[AngstyLady]

Lately I've been trying not to let my self hate get the best of me- staying up late planning what school to go to and deciding on concentrations, plus not being able to sleep out of anger at myself . . .I've been waking up angry at myself and then crying(thinking about time wasted, thinking about every last bad decision I've ever made and regretting too much- feeling like a failure because I'm bad at making and maintaining friendships after being a recluse for so many years after being hurt))- I've made the decision to finally go back to school and get my MA- something I've been thinking about for a while on and off and kept getting distracted by things- thought of time it would take, finances, etc- and now I'm so mad at myself for not doing it sooner- I know I'm still young (early 30's) but I can't get over being mad at myself. . . .I'm tiring myself out- at work I'm seemingly fine, being round others helps a bit - but am so distracted by my thoughts -
I'm still overly sad though even though I'm making an effort(writing out info on application process and making appointments with advisors, etc)- it's like have the time I want to hurry up and do it and the other times I'm like whats the point, I've wasted so much time already- that's how I talked myself out of doing it the last 5 years, and I kept being stubborn thinking I'd find a better job and then start writing more on the side, which never ****ing happened. ARGH!
I'm currently drinking a beer (I barely drink) to calm my nerves- I was sitting here on my computer and my whole body kept freezing up- my muscles that is- This used to happen to me more as a child- I had the beer close and wasn't going to drink it but now I had to to help calm myself down a bit . . ..which I feel bad (mainly because it's so early in the day and I have work in 4 hours) for because I don't like being dependent upon anything but I guess at rare times like this it's ok . .. (it's calmed my mind and body enough to write this post)

ps. My mom just called right after I posted this and as I started talking to her I became tearful, such a weird cycle, my anger always turns to tears . . what is wrong with me?

[AngstyLady]

Sorry to put such a crazy post here, I guess I should've posted it somewhere else . . . I was thinking that perhaps my mood swings are related to my dieting- I've cut out caffeine and sugar and have really not been consuming as many calories per day as I should- I've been losing about a pound a day as a result but perhaps the mood swings are a side effect?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

You have made a brave and strong decision, that is a very good thing. Education is a very good thing and you have most of your life before you. Good luck.

[Rose76]

I like your quotes. Thanks for sharing them.

You have absolutely no responsibility for changing the past. It can't be done. All you are responsible for is to answer the question: "Where do I go from here?" When you lie down at night, say to yourself: "Today is over. I cannot relive it. My only job now is to go to sleep. Tommorrow I start anew."

Don't ruin the present and the future by wishing the past was different from how it was. People recover from all sort of horrible failure, even way worse than any you may have had. Keep that in mind. You have different options now for what you can do next. You're not yet in circumstances that you are locked into. Be glad of that. Good luck with going back to school.

[AngstyLady]

Yeah, I've been doing better the past two days (including today) . . .I think it was partially exhaustion and the fat that I've held in so much emotion for so long regarding the past- that and I can sorta have freak out moments sometimes when it comes to major life changes- like last night on the way home, I was getting worked up thinking of how I had contacted my former employer before work because I was thinking of going back (a good option while I go to school- it' closer to home, easier hours and better pay, no allergens, less stress I think), if only part time with an increased salary (if they'll agree to my terms) and I mostly had good thoughts of the benefits but then a whole lot of other past issues I dealt with during the time I worked there came flooding back to my mind and I worked myself up into a tizzy with anxiety about whether it was the best decision- I had already turned them down a few months back when they contacted me about coming back so I would feel stupid if I changed my mind again - and just made myself go to bed- I was able to check myself, see that I was freaking out- like an anxiety attack of sorts. . . but no anger or crying, lol.