[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello!

I'm a depressed/anxious person with BPD also who is supposed to be starting a job in a couple weeks. My parents and my ex partner says I'm not ready to do it and I should say no. I feel so depressed and anxious visiting my parents. I wake up horrified that I have to go through another day.
I'm on medication but I don't think it's working anymore. I really want to be successful at this job as I haven't been successful in so long. The job can be stressful and usually I start jobs and then immediately start missing work until they can me. How can I stay at the job?
I don't want to drain my parents of more money. I want to be like my brothers, working jobs and earning decent money and living my life. I know I would be happier if I was working because I would feel better about myself, I'd have fewer money problems, and I most certainly could afford my medication.
I need to get strength to say that I'm going to do this job and not fail under any circumstances. I'm just scared I will fail like I have numerous times before.

[Little Lulu]

Any way you could go ahead and start the job this week and get the anticipation over with?

[Bolivar83]

Dear MustKeepJob32: first, congratulations on your new job! And sorry that it is also such a source of anxiety and distress.

couple things, here: Is it possible you need your meds re-titrated? Would you feel more secure if your meds were more helpful?

I can relate to having a less than consistent track record re: jobs. Do you think if your family/ex partner were more on-board with your plans it would make you feel a little less anxious? Do you think their doubts mesh with your current outlook/skills (ie maybe you feel more ready to take on a job, feel more prepared, but its fear about the past rather than present reality that is giving you anxiety?)

Sometimes taking time to care for yourself can be more helpful in the long run than hurrying back into the workplace; I know you want to be independent, and it's frustrating to feel you can't adjust as well as your brothers, or others. But you are dealing with some real issues with BPD, and the meds can add to the challenge. Do you think you would benefit from more time before you went back to work?

Sending you best thoughts and wishes - whatever you decide, know you're making the best choice for yourself right now. I hope you will post updates to say how you are doing...

Take care - Bolivar

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks guys for your comments!
I can't start earlier and it's coming soon enough, in two weeks. I do want to be independent but over the last month or so, I've been so depressed even at my parent's house. I think I'm scared of doing nothing which is what I've been doing.
I do believe my meds need to be adjusted. Unfortunately my pdoc is in Mexico and I'm not near her right now. I was either going to go back to Mexico or do this job. I elected to do this job. My plan (best laid) is to start working and then when I have several days off, go back to Mexico, visit my ex partner and see my doctor.
I appreciate you're help!