[lowinmood]

May 2015 - got a new job as support worker - loved the job, put my all into it - knew it wasn't going to be a person-centred organisation, so started off by challenging some assumptions made by staff members.

End of May 2015 - a service user complained about a senior support worker - I informed my manager.

June 2015 - senior support worker is becoming more sarcastic with me, putting me down at any given opportunity, twisting everything I say around to make me look daft, mocking everything I say - I responded by becoming more pleasing with her, more apologetic and trying to avoid her so that she couldn't put me down.

July 2015 - We move offices, just our team with the manager in the same room. Also in a supervision session the manager tells me she is not taking me off the work trail as she feels that I'm not suitable for the role, reason is because I'm too soft with the service users.

August 2015 - The *****iness in the office intesifies, the senior support worker becomes more hostile with me and more sarcasistic, I realise her and the manager are very close and see things the same way, and often I come into the office, and they stop talking, I start to feel paranoid.

September 2015 - start to get a lot of hot flushes, I have other symptoms too and have for a while and suspect it is over-active thyroid gland, I inform may manager, she said I haven't got anything until I have been diagnosed with something and followed by saying that I have probably got early menopause with a smile on her face. Senior support worker comments that I shouldn't make up stories about having an over-active thyroid gland, I state that I have to come to terms with the fact I'm now infertile, senior support worker said that I have to get over myself and come to terms with that I'm aging.

October 2015 - carry on working and starting to battle with thoughts of being paranoid about my manager and the support worker, and also trying to accept that I'm menopausal. Getting more and more fed up about the manager's and senior support worker's attitude towards service users, and started to challenge their assumptions again, only to have the manager say to me that she can't stand workers who like their service users, that she has previously referred to a service user as a '****' (in the office) but she prefers it when people are being honest, she commented she cannot stand nice people, also manager starts slamming doors, walks away from me whilst I'm asking her a question, keeps reminding me that I haven't finished my work trail and keeps commenting that I'm too nice to the service users, she wants me to be more assertive with them, she commented that she thinks it is a problem that my service users want to work with me, feels that I'm not challenging them enough, even though I have a lot of evidence for moving people forward.

Mid October - start becoming more paranoid and start dreading coming to work, glad when I'm visiting service users, feel okay then, but start to have sleepness nights thinking about the negative comments from the manager and support worker towards me. Becoming more tearful and paranoid. Come into work one day, just wanting them to stop and express that I'm feeling paranoid as I feel everyone hates me, manager tells me that is not true and I'm to take sick leave off. Went to the doctors and told him, doctor referred me onto CMHT and said he doesn't think I'm depressed and just low in mood, Took a blood test to check for early menopause.

End of October - went back to work, feeling better, manager now off work on sick leave, I carry on, senior support worker a lot more softer but asking me if I have whistleblowed in the past, I don't give her direct answers, but imply that people have got sacked for not being person-centred and having negative attitudes towards service users in the staff room. She spent the week, I feel, being more careful what she says, and yes I have whistleblowed in previous jobs.

November - this MOnday - went into work this week as normal, manager back at work - says that I shouldn't have come back, that I'm depressed - I said the dr says I'm not and I'm just low in mood, I also said I've got over-active thyroid gland - she frowned at me, and said that she is not completing my work trial, that I will have to resign - I asked if there is a problem with my work, she said no, no issues, I'm not completing your work trail as you are depressed. I start crying, she said, see I told you you are depressed, I agree and agree to go home and get a sick note, agree to resign.

Tuesday - see the doctor, he says I'm being discriminated against due to my diagnosis, asked what he wants my sick note to say, I say 'pissed off' he smiled and said I can't put that and agreed to put 'low in mood'.

Wednesday - rang HR to find out why they extended my work trail without informing me and how is it that they can discriminate against me. Also spoke to a director, remained anonymous, and didn't give any names of who I was whistleblowing about, but said I'll do this later, and told her what has been happening, she told me that I am welcome to come to the head office and have a meeting with her when I'm ready to go through whistleblowing procedures.

