[SilverSprings]

*Trigger warning as I discuss aspects of my bi polar disorder* (apologies for the novella in advance)

I have worked on and off with my dads contracting biz since high school. He put me through college (biz school) and when the former office manager passed away, I stepped in full time. Was a part time student, eventually graduating with Accounting degree. He inherited from his dad when he passed, I was the first female they 'allowed' into the biz.. And i was married young in early 20's. I never did much in the way of exploring options, never went away to college and feel i was limited by my illness and also working w/ the family biz- which in some ways has been a blessing and a curse. Im getting older now, (34 yo) and feel a bit of pressure to figure this out!

I know I am capable of stepping out of the family biz, as I did it before for 2 years after my divorce and wanted a change. I was hired quickly after my first interview, eventually had my own Assistant and enjoyed the small office environment. It felt good to confront my fears and support myself outside of a marriage or family. I moved out and was on my own and had a blast and freedom! later I met my present boyfriend who is amazing.. We now live together, I am closer to my family. My dad brought me back in as things picked up and he needed help, and the other job just hit a glass ceiling and allure. He said it was at least until 6 mo's, or until i found another job. Fast forward a few years, I am still here.

I am attending classes to get Project Mgmt certification to advance further / build my resume . Dad is on my side, despite we dont have much of a RL but I truly think he also might be sick w/ bi polar or some mental / mood disorder as it can be genetic. ~~~~ He just barely talks to anyone, about anything (unless he is in the mood to)... he is a decent nice guy, he is extremely intelligent and lets me do my own thing mostly.... i have a lot of freedom which i am enjoying. However, I work completely alone most of the time with limited interaction (several hours solo many days) w/o anyone other then my family and even that is limited/ passive environment. I only work about 6-7 hours a day b/c i dont take many breaks. The perks are nice too, he has given me extra vacation $ without me asking to travel, they have taken me away with them to really fancy places, he pays for my gas and car repairs. etc. etc. Cool stuff that i doubt i would have w/ another co. at least not at this level. I am a fairly humble girl, I dont really "need" these things, but have realized they do bring a level of comfort.

With Bi Polar, it seems quite normal to suffer in the career zone and to feel like a failure..(from my research) : Frequent days off, mood issues, who to tell / trust in the office, feeling you are settling and could be doing something more advanced and are capable of higher level work. But the reality likely is that I wouldn't be able to handle the stress, and it is an alluring fantasy of sorts to think about that kind of work life. My best friend would say "you could totally be VP of a large company... you have the brains and personality" and i usually just laugh and think 'yea right, in another lifetime!'

Still, I have always fantasized about working my way up in the Biz world, working for a large co (like my bf does). I did interview out of college with a top Accounting firm, was almost hired but freaked out when i had to interview w/ the partners. I was younger, newly married in a unhealthy RL, quite anxious, not diagnosed and couldn't handle the stress at all.. Despite having a passion/ drive to be successful. I self published a cook book (on my free time) a bunch of blogs, and started a real estate business with my ex-Husband ... Never really had any guidance or thought about "what im going to be when i grow up" like many others and just rolled with things that came along.

Thanks to my BF/partner, I have great health benefits now. I am presently working with Therapist and Pdocs, newly diagnosed under a month ago with Bi Polar 2 and PTSD. So for many reasons I think this job is good for me, including the fact that my illness can be managed fairly well with the flexibility of the job. I can telecommute, take off days when too sick, Dad doesn't know (nor does Mom, will get to her later).

I maybe should make a pros and cons list, but at the moment am just working my way up to a therapeutic dose on my meds (Lamictal), so honestly, every day i wake up and tell my partner a new work / job idea; He has started to recognize my hypo mania / patterns. I am sure I would not do very well in a normal structured environment. However, there are issues with the way things are as well... which include lack of boundaries, sometimes poor guidance by my boss / dad, ups and downs / stress of fam biz, my mother...!! Re: Mom- she works at a school, so she is home for the summer. (otherwise, it is more bearable). We are pretty close (she had me young) yet sometimes there is a major role reversal.. She mostly keeps to herself or they are up at their vacation home. (another perk btw, i get to go there and away pretty much at will.... that is cool for sure). But when she IS home, she is very needy and co-dependant with my dad. and when he doesnt have time for her, she is asking me to take her shopping or go walking (why cant she go alone? for the same reason i am probably scared to do so many things by myself .... ) and also she likely has a ED and anxiety issues. My therapist wants me to bring her in, frankly I dont see that happening! At least not yet.

My younger brother who is almost done w/ college might take over in the fam biz. (as a girl, i am a bit limited on how much i can work in the contracting end b/c it is so male driven still) My Brother and I have a GREAT relationship and he is exact opposite of my dad. He is outgoing, sweet, sensitive... very people - person oriented and intelligent.

Hoping that him and I can work together one day (he works w/ us over the summers but has a bit of experience to get anywhere close to my dads level of expertise). We just all dont connect well. I am extremely passive in communicating w/ dad... mostly prefer written communication but lately try to talk more in person. I see so much potential here! We work with one of the largest companies in the world as our client, this is not something to just walk away from- it is a great opportunity for me.

