[JLG13]

A little about me 36 years old, married, not successful, not extraordinary, just me. I need some advice on the challenges I'm facing right now. Trying to cope with too much. I'm pregnant with twins, 14 weeks and since I found out I can't cope. This is my first pregnancy. I had a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy in my prior marriage.
I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful. I know there are so many women out there that would give anything to be pregnant and can't. I'm afraid I've bitten off more than I can chew. I'm afraid my husband has no idea how much he is going to have to give up or do to make this work. We both are older but yet have so much growing up to do. Everyday I wake up with fear and I get stuck in dark thoughts. Everything is negative. I have no hope anything is going to go right and so far things haven't gone right. I can't function. My job has cut my hours due to my inability to focus or get a grip. My independence is being ripped away from me. I'm vulnerable and trust no one except myself. I can hardly trust myself because I'm such a mess right now. I can't sleep. When I go to sleep at night I wake up after 3 or 4 hours in absolute panic. Then I obsess for an hour and sleep for an hour on and off with the same pattern, panic, obsess, panic, obsess. My days start around 5am. I wake my husband to try and calm me and he is so exhausted from this his patience is fading. When he leaves to work I curl up on the couch in multiple blankets and only get up to eat or use the restroom until he gets home at 5pm. I'm in misery and feel like I am not worthy of this pregnancy. I'm doing terrible and not even a mother yet. This is too much for me to handle. I'm failing already.
All this depression, anxiety, and obsessive behavior. I am 14 weeks pregnant and the issues I'm having are interfering with my daily living, A little about me 36 years old, married girl, not successful, not extraordinary, just me. Hoping to get some advice on the challenges I'm facing right now. Trying to cope with too much. I'm pregnant with twins, 14 weeks and since I found out I can't cope. This is my first pregnancy. I had a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy in my prior marriage.
I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful. I know there are so many women out there that would give anything to be pregnant and can't. I'm afraid I've bitten off more than I can chew. I'm afraid my husband has no idea how much he is going to have to give up or do to make this work. We both are older but yet have so much growing up to do. Everyday I wake up with fear and I get stuck in dark thoughts. Everything is negative. I have no hope anything is going to go right and so far things haven't gone right. I can't function. My job has cut my hours due to my inability to focus or get a grip. My independence is being ripped away from me. I'm vulnerable and trust no one except myself. I can hardly trust myself because I'm such a mess right now. I can't sleep. When I go to sleep at night I wake up after 3 or 4 hours in absolute panic. Then I obsess for an hour and sleep for an hour on and off with the same pattern, panic, obsess, panic, obsess. My days start around 5am. I wake my husband to try and calm me and he is so exhausted from this his patience is fading. When he leaves to work I curl up on the couch in multiple blankets and only get up to eat or use the restroom until he gets home at 5pm. I'm in misery and feel like I am not worthy of this pregnancy. I'm doing terrible and not even a mother yet. This is too much for me to handle. I'm failing already.
All this depression, anxiety, and obsessive behavior is ripping me apart.
I already had an appt 2 weeks ago and my husband and I did not feel comfortable with the therapist. My ob referred us to him because He knows I'm struggling since I got off my meds. He put me back on a low dose of zoloft and suggested I go see a therapist. I did and the therapist sucked. Instead of listening to me and my husband he gave us a seminar like lecture on anxiety and depression. It was like he was auditioning and wanted to impress us with his knowledge. We left feeling worse then when we went in. There was no advice to either of us on how to cope.
I have an appointment with a new therapist/dr in a cpl days. I'm worried. This has lasted for over a month & 1/2. I think I might need to file for disability because my husband's income is not enough for us to live and the last time I was like this it took me over 2 years to recover. I need a strategy or plan. I don't know where to start. Please tell me what to do.

[kaliope]

so I am assuming that you have mental health issues for which you take meds that you had to stop due to the pregnancy? and now you are having difficulties maintaining your mood without your meds? that is difficult to manage when it is a chemical inbalance. one of the techniques I use is just pretending that I am being overwhelmed by a wave in the ocean, I feel like I am drowning, but I know that wave is going to recede and I will be ok again. I also tell myself I know it all isn't really real, that is is the chemicals in my brain and I just can fall victim to it. just have to keep telling myself it isn't what it seems. its hard but I just find a way not to get lost to it.

Hi....
I have never been pregnant with twins, so I can't relate there, but I do know that pregnancy can do some very odd things to us emotionally...
I had a friend who, when she found out she was having twins, burst into tears....not happy tears. Of course it's difficult, but she can't imagine her life without them.

And an advantage that you have is that you don't have the experience of having just one. You won't find things to be TWICE as hard because you won't know any different. Small comfort, I'm sure...

Perhaps you could actually print out what you have described and send it to your therapist ahead of time (or take it with you). That way, you won't have to sit through any sales pitch. He will know what you're aware of and can come up with a plan of attack with you. I think that's what you need. Someone to guide you and reassure you that it will be okay.
And if it's not okay, then they will take care of it.....

