[Aoikaze]

I'm having a little bit of a hard time being drastically underemployed. Let me explain for a moment:

I used to own my own business at which I was a moderate success. Nothing fancy, but my bills got paid and we'd moved up in the world. It was a small contracting business, and my clients were very loyal. I prided myself on providing the best service and worked hard at giving my clients what they wanted, not what I thought they needed. There is a difference.

My wife has been ill for a long time. My son has different needs. While I was worrying about the needs of my clients, things fell apart. I wasn't serving my own needs either. It didn't take long for everything to come crashing down. I was successful for 5 years, and grew substantially. Then plummeted for 2 years.

I still have clients that are willing to be loyal, but I simply can't afford the time away from my family, or the extra stress. At 34 I had my first heart attack.

I now work for a quarter over minimum wage in a fast food restaurant and attend school part time. I'm working on two books right now, with a third coming up after I complete my revisions of what I've got going on now.

Every time I go to work, in the back of my mind I feel nauseated by what I've become, and what I have to do to survive. I'm capable of quite a lot more than my job asks of me, and feel I deserve much more pay than my situation is possible in my present position. I find myself dreading it simply because I feel my time is better spent working on projects that will make some social difference.

I've taken to being the emotional repository for my mates at work to express my potential, and I'm worried that this is inappropriate, and dangerous. It doesn't help that I'm so damned lonely. I'm worried that playing that role will have financial and relationship repercussions, particularly because my wife is not only ill, but shows borderline patterns when she feels threatened.

I find myself enjoying the interaction, but detesting it also. None of it is on an equal level, or even transactional in that it's a fair exchange. I'm so much older, and have drastically fewer adjustment problems that I'm afraid I'm, in a sense, taking on more children.

I'm hoping to re-establish work history and move forward from there, but I'm not sure how long I can manage excellence in a limited scope, my responsibilities at home, and my (mostly self-imposed) social responsibilities, and my personal needs.

That's the gist of it: I feel both drastically underemployed, and overwhelmed at the same time. I'm afraid I'll screw things up and have to restart all over again somewhere else and again try to re-establish a work history that a decent employer can verify.

[Dan12345]

Just reading what you put, it sounds like you had a great business, can you employ someone to run parts of the business to relieve yourself? Im looking at starting my own business but the stress is a major factor tbh. You need to forefill your potential you only live once brothet lifes what you make it.

Dan

[Aoikaze]

I thought of that, but (if you can't tell) I'm a workaholic. It's hard for me to accept less of anything that I put my name on, which I would have to do to allow another individual to share the responsibility of running that business. The product would invariably be less than what I expected which I know from experience. It takes years to train an individual with the interpersonal skills and motivation to make it work. The actual labor is of comparatively little importance.

I think, for the most part, I'm simply unhappy with my progress thus far down this different road I'm on. I don't think I'm being patient enough, or applying myself dutifully enough to the areas that can support a sense of accomplishment. When you're taking care of a spouse that is going to die soon it's easy to get wrapped up in a fatalistic sense of worth: nothing I do seems to change things because she's still going to die. I can only prolong, and qualitatively change that experience.

The same is true for caring for my son. The road is long and little steps forward are so often accompanied by what feels like big steps backwards.

I just have to learn to accept my job as simply a job and not a part of my identity. I need to work on approaching my potential in ways that are appropriately adaptive to my situation and support rather than detract from my financial success.

I very much appreciate the thought, though. Thanks for being supportive. I do appreciate it.

[Dan12345]

No problems at all i admire you, if you need to vent you know im here.

[gma45]

Sounds like the caregiver may need some care. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes small accomplishments have more of an impact than the large ones on ones life. I wish you well.