[connect.the.stars]

I have a lot of trouble getting out of bed in the morning. As a result, I've been getting into the office later and later and later. I used to be in at 8 am. It slowly moved to 8:30. Then 9. Then 9:30. 10... you get the picture.

Today I got in at 10:30 am.

Even though I don't have a certain time I MUST be in the office by (unless I scheduled an early morning meeting), I think the people I have been sitting next to and some of the seniors I report to have noticed that I am often "missing" in the morning.

It's not that I don't show up. But I worry they will think I am not as hard-working if they can't find me at my desk when they need to ask me a quick question.

I do my work diligently. I stay late at night (sometimes until midnight) to finish what I haven't finished. I work on weekends sometimes too.

Basically, whatever works for your schedule is the way people work in my office. Bottom line is: as long as you get your work done and communicate if you'll be working out of the office, it's fine.

Therefore, I wonder if I should even mention to the seniors I work on projects with this issue I have with depression. I feel like the office gossips and if I tell one person, it will spread like wildfire to people who don't even need to know. I think my peers have noticed, or at least guessed, what is up with me. I'm also unsure if I should let my local office talent manager know.

I'm scared of what people will think of me - perhaps make the incorrect assumption that I am incompetent in the work place because of this... or think I am just making excuses for myself since I don't have a "formal" diagnosis. I wouldn't be able to provide a so-called doctor's note since my parents don't allow me to seek mental health services.

I'm open to hear any suggestions or thoughts you guys may have. Or perhaps stories of your experience telling your bosses about your MI.

Thanks!

[gayleggg]

I think I would keep it to myself. If the grapevine works at your office like it did at mine, news travels fast and there is no need to let everyone know. Only if your superiors question your lateness would I notify anyone. That's just my opinion and experience.

[connect.the.stars]

Ok, thanks gayleggg!

Just curious, do you recommend lying about it even if I was asked about why I am so late?

(make up an excuse about how I was up late working the previous night... or something about how my neighbor's swimming pool broke and flooded my backyard, etc.)

[guilloche]

I would try to avoid mentioning it too. I wonder though... if you're working to midnight, would it be easier to get there in the morning if you left earlier in the evening? There's NO way I could work until midnight, then get in at 8 am the next day - that's just not reasonable in my opinion.

I also wonder (and sorry if this isn't helpful, please feel free to ignore it!) if there's anything else that could help you with the mornings? For example, I have a TV in my bedroom that I set for a little bit before I need to actually wake up (then an actual alarm clock, in case I don't get up). I find it easier to wake up with the TV, because I wake up slowly (not startled), and can spend 20 or 30 minutes watching whatever is on... and slowly getting my brain in gear.

Just some thoughts... and sorry you're going through this. I'm struggling with feeling depressed lately too, and it's really not fun. Luckily, I mostly work from home, so nobody knows when I'm barely awake and in pajamas at work...

[TheMagnifiCat]

Never ever expose yourself in this way in the workplace. You co workers are not necessarily your friends. There are folk who adore pulling you down either in bullying or the stab in the back type.....don't reveal vulnerability as it gets on the network and is there forever!

[pinkflower17]

I totally agree. I have a history of anorexia (which was probably blatantly obvious) and depression and I made the mistake of telling my co-workers and it totally bit me in the ***. I ended up leaving 5 months later. I think if my co-workers questioned me, I'd be really vague and say something like, "I had something come up, or I had a family issue I had to deal with, or if it's a daily thing; "I just prefer to work at night when it's quieter". Something like that. If my boss asked me, personally, I'd be a little more honest because you may need to take time off or need FMLA in the future, but I would still keep it as vague as possible without outright lying. I.e. "I just have a lot going on that I've been dealing with", "I had to take care of something", "I'm going through a lot right now". They will probably extrapolate what's going on, but let them do that. If that conversation ever comes up, I would also ask, "Is it okay that I come in late and stay late as long as my work gets done"? It sounds like that's okay, but at least you're being proactive then. I also struggle with depression and have a really hard time getting moving in the morning, so I totally get where you're coming from. I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

[CosmicRose]

I would recommend that you start going to sleep 2 hours earlier ASAP, because then you will be able to get out of bed earlier. Otherwise they might replace you (even if you don't have to be in at a certain time, if everyone else is there and you show up 2 hours later, they might still think it's a problem no matter how late you stay). By the way, staying later just seems counterproductive since you end up coming in 2 hours later in the morning, so stop staying super late and get there super early instead.

