Coping with work

I seem to be having a huge problem at work. My boss, I am second in command, scares me. Obviously she is triggering something in me and I end up working hours and hours just to try to avoid getting into trouble. Other staff have told me that they are afraid of her telling them off. I actually was brave enough to broach this with her last week, but then kind of backed down as I felt such a *****. I have talked to my t but although I know how to do stuff rationally when I am at work the irrational bit takes over and I can't look after myself very well. I have been into work for 8 hours today despite not working weekends and have worked my socks off but have nothing to show for it. When I try and talk to her she says I need to be more organised and delegate, and I believe her, but when I'm being rational I know this isn't the case. I am fairly organised but am doing my work and a lot of hers. I feel like I'm running the place, but my hands are tied as I am not the boss! (Nor do I want to be).
I think I want to know if anyone else has these kinds of problems and how can I stop her triggering me so much.

im afraid of my boss too. she is physically imposing as well as an authority figure. i am afraid to write the details here that somebody may recognize and tell her.....how silly is that. i am constantly afraid of getting in trouble. but my boss is fair and i am really good at my job so this is an irrational thought. it is just my anxiety running wild. the thing is, i know from experience, if i sit down and talk with my boss about my anxiety, (she knows about my mental illness) she will do whatever she can to alleviate it because she cares about me.

I know what you mean. I've written the post really carefully so no one could tell even the type of work I do. My boss tends to shout at people and can be unreasonable but I can't work out if I would react like this even if she was reasonable!

I am struggling at work not with my boss, but my coworkers. I perform a service within our team so a large group of them rely on me for certain things. My immediate team has always been too small to serve the larger team. I get the brunt of complaints relating to this.

A couple of people are particularly nasty about it. I had a blow out this week with one guy--it was so bad his boss told him he had to apologize to me, but it was more of a "I'm-sorry-you-took-it-that-way" apology.

I've asked my boss, if for a time, he could go directly to her. His tone of voice and word choice is condescending and insulting and I just need time to cool off before I deal with him again.

I am working on being assertive without being "crazy angry"
. At home I'm trying to get back into mindfulness and meditation exercises.

There is a book ACT made simple book I want to get. I realize I let people like this consume me and it is unhealthy.

If anyone has links or ideas about dealing with difficult people please share!

I recommend the book Dealing with Difficult People by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman - seriously, get it (the longer, not the shorter version) Hope your library has it maybe?

Willow, there's a definition of 'tank' in there, and how to deal with one (it was really helpful in dealing with my dad) - the 'tank' just yells and tries to 'bully' everyone into working/doing what he wishes, but you have to (respectfully) stand up to the tank and tell his or her behaviour (the yelling etc) has been just making things worse and minimizing productivity (or whatever the person cares about) But it's really well described in the book.

Growlycat, was the other guy 'only joking' or being a 'wiseguy'? - there are tips for that in the book too...

Hey Smilehere!

I wish this guy were just joking.I really like jokesters actually.

Wonder if the book has "Pouty Brat" as one of it's types.

He thinks he is the only one who works hard and everyone else is crap. He has a very high opinion of himself. Kind of insufferable, really.

Well actually Willowleaf, I worked in 3 jobs, & in 2 of them my bosses were actually sadists.

My boss now ALWAYS shouts, insults me. Well, one of those times after he revised a report I sent to someone I'm supposed to send to, & he shouted at me 'cause I did it without asking him first (although before he always insulted me too when I didn't do things 'cause he didn't tell me to, & he'd say I had to logically do it without him telling me, & that I'm stupid! ) So this time I actually told well I didn't know which way you'll shout at me, if I send it you tell me you didn't ask, & if I don't you'd tell me you're supposed to be smart & doing it without me telling you & when I told him that he shouted even more!

I really hate him so much. But I can't stand up to him, 'cause if I do he'll fire me, & I don't have the luxury to be fired & keep on searching for months for another job

Anyway, so I just made myself simply "NOT CARE", whatever he says or does to me, I just don't care. He's not a person I care about so why should I care about his actions!

He's just a nobody in my life, I just deal with him like I'm a senseless machine just finishing what he wants & then go back to my own life

Growlycat,

LOL. No 'Pouty Brat', alas! But there is a 'know-it-all' or something like that, if I remember it right. (I read it in translated version, so not sure which types exactly are used in English) Someone who always 'knows best' and may put down others just so he can 'shine' more?
Or it could be a 'sniper' if he aims for finding weaknesses and such. Or 'think-they-know-it-all'
Okay, here are the types and a short summary, though the book is much better DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE (slides) and Review + Notes: Dealing With People You Can't Stand by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner (longer description) - Nushi, sorry to hear about your boss, you can read for the Tank (or Grenade?) too, actually it seems like you maybe tried to 'attack' back or 'give excuses' in the boss's eyes maybe, instead of being focused on the task, and what you're doing now 'stand your ground' might be more in line with what they are suggesting? (In the boss's eyes, the yelling is not important, the task probably is/was, so any answer would need to be in line with that)

(Not sure which exactly is the original title of the book I've read)

I have a really hard not reacting to how I am being treated. I do not care who it is...I will usually blow right back. If I am treated with respect then I will treat with respect. There have been times where I have blown off steam - and have to let that person know it's not them, I am just frustrated - thanks for listening - and I am sorry. If they do not want to listen they get to tell me to go away.

Also, managers have to realize why someone is reacting. Successful managers understand what makes you tick. Recognizing postive behavior gets you you everywhere with me!!!! I make it a habit to point out good things - even if I am not a big fan of a co-worker.

Cannot change anyone - only your reaction...it's really hard - I know!

We all know at least one of those!

I actually wish I was MORE like that -- I tend to internalize all of it. I think sticking up for yourself actually makes people treat you better.

On reflection a number of things occur ot me:

Your boss needs you as much as you need her - I assume you are fairly recently appointed and that she had a hand in recruiting you so it may well be that she has a vested interest in your success (albeit with a funny way of showing it).

Is it possible that she wants you to run the day to day business of the department and she wants to look after the strategic aspects, deal with the bigger bosses and fight her corner on budgets? That could be a good deal for you both and her apparently critical comments may be aimed at helping you deal with running the outfit.

Does she meet you regularly and reasonably frequently and have a honest constructive debate on your role and her expectations of you? Is it customary in your business to do this? I place great store by this.

Just some thoughts - stress at work is very bad, and I hope I may help in some small way.

I was not always like that... I was such a people pleaser. As I got older...some how I broke that spell... and felt like "I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE" Yikes - went through some angry years I'm not sure what or how I changed but sure glad I did. I'm not the favorite at my office - but they know they can count on me...and I call a spade a spade. I had a manager once tell me - "I always know where I stand with you" .
Whatever works for your life/career - may there be more good days than bad!