will not let him see or touch you. I can understand hiding things. I sometimes try to avoid certain positions so that guys can't see my flaws, but I think the truth is, men don't see our flaws as much as we do, and they love it when we are more uninhibited in bed. That is a turn on. Seeing us naked is a turn on. Getting to touch us is a turn on.

You should definitely try to talk this out with your lover. I am sorry you feel down on yourself right now. I hope you feel better.