I do not recommend telling any coworkers that you're depressed. They are not your friends and they are not your therapist.
Hope you start feeling better!

i would keep it to myself... many people react in the wrong way when you share things like that unfortunately.

[connect.the.stars]

Thanks for all the replies! I guess the general consensus is to keep this to myself and look for ways to get in earlier.

I suppose I was hoping someone would be understanding about it at work, but the points you have all brought up are true. I doubt I will be replaced (thank goodness), but my annual review might not look too great if people think I am not doing enough work.

I hope that there will come a day when people struggling with any MI can be upfront about it with their boss and work together to look for solutions.

[newday2020]

I agree about not telling your personal stuff.......But the point is "your parents won't let you get any help".
Now maybe you need a AD.
I hope somehow you can get what you need without them. They are not helping you.
I know you are a very responsible person.

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I would try to avoid mentioning it too. I wonder though... if you're working to midnight, would it be easier to get there in the morning if you left earlier in the evening? There's NO way I could work until midnight, then get in at 8 am the next day - that's just not reasonable in my opinion.

I also wonder (and sorry if this isn't helpful, please feel free to ignore it!) if there's anything else that could help you with the mornings? For example, I have a TV in my bedroom that I set for a little bit before I need to actually wake up (then an actual alarm clock, in case I don't get up). I find it easier to wake up with the TV, because I wake up slowly (not startled), and can spend 20 or 30 minutes watching whatever is on... and slowly getting my brain in gear.

Just some thoughts... and sorry you're going through this. I'm struggling with feeling depressed lately too, and it's really not fun. Luckily, I mostly work from home, so nobody knows when I'm barely awake and in pajamas at work...

Well the working until midnight thing has only been a recent occurrence since there is an upcoming filing deadline and everyone is rushing to get stuff done ASAP. I think once the hype dies down, I'll have an easier time getting back on schedule.

As for methods to wake up earlier, I can't think of anything really. It's not an issue of not waking up. I already set an alarm and I do wake up, I just can't get my body physically out of the bed. But your TV idea is brilliant. Maybe it can help out someone else

I live with my parents and I try to avoid coinciding with their morning routine schedule because I dislike eating breakfast with them (and any meals for that matter). My dad's always making me eat more than I can. It's like ... I can't eat anymore... so I'd have to get up earlier than them, otherwise I'd be late if I got up after them.

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by susanemily

I agree about not telling your personal stuff.......But the point is "your parents won't let you get any help".
Now maybe you need a AD.
I hope somehow you can get what you need without them. They are not helping you.
I know you are a very responsible person.

Forgive me for asking, but what is an AD? Actual Diagnosis? haha

[newday2020]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

Forgive me for asking, but what is an AD? Actual Diagnosis? haha

I meant anti-depressant. Maybe you have a little depression going on.

Would your parents object to that if you needed one?

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by susanemily

I meant anti-depressant. Maybe you have a little depression going on.

Would your parents object to that if you needed one?

Ooh okay haha thank you for clarifying. Yes, they would object to meds. Personally, I'd want to try psychotherapy before resorting to medication. But they don't want me going to therapy either.

I think the depression is not as bad when I am overworking myself because it gives me less time to overthink things. My coping mechanism appears to be workaholism. These past few weeks and staying in the office until midnight... I have not had as many bad or suicidal thoughts. I'm a bit worried that the depression will return when I have nothing else to do.

[newday2020]

Is there a Human Resource person at work?
Someone to help you and keep confidentuality.

I don't mean to upset you
I'm wanting the best for you.

[Hexagram]

Confiding in your coworkers that you have or suspect you have a mental illness is a bad idea. The workplace is dog-eat-dog and someone will use this information against you. The stigma surrounding mental illness in our society is so profound that you might as well tell them that you have a criminal record.

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

I wouldn't be able to provide a so-called doctor's note since my parents don't allow me to seek mental health services.

Whoa! What's that all about?

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by susanemily

Is there a Human Resource person at work?
Someone to help you and keep confidentuality.

I don't mean to upset you
I'm wanting the best for you.

Yes there is a Human Resource person, but she is constantly swamped with emails and often takes forever to reply (not very organized in my opinion). I'm not sure I trust to go to her.

In fact there is no one I really trust with this information except for ONE of my managers.

And don't worry, you're not upsetting me

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by Hexagram

Confiding in your coworkers that you have or suspect you have a mental illness is a bad idea. The workplace is dog-eat-dog and someone will use this information against you. The stigma surrounding mental illness in our society is so profound that you might as well tell them that you have a criminal record.


Whoa! What's that all about?