Hang in there and if this therapist isn't a good fit, then see another one until you're comfortable.

As far as money goes, then do what you have to do. File for disability. You have paid for it and so you are entitled to it.

Just breathe and stay on that couch for a couple of more days. This experience does not automatically mean a repeat of the last one.

[JLG13]

Thank you for your advice. I am going to a therapist tomorrow and hope to explain myself to where she can help me. Another restless day full of worry. Please pray for me.

[hamster-bamster]

The proselytizing therapist... how awful. And you had to pay money for it... oh my.

I have not had twins, but I know a ton of people who do, because where I live women tend to delay pregnancy.

So - this is from second hand knowledge, but still.

1) support groups for moms carrying twins

I cannot stress this enough. This is more important than therapy, especially the kind of lecturing "therapy" you received.

2) Stop waking up your H because it is a recipe for disaster. You are not getting that much help from having him awake, but his sanity is waning. The cost of your waking him up is FAR bigger than the benefit you are receiving, so please stop. Plus, you need him functioning as you might have to apply for short term disability. Plus, you need him awake for when the twins arrive.

[hamster-bamster]

So I looked up your location. Not a big city. So I assume you do not have specialized resources. Let me list resources available in my area just so that you know what exists in theory, and maybe you can ask the therapist or ob-gyn for referrals.

We have support groups and meetups and mailing lists for moms expecting twins and moms of twins.

We have a resource center for all things pregnancy (not just pregnancy w/multiples) that offers doula referrals, prenatal yoga, yoga with a baby (unsure about twins for this one), a resource library, and a gazillion other things - a one place shopping for your needs.

We have therapists who specialize in treating women or couples dealing with the stress and sorrow of infertility - a lot of those. I imagine that a niche has been carved out for therapeutic support of women carrying multiples.

We have professional lactation consultants and lay groups, such as La Leche League (and many more).

We have aqua aerobics for pregnant women.

We have those workshops where pregnant women can make a cast of their belly (obviously, not at 14 weeks).

We have a whole lot of photographers offering prenatal sessions, both clothed and artistic nudity.

So clearly you do not have as many resources available, but maybe you have some - it won't hurt to ask.

Walking outside instead of waiting for your H to return being curled up on a sofa is a must. If you like swimming, that would help tremendously. Just leisurely breaststroke swimming or swimming on your back - you are not training for the Olympics yet.

But most importantly, get support, and if there are no support groups in your area due to its small size, sign up for an online support group that specifically addresses the needs of older women pregnant with twins - I am positive that there are enough of them around.

[JLG13]

I can't tell you all how much your advice and words are helping me. I don't feel so alone. Please keep chatting with me. I really can't thank you enough.

I would like to add what I learned. It's all hindsight, having been pregnant four times.

I wish I would have given myself a break. I tried too hard to be the same as I was before. And when I wasn't, I beat myself up for it. I didn't reach out, or ask for physical help, or let anyone see me cry. But I should have.

I think we all want to give the impression of happiness. Especially when we're pregnant.

Whatever you feel, it's okay to feel that way. This is not some failing of yours. Pregnancy literally takes over and it affects all women to varying degrees.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to have it affect them positively. And, to be honest, your feelings may roller-coaster all over the place.
And that's okay, too. It's not your fault.

[hamster-bamster]

You are most welcome. Look -

- one of my best friends from adolescence had twins AS A WIDOW - her husband had a sudden heart attack when she was 7 months pregnant. Twin boys, doing well, knock on wood.

- my T had twins at exactly your age - twin boys, doing well, knock on wood.

- a friend of mine has an older daughter (she just graduated from college) who was a single birth and a set of high school age twin girls. The twin girls were born quite prematurely, and my friend decided to stay home with them because they needed extra care. They are doing just fine - they are very petite and look fragile, but in reality they are not fragile - they compete in track meets (the same body traits that make them look petite make them nimble and fast). I have a friend whose twin daughters, now in their 30s (and one of them pregnant) were born as big each as a single birth child, so having twins does not necessarily mean having low birth babies.

And I know people with boy-girl non-identical twins. There are so many twins around that it is the new norm. I think for you this trend means that companies cater to parents of twins so it must be easier to find products than used to be the case when twins were exceptions.

[Petra5ed]

Hi - I'm in the same boat as you, 17 weeks pregnant now with my first, in my 30s, married, overwhelmed!! I was on meds and cut them all cold turkey, I think this wasn't good for my brain chemistry. Also finding it hard to focus at work. The physical changes are bad enough but add to that whacky hormones, forgetfulness, cold turkey quitting of depression meds. I've been fortunate to have a great therapist prior to becoming pregnant. He's helped me a lot.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat, would love to discuss juggling pregnancy and depression. Other than that my only advice is to keep fighting, you need to get out of the house or you'll go crazy, maybe go for walks, whatever it takes.