whats wrong with me?

I am a stay at home mom.I have these huge fights with my 13 year old child.usually its over him not taking a thorough shower,maybe not brushing his teeth enough...not washing his face after coming back from school. these fights are horrible i end up shouting my lungs out... .I end up feeling guilty that i shouted and now the neighbours must think what a bad parent i am.i feel lousy for .i am almost obsessed about what others think of me with me shouting all the time.After one of these outbursts in my home i dont like to venture out.if i see people then i keep wondering if they are talking and judging me.how can i control myself?

Understand that you and your son are different people with different personalities, sometimes they clash - ESPECIALLY when teenagers are involved. Remember when he was a toddler and he was probably beginning to test his boundaries? You would say "Don't sit in that puddle" but he didn't see anything wrong with it and wondered what would happen, so he did.
This happens again now as he starts embarking on a new point in life. There's nothing wrong with you, you are just looking out for your baby. Is there another way you can approach this with him? If he's not responding to yelling what else can you try?

What's the worst thing that would happen if you didn't walk him through these things? I'm not saying they aren't important, but put the responsibility on him, at 13, he can handle it. Tell him, "you are getting older so I think it's time that you start making responsible choices. I'm not going to tell you to when to brush your teeth, but if you don't you may get cavities and you will have to use your allowance to help pay fort he filling". Maybe he'll go to school smelly and his friends won't hang out with him that day. That might upset him enough to show him why you are asking him to do it.

Hi moviebuff,
I am a stay at home stepmom of an 11 year old girl. I go through the same things. I constantly get on her to brush her teeth, but if i don't , she will not do it on her own. My husband and I have started taking away snacks when she forgets. She loves her food! It's a constant battle with her for everything. This year, I have my husband at home to help me, so I try to put it on him, since it is HIS daughter. Last year, I was so nasty and loud while my husband was at work, I could just imagine what the neighbors thought! I never had control over myself. I threw her wagon off the front porch once. Boy, did I feel like a jerk afterwards.I did alot of crazy stuff. Therapy and meds helped! I'm bipolar though. But we do it because we care, and want them to be perfect kids. But they are just kids. We need to chill out and let them be kids. I decided I am going to be the fun stepmom instead of the mean old wicked stepmother that I am. Her real mom don't give a crap. So, let her dad do the disciplining, and i will have fun with her, cuz right now I'm the only one who cares, and she's not even my kid. Go figure.

I'm not a mom, but I can re-call when I was teenage, my mom and I would fight alot, like curfews, cleaning up after myself in the bathroom, cleaning my room, etc. Especially when dealing with teenagers, sometimes parents need to be gently reminded that the teen is going through a rough emotional period. and the teenager needs to be reminded the parent is going through a hard time letting their son or daughter be more independent.
I do agree with the previous post that everyone has their own personality. and teens are just starting to figure out that they have their own mind-which means own opinions, etc. and sometimes teens take advantage of that and run with it:they'll argue anything they can (I know I took advantage of it with my parents, just for the sake of voicing a different opinion, because I could.)
Try not to worry about about your neighbors think: they are not living in your house, they have no idea what goes on and your parenting style and your kids are not their business (unless safety issues are a concern). Just keep in mind that what matters is the opinions inside your family.

Hi ~ I have to agree with tsol25. Just lighten up on him -- it won't kill him if he doesn't wash his face after school, etc. He's at the age where cleanliness isn't first on his list -- he couldn't care less. But it won't be long before he'll start spending more time in the bathroom than YOU. LOL Girls will become very important to him, and you'll see him primping all the time. LOL This happened with my son -- it was almost overnight!

Give yourself a break --- let HIM take the responsibility. It's time he learned -- maybe people will start avoiding him if he smells bad! LOL Then he'll change his tune. Besides, you need the mental rest. Don't worry what others think. God bless & take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Sending you support, moviebuff.
Remember people mostly think about themselves.
If they are being judgemental who cares, they shouldn't be judging you when they don't really know you.

Sometimes the loudest sound in the world is silence.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with you. You are important.

This is great advice! I had lots of issues when my daughter was a teenager IT WAS SO HARD. I tried to choose my battles, but believe me it wasn't easy. Everyday i told her i loved her no matter what..and i tried to find something everyday to compliment her on, especially when she did her chores or her homework. I used to cry about her a lot, despairing about her future. She's 23 now and we are very close, i think she remembered me saying "i'll always be here for u" and i tried not to judge her. And also remember, it doesn't matter what other people think of u, only what your children think of u. And by the way, my son also started really taking care of his appearance once he noticed girls, its true!!! Goodluck in the teenage minefield i wish u well, u WILL survive!

I am coming from the child's side, because my mom yelled at me a lot for the littles things. and let me tell you- yelling at him will not solve anything. People shut down when they are yelled at. Do you really think he's listening to you through all that? That he will suddenly have a change of heart? Or do you want him to be scared into doing it? Simply tell him the consequences of not doing it (ie. you can't sit at the table and eat dinner if you don't wash up) and let them deal with the responsibility.