Thursday - a service director rang me to inform me that my work trail ended in July and now on a 6 mth probabtionary period, apologised for what my manager told me saying that was incorrect and not what I wanted to hear if I am low, and agreed that anyone who has been made to believe they are going through early menopause and has not yet had children will feel low.

Friday - feeling strong - and signed up here to express my anger about what is happening with me right now!

[lowinmood]

Saturday - received a letter from a service director confirming I'm on a probationary period not work trial, and told me to take time out to recover, and the last paragraph she said another director, who is not linked to the service I work will contact me in the future as I had concerned about some practice issues within the organisation.

I will whistleblow - but scared to do so, because although my line manager tried to convince me to resign as she couldn't give two hoots about me, I'd worried how it will affect her if she gets suspended, and I have enough on her to probably make that happen - she's getting made redudent in end of March 2016 anyway, and think i won't whistleblow until then.

Yesterday evening I came accross two jobs I could apply for, one of them I had already applied exactly this time last year and understand the interview so can prepare myself better, I hate getting feedback from interviews, but I did for this one last year, the manager said I came very close and she was willing for me to do well, and told me to look out for the jobs again and apply next time, which I didn't as I got the job at the current place, so I will apply again, and can prepare myself for it as much as possible - also it's in a different city but fairly close to my current city, and I've been wanting a change for a long time, but only a short train journey home.

I guess I wouldn't have come across this job if I had carried on working.

Also, I'm now concerned about a reference, however, the management did state they have no issues with my work and will write a good reference. but they could change their mind especially if I went through whistleblowing procedures, best wait until I secure a new post. For now, I'll just keep away from them and just hand in my sick note each week.

[winter4me]

Unfortunately, whistleblowers/those who see something that needs to change, and speak up are not valued by Most employers (there ARE exceptions)---and any information can be turned against you. I have known people who handle this masterfully, I am not one of them but I am a Voice----it has worked for and against me....
It sounds like a potentially toxic work environment. They may very well give you decent references, or just provide basic time-worked to a future employer---they don't want to look bad, (or may fear "being sued"--an exaggerated fear but I have heard it expressed) Whatever you do DO NOT sign a statement on any new application saying that you waive the right to see/know what your references have said. (I have noticed this on some applications in the past, I never waive that right---it is an invitation to ...well, you get the idea)
I had the interesting experience of working, again, years later in a facility where I had been very outspoken in the past.
I was met by multiple staff telling me how much better they were now, how much more professional they are than when I was there in the past...basically saying "we remember you and want you to know times have changed for the better"---as they had adopted many of the changes I had once proposed.
Unfortunately, the new Director heard and wanted me out, afraid, I guess, I might find something else...
Oddly, even after that, I worked for the same employer again, this time as a contract worker. Go figure.

[lowinmood]

Thanks for your advice, I'm not ready to whistleblow yet,and might not ever do so, this week I have calmed down a lot and decided to not go back, but I haven't resigned, I'm just giving them sick notes.

Went to the dr again, got a month long sick note, anti-depressants, cos I realise now that I will keep doing this over and over again unless I control the depression during the winter, and I hate meds, and have tried mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics briefly in the past and they made me even worse, and my doc was resistant to give me the anti-depressants, but I pushed it, and he did, so see how that goes.

On the job front, I applied for the role of peer worker today,but hundreds of people apply for those types of jobs, but on the job description it mentions that the peer workers will still be on their recovery journey, so there would be more support and less judgment if I have a wobble again.

Continue to feel crap about showing my depression to the boss, said too much about it, and need to find a way, in the future, to compartmentalise again, I have done that in the past, wish I could learn to do that again, but I thought I was safe, I couldn't predict that this would happen.

Wish I could just win the lottery and not have all this crap and hassle to think about.