[lightinthesky]

I am not sure where to post it but I will give it a try. .after a break up with my boyfriend (he ended it) I started feeling really bad about myself, I keep comparing my life with his, he was out of a rehab 6 months ago, he moved to London where he is from and now his life is going up and up and up, he got a really good job and he is doing sports, he has many new friends etc. I feel really bad about myself, feel like I can not do anything without him, I am 21 and I work at the bar, I live in Ireland and it is very hard to live here, I did office administration and marketing diploma but so far it doesn't help me, I want to start studying again in September but nothing interests me.. I feel very bad about myself, about my life, feel like I am not good enough, like his life got so much better now that I am not in his life, I want to become a better person, I want to love myself again and I want to move forward but now I feel like I am standing steel being all sad and pathetic, please someone help me, please.

[HockingPastryChef]

Here is a website I recommend:

Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

Plus you are you. Nobody is better than anyone. We all have our own weaknesses and strengths; you need to accept them.

Take your time to become self-aware and write out your weaknesses and strengths and your likes and dislikes. It helps quite a bit so you can be more aware on what you need to strengthen and know what you are good at and can strengthen your strengths more too. Which of course it takes time and patience.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by HockingPastryChef

Here is a website I recommend:

Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

Plus you are you. Nobody is better than anyone. We all have our own weaknesses and strengths; you need to accept them.

Take your time to become self-aware and write out your weaknesses and strengths and your likes and dislikes. It helps quite a bit so you can be more aware on what you need to strengthen and know what you are good at and can strengthen your strengths more too. Which of course it takes time and patience.

Thank you for the link.
I don't think I would be able to make this list right now, right now there r too many weaknesses and no strength at all.. I don't see anything good or worthless in myself now, I don't know how to fix it, I feel even worse when I know how well he is doing ( i do know it is bad).

[HockingPastryChef]

First off you need to stop comparing yourself with him. You are you; he is himself. You are two different people.

And I am certain you have strengths; you are choosing not to see them in yourself. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by HockingPastryChef

First off you need to stop comparing yourself with him. You are you; he is himself. You are two different people.

And I am certain you have strengths; you are choosing not to see them in yourself. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Him is him and me is me and he is in a better place than me since he left me.. it makes me feel sad, bad. I don't want to be just a bad episode in his life. I want to be better.. but never feel strong enough to get uo and actually do something, weak willpower..

[HockingPastryChef]

My question is how do you know that he is in a better place?

If he does feel better being away and you don't like it. I see it as a sign that you need to become more independent of yourself. I see it as a life lesson; yes maybe you don't see that right now. Though when you make yourself become more confident then you'll see that everybody has their own life and in every situation there are the positives.

Like so it's a waste of time to feel down because someone else is feeling happy. I would be happy to see that he is happy and to know that you are a good person yourself and know that you'll find someone else.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by HockingPastryChef

My question is how do you know that he is in a better place?

If he does feel better being away and you don't like it. I see it as a sign that you need to become more independent of yourself. I see it as a life lesson; yes maybe you don't see that right now. Though when you make yourself become more confident then you'll see that everybody has their own life and in every situation there are the positives.

Like so it's a waste of time to feel down because someone else is feeling happy. I would be happy to see that he is happy and to know that you are a good person yourself and know that you'll find someone else.

He always wanted to get away from here - so he did, he always wanted to get a really good job - so he did, he wanted to do sports - he is doing it now, we have old friends in common, I do know that he has moved on and I feel sorry for myself, for being so pathetic, 21 years old working at the bar with no degree, one silly diploma that can't help me in any way, no friends, no money, back to living with my parents in a one bed apartment.

I agree that I need to become more independent and happy with myself but I am not, I always wanted to be good for him and with him, I always wanted him to see real me and I used to think that he is the only one who does, I was never like him, I didn't know much about history or politics - he did, it is like I wasn't smart enough although I know I am not stupid, I was wiser than him in some other ways, but did it count for him? probably not. I just really need to start loving myself, be happy again and do something to fix my life like he is fixing his but what can I change? I am young and I have no experience and I feel down every single day, how in this state of mind I can ever improve myself??

[HockingPastryChef]

Get yourself out there and do it! You aren't getting anywhere with drowning yourself with negative thoughts and comparing yourself with someone else.

What do you enjoy?

And another thing is yes maybe your degree won't help you much; though that is something you've gotten in the past that shows you can do something. Your diploma is a positive because it shows that you were motivated to have gotten it in the first place.

[hannabee]

Could you possibly get a nanny position? That would get you into your "own" place, make you feel good about helping a family and then maybe you could do school in the evenings? You are young and with that there is usually self-doubt. It WILL get better as you age, trust me. Give it some time. Find something you like to do....maybe drawing, painting, cooking....something to give you that feeling of accomplishment that is really the basis of self-esteem. Big hug!!!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

He always wanted to get away from here - so he did, he always wanted to get a really good job - so he did, he wanted to do sports - he is doing it now, we have old friends in common, I do know that he has moved on and I feel sorry for myself, for being so pathetic, 21 years old working at the bar with no degree, one silly diploma that can't help me in any way, no friends, no money, back to living with my parents in a one bed apartment.

