[anna_goth27]

I had the perfect title for this thread and I completely forgot it just now. Its totally not my day. -_-

So, my question is, after much thought and after the new mishap that happened this morning, I think its pretty safe to say that my coworker has absolutely no will in wanting to be my friend. I care too much about her friendship, but I guess I might as well kiss it goodbye because she could care less at this point.

At one point the only thing that made me look forward to coming in to work was to have some time to talk to her one on one. Now, like this morning, sometimes I am filled with dread because I am uncertain about what is going to happen or if I might slip up and say something I shouldn't or something that will make things awkward or tense.

Anyway, my problem is though, this office is very small. We only have about 6 staff members at work on any given day. My coworker and the receptionist I would say are the closest, and we usually spend alot of time together when no one else is in office, especially for about an hour every morning when the three of us come in. I don't want to make things too awkward, but I am trying to figure out what is the best way for me to distance myself from my coworker without making it too obvious to everyone else that something is up or without making it seem like my actions are strange and that suggest something. I also don't want to put my coworker in an uncomfortable position, but she is making ME uncomfortable. And I don't want what happens between us two affect the way the receptionist and I interact, because we get along pretty well and I am also pretty sure she would take my coworkers side.

This is killing me. I don't know how to act or what to do. Its stressing me out to the core. When she is around my heart starts beating out of control from the nervousness because I am afraid I am going to do or say something wrong to her or around her. And then there is another side that wants to please her so much. I feel like even though I caused most of it myself, that she is being a bit unfair with me though. I don't know.

[gayleggg]

Have you tried appologizing to her and just talking to her about what happened?

[anna_goth27]

Yes. And she says that if I honestly cared about her I wouldn't keep constantly jeopardizing her job when all she's done is tried to help me on a personal level and work-wise. She also says that now she has no respect for me because obviously I have no problem lying my way out of things and blaming other people in the process.

I don't know what to do anymore. She says after all she did for me, this is the thanks I give her she doesn't know what to think of me anymore. She says I should just stop and think before I speak, especially when it comes to her work. I am trying to explain that is what I try to do, but when the bosses speak to me I get nervous and because I have been feeling so stressed, when they talk to me I feel like I am being cornered and so my mind doesn't think properly. Not to say that I say bad stuff about her on purpose, but my instinct is to be honest and sometimes too much honesty is not the best as we all know.

She also pointed out that I should be more careful because what comes around, goes around and that just has me on edge now. I know before I was thinking it "what if one of these days she approaches our supervisor and tells her something about me on purpose to get me fired", and now hearing her say that it scares me even more.

[anna_goth27]

We had a more in-depth and open conversation this morning. She was able to tell me her feelings and what is bothering her in a better way than when she blew up on me yesterday. I think we both want the same thing, which is to feel comfortable in our little office and to be cordial and have each other's back. I don't think that is too much to ask since I want that too. Obviously, we still concur that I am still at fault and that I ought to be not so careless. I know realize my change has to be deeper, so I have made a promise to myself to faze my self out of things I don't need to get caught up in, because that is usually what gets me in this situation. And if I HAVE to get caught up in it, then I must keep my mouth shut before blurting out any type of answer, which in turn means highlighting her strengths. I know that sounds weird and like I am giving her too much credit, but its my best way to deal with this issue while slowly self-teaching myself how to measure my words better.
Alot of stuff made sense though which, not exactly towards her, have left me feeling a little angry and afraid for the seeds I seemed to unknowingly been planting. I know deep within my heart my intention was never to hurt anyone or cause anyone their job. I just wish my subconscious would've been more careful about what it was telling my instincts and rationale to do.