However, my salary is so-so (standard office manager salary), and I just wonder all the time if i am in the right place? Do i have more potential? am in the right field at all? (i used to love art so much, initially was in college for Graphic design but was pressured into Biz school). But im in my 30's, i might be settling down again w/ my partner who i love dearly and who is extremely amazingly supportive and eventually maybe have a family. Things are looking up, but also the questions and possible issues pop up more now that I am working on so much in therapy.

I guess I am just looking for reassurance, or advice... its such a weird place to be in. Not many can relate. I am grateful to have this job most days, but it does stress me out allot sometimes, and other times there are such great perks and flex. It could be the illness talking still, so I guess in a few months, if i still feel this way i might have a serious talk with my Dad to see where things are going. The thought of doing that right now, its just too stressful! I have such issues w/ confrontation... And, i can work with my therapist with re: to my mom, better boundaries. (I feel so degraded when we go shopping - just for me to drive her.. and feed her shopping addiction... I just feel it is somehow F'd up... i see so much co-dependancy and it just makes me uneasy).

Sorry for the length.... and i just would love any feedback / support here !!!

[elevatedsoul]

what a long and interesting post
i saw your post on the bipolar forum so came here to read

i cant give any good advice as im struggling myself

but if i was in your position i would stick with the family business due to the flexibility

hang in there

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

what a long and interesting post
i saw your post on the bipolar forum so came here to read

i cant give any good advice as im struggling myself

but if i was in your position i would stick with the family business due to the flexibility

hang in there

Haha, I know looking back it is reallyyy long! Sorry about that- I can go off on these tangents. Thank you so much Good luck with your struggles, also.

[Nammu]

I saw the post on the bipolar thread too.

Is it possible that this is hypomania talking?

Not sure I read it right but it seems that you kind of think the ok wages somehow diminish your worth? Me personally would love a job where I didn't have to deal with many people during the day, so much less stress. Some of the things that triggers an episode or makes it worse are long hours, dealing with the stress of pressure and not having flexibility to deal with the symptoms as they come up. It sounds as if you have a great job for dealing with bipolar.

If you want to find out if you can do something else is it possible to ask for a leave of absence say for a year. Then give yourself a year to make it.

Originally Posted by SilverSprings

[I]However, my salary is so-so (standard office manager salary), and I just wonder all the time if i am in the right place? Do i have more potential? am in the right field at all? (i used to love art so much, initially was in college for Graphic design but was pressured into Biz school). But im in my 30's, i might be settling down again w/ my partner who i love dearly and who is extremely amazingly supportive and eventually maybe have a family. Things are looking up, but also the questions and possible issues pop up more now that I am working on so much in therapy.

Stay where you are and count your blessings. A higher salary would come with commensurate stress and performance expectations. I've been in art for 19 years and art is hard. You are super high-performing for bipolar, and you wouldn't want to jeopardize your stability (necessary for marriage and a family) by sabotaging yourself with taking on too much pressure at work.

[SilverSprings]

You are all the best for reading through that and I hope it wasn't too over-whelming! I might be in a somewhat hypo-manic phase at the moment and it is likely b/c i am dosing up on my meds.. as I felt a lot of hypo symptoms since the second time we titrated up from 25 to 50, i seemed to bug out much more these days. I am going to go up again this week and hope to find the sweet spot soon at 100 or whatever we deem is necessary! ugh...
I really appreciate it- as I tend to second guess myself and can easily cast a negative light on my situation.. forgetting this is actually quite a lucky opportunity!

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

Stay where you are and count your blessings. A higher salary would come with commensurate stress and performance expectations. I've been in art for 19 years and art is hard. You are super high-performing for bipolar, and you wouldn't want to jeopardize your stability (necessary for marriage and a family) by sabotaging yourself with taking on too much pressure at work.

Thank you very much... I appreciate that. I have certainly had tremendous struggles prior to my diag. I think the flexibility is truly necessary with this disorder, otherwise i likely would be job-hopping much more.

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I saw the post on the bipolar thread too.

Is it possible that this is hypomania talking?

Not sure I read it right but it seems that you kind of think the ok wages somehow diminish your worth? Me personally would love a job where I didn't have to deal with many people during the day, so much less stress. Some of the things that triggers an episode or makes it worse are long hours, dealing with the stress of pressure and not having flexibility to deal with the symptoms as they come up. It sounds as if you have a great job for dealing with bipolar.

If you want to find out if you can do something else is it possible to ask for a leave of absence say for a year. Then give yourself a year to make it.

Thank you! I do struggle with my wages defining my worth- something to consider dealing with in therapy. i live in a area of the north-east that is among the wealthiest in the area, so there is a lot of pressure and materialism here. I notice that at my prior job, I was so easily distracted and with my co-workers had a really hard time dealing w/ the stress of meetings, lots of phone and customer contact, my assistant and I getting into trouble, feeling really over-worked and having long hours, sitting all day long..... This is prob a much safer place for me. And healthier.