I agree that I need to become more independent and happy with myself but I am not, I always wanted to be good for him and with him, I always wanted him to see real me and I used to think that he is the only one who does, I was never like him, I didn't know much about history or politics - he did, it is like I wasn't smart enough although I know I am not stupid, I was wiser than him in some other ways, but did it count for him? probably not. I just really need to start loving myself, be happy again and do something to fix my life like he is fixing his but what can I change? I am young and I have no experience and I feel down every single day, how in this state of mind I can ever improve myself??

You mentioned going back to school, but without a direction to go in, why not wait, a little while, until you know. Being a bartender, must have a positive aspect? You need some good personality traits to do that! My Mom was one, for many years, outgoing, friendly, good listener, trustworthy, and more...
I can't picture bartenders, anything but those qualities.
21 is still very young, so you aren't into politics, big flying whoop. Not everyone is, doesn't mean you can't think for yourself, formulate your own opinions.
My Mom met my late stepdad, through work. He was good to her, she was good to him.

Hang in there

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You mentioned going back to school, but without a direction to go in, why not wait, a little while, until you know. Being a bartender, must have a positive aspect? You need some good personality traits to do that! My Mom was one, for many years, outgoing, friendly, good listener, trustworthy, and more...
I can't picture bartenders, anything but those qualities.
21 is still very young, so you aren't into politics, big flying whoop. Not everyone is, doesn't mean you can't think for yourself, formulate your own opinions.
My Mom met my late stepdad, through work. He was good to her, she was good to him.

Hang in there

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I agree on this!

My question is: How is bartending not a positive? Not everybody knows how to do it. You need to have speed to be able to do it and need to know how to make drinks which takes memory.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Could you possibly get a nanny position? That would get you into your "own" place, make you feel good about helping a family and then maybe you could do school in the evenings? You are young and with that there is usually self-doubt. It WILL get better as you age, trust me. Give it some time. Find something you like to do....maybe drawing, painting, cooking....something to give you that feeling of accomplishment that is really the basis of self-esteem. Big hug!!!

Thank you for your reply, I don't think I could be a nanny coz I've no experience with kids so every parent world rather chose someone who worked with kids before and I don't want to lie. . I am attending yoga classes and some fitness classes but i feel like it's not helping with improving my personality and who I am, when someone is asking me what do you do, I want to be proud of my answer or at least to say that I am on my way to something - but i am not. I wish I was one of those ppl who always achieve things, I am not an optimist coz I grew up not in a perfect conditions with only one parent.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You mentioned going back to school, but without a direction to go in, why not wait, a little while, until you know. Being a bartender, must have a positive aspect? You need some good personality traits to do that! My Mom was one, for many years, outgoing, friendly, good listener, trustworthy, and more...
I can't picture bartenders, anything but those qualities.
21 is still very young, so you aren't into politics, big flying whoop. Not everyone is, doesn't mean you can't think for yourself, formulate your own opinions.
My Mom met my late stepdad, through work. He was good to her, she was good to him.

Hang in there

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I understand but where I am now - I don't feel good about myself. Btw.. I am a coffee bartender at the bar, which is different. .
I am sick of serving other people, I need to move forward somehow because I feel very bad about myself, when ppl look at me it is like they r saying "look at you and look at me" plus I was born in a different country, I will always be a guest here.

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[(JD)]

Welcome guest!

First realize that self esteem is not an emotion, it's a frame of mind. Many look to "feeling good" about oneself when that will bring them down (feelings do that.) Try to step back and view your life as someone else would honestly. If you are in this country because it's a better place, then reward yourself with that. You have a job and 1/3 of the people in USA who want a job cannot find a job. So that's also a good thing you have accomplished. Also, I have to admit I have not ever gone to a coffee shop or deli or such and looked down upon a server!!! In fact, I have often said that EVERYONE should be a server for at least a few months so they can appreciate people and life more.

Try taking the focus off yourself and onto others. You have a great opportunity to be a better person right where you work. Don't compare and don't assume others are comparing because you are (that's projection.) Each person you serve has an issue in life and you can make them feel better by a real smile and welcome. Imagine changing a person's day that way!

Then, think about the people you admire--whether teacher, celebrity, family member, neighbor. What is it about them that makes you like them? Is there one thing you can "steal" from a person and make it your own? Each time you copy them in the effort not only will you think of them and have good thought, but you'll know you have that "quality" too now. (It could be the way they smile, tilt their head when they first greet a person, the way they dress, walk, or even an encouraging phrase they use---whatever it is that makes you like them might be what makes others appreciate being around you too.)

Just some thoughts. Be well.
drjean