Yea, I understand this mentality. Even among my peers and staff at my level, they will do anything to try and look like they are better or more competent. It is a competition after all - for better reviews and possibly better promotions.

There is another girl who started working at the same time as me who witnessed me break down and start crying non-stop after one of the social events. I don't think she has told anyone, but of course I have no evidence she hasn't. She's the person I am referring to as the one who might have put together the puzzle pieces.

As for my parents - they just don't believe in talk therapy. Or meds. They think it's a waste of money because they don't believe it does anything. Only you can do what you need to do for yourself. I really don't blame them for that mentality. They grew up in households with virtually no support of any kind and none of the comforts or luxuries of today's modern era. They always just had to suck it up and do what they needed to get done. They had no other choice. Study hard enough to get work. Work part time while studying to get food on the table. Save enough to money to move out of the country. Adapt to a new culture and learn a totally new language. Eat or be eaten. The way they were able to rise from nothing to middle class was quite an admirable feat no doubt, but it leaves them rather uncompassionate towards people who seek help for every little thing that's going wrong in their life. Their life motto would really be the Nike motto. Just Do It.

[Hexagram]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

As for my parents - they just don't believe in talk therapy. Or meds. They think it's a waste of money because they don't believe it does anything.

Your parents have my respect for their hard work and successful assimilation, but they're wrong to forbid you treatment based on their prejudices and assumptions. Whatever you're going through, it's affecting your work and it's getting worse. You're an adult with a job; you don't need your parents' permission to find out what mental health resources are available to you and getting a consultation.

[hiles.rk]

I used to feel like there was no reason my employer should be 'in the dark' about my situation. I have Bipolar I, and it is a health condition - much like diabetes or lupus. I stood firmly in my perspective. Having said that, I have been the manager of a ceramics studio since I graduated college. I loved my employees and they loved me, so it wasn't a typical work environment. On the 30th, I'm going to start a new "big girl" job; I've been thinking about the same thing. I have decided not to say anything. Here are some free workbooks I found about depression and how to handle employment, etc. The employment one has been very helpful for me.

Because I'm new to this site, I can't use any links yet...but to find the workbooks (loophole), just google: "purchase IPS Workbooks Outside NY State"

Rachel

[newday2020]

Hi connect.the.stars I was thinking about your parents and how strong they are.
I'm not saying it's easy to disagree with them, But they are ignorant of some things.
Depression is a B_ _ _h!
When we are children we have to take what we get.
Now we get to think for ourselves.
I understand about "ignorant parents."
Please get what you need. Do they have to know?
If they find out I'd just repeat the same line "I have to do this for myself. "You don't know how I feel."
Waiting for them to get it is too long.
You are not disobeying them you have to advocate for yourself in this instance.
All the best to you......you are a good person.

[connect.the.stars]

So they already somewhat know what's up with me because I tried going without their permission a couple of times. Every time I got back, they would interrogate me on what I did in that session and if I was better or not. I mentioned I wanted outside help for a reason, but they told me I should talk about it to them instead since they actually care about me and I am not paying them money to tell me things. Also since they have more life experience.

[newday2020]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

So they already somewhat know what's up with me because I tried going without their permission a couple of times. Every time I got back, they would interrogate me on what I did in that session and if I was better or not. I mentioned I wanted outside help for a reason, but they told me I should talk about it to them instead since they actually care about me and I am not paying them money to tell me things. Also since they have more life experience.

Have they studied psychology?
Do they know how to let their kids grow up and be seperate from them?
Must they tell you how to spend your money?

You don't have to answer this to me........just a few things to think about.

[RisuNeko]

I have told a few of my coworkers about my mental illness and as far as I know they haven't spread it around too much, and none of them have said anything hurtful to me. It just came up in casual conversation or someone was saying something offensive or incorrect about bipolar disorder and I told them that I have bipolar disorder and I do not behave the way they are describing. Most of my coworkers are around my age (mid 20s), and are a bit more open minded, and my supervisors are in the business of creating and maintaining wellbeing for their clients, so my guess is that they would extend the same philosophy to their workers (I'm a caregiver at an assisted living facility for elderly people). So it's not all dog-eat-dog. But I can see how some office jobs might be that way.

[Bill3]

they told me I should talk about it to them instead since they actually care about me and I am not paying them money to tell me things. Also since they have more life experience.

Actually, therapy is best done by those who are not connected with the patient socially or as family. Therapy is a profession just like medicine, and depression is an illness, to be treated by those who have the relevant professional skills and professional experience.