I had a massive bust up with a manager at work today. The guy is someone I had respected and liked until today, although our paths didn't cross particularly often.

Anyways, I won't bore you with the all the gory details, but in short - I asked a question that required a yes/no answer. It was not an earth shattering question, but my work for the next two days did depend on his answer and I couldn't really progress too much without it.

This guy is more senior to me, but he's not my line manager and we are in different teams.

Anyways, when I asked, he said we'd talk later. I asked for a little clarity - it just required a yes/ no answer, he told me again and was clearly getting angry - but his response wasn't making any sense (theres a lot more to it I just can't be arsed writing it all down). I asked again - really confused - I was genuinely baffled at what I was meant to do next. So he said the same phrase again, and this time he was really overly aggressive and eyeballing me and trying to intimidate me. I mean - REALLY overtly. This wasn't a questionable 'am I being paranoid' moment - it was there for lots of witnesses to see.

I was shaking by now, and quite scared, but also fuming and confused and just had no idea why he was being like this. I did **** up at this point and instead of being mature I just rolled my eyes at him and flounced of. (and I mean Flounced. With a big capital F).

Two minutes later he called me in to his office. He was fuming, I was fuming, he demanded to know how I could behave like that. It turns out he had asked everyone to not bother him for 15 minutes a few minutes before I went over, as he had a critical issue he was dealing with. I totally hadn't heard him say this, and as soon as he told me this I apologised. I explained I hadn't heard, and I would never have gone over if I had heard him say that. That I was genuinely and truly sorry, and his anger made a lot more sense now.

Turns out that wasn't the issue. All he cared about was that I 'challenged' him three times asking the same question, that this was unacceptable, that I should accept his first answer and if I don't like i should put a complaint in to his line manager. That as a manager it is unacceptable for me to challenge him in that way.

I apologised and said I was really sorry if it came across that I was challenging him. That really hadn't been my intention, I was just confused about what I was meant to do next. I said I was sorry for interrupting him when he had asked not to be, and I said I was sorry if it came across that I was challenging him. That I really hadn't meant to sound obnoxious, I was just confused. I then said I still felt that the aggression he showed and the overt intimidation he was doing was still not acceptable, although I did now understand why he was so angry in the first place.

He told me I didn't understand, I wasn't listening. That he didn't care what the context was, he didn't care what I felt, he didn't care if he was aggressive. What mattered is that I challenged him three times which is unacceptable in an open plan office.

At this point it dawned on me just what kind of narcissistic psychopath I was dealing with, and having grown up with that I knew there is no winning. I think I actually laughed at him. But I said seriously 'ok, Im sorry, it won't happen again'.

He exploded AGAIN, told me I didn't understand that this behaviour is unacceptable. I just put my hands in the air, told him that I told him he was right, I am sorry, it won't happen again, and what more did he expect? What else could I do?'. In front of my eyes he melted, and returned to being the helpful, nice, quiet spoken person I am used to! He really kindly answered the original question, thanked me, held doors open - the lot!

HOLY ****ING COW. I'm the dissociation QUEEN but this was messed up.

To top it off --- this week, after a year of busting my gut trying to impress the boss in job I am wholly unsuited for - They finally told me this week that they will be giving me the work I am entirely suited for, and something I have been vocal about wanting to do for a long time. But .... I will be working for the guy I had the bust up with! If he talks to me like that again, I'll be lucky if losing my job is all that happens! How the hell am I meant to work FOR him?

Do I stay in my poorly paid, crappy job that Im not great at as it plays to every one of my many weaknesses? Or do I go for the job I've already been offered, that is exactly what I wanted to do, that I know I can be good at.... And get fired in like - three seconds? Its a small company, and this guy is almost one of the founding members. Theres no HR department, and he is far too valuable to the organisation for anything significant to happen if I complain.I don't actually want to put a complaint in. He'll realise soon enough that overcompensating aggressive and intimidating men are my snack food. That I absolutely cannot be managed in that manner. But I like this organisation, and Id like to stay there if I could, and this new opportunity would certainly elongate my future there. I just don't know what to do.

[Permacultural]

Couldn't he have fired you at that point? Why didn't he?

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Couldn't he have fired you at that point? Why didn't he?

He can't fire me - he's higher up the hierarchy but has no line management over me.

I know he will have already complained to both directors of the company about me tho. One of the directors is his line manager, the other is mine.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by CassyO

He can't fire me - he's higher up the hierarchy but has no line management over me.

I know he will have already complained to both directors of the company about me tho. One of the directors is his line manager, the other is mine.

Ah, okay, gotcha. Well, he stood down from the way you wrote it out. Why not do what you've been wanting to do? You already know this guy's issues, and, you know how to deal with them. And HE knows that his dramatics don't phase you. Just pretend the exchange never happened when he's around.

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Just pretend the exchange never happened when he's around.

Ok, that I can do But what if I get asked about it by my boss / his boss. They are the kind of people to want to deal with this. This kind of situation really gets my feisty on. If I stay quiet and then get asked to give my side of things should I say it like it is? The guys a sodding fruit loop. More than me and thats saying something! If not Im definitely gonna need some pointers cos I don't do tactful

Cassyo, i agree with permaculture, why not just ignore the issue like it never happened and go in, do the job you want and like. Don't let a moron ruin your dream job. And you will be happy. You already know what to expect with him so don't worry about it. tc

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by CassyO

Ok, that I can do But what if I get asked about it by my boss / his boss. They are the kind of people to want to deal with this. This kind of situation really gets my feisty on. If I stay quiet and then get asked to give my side of things should I say it like it is? The guys a sodding fruit loop. More than me and thats saying something! If not Im definitely gonna need some pointers cos I don't do tactful

Oh, in the business world they call this a "miscommunication". If you're asked about it, speak behaviorally rather than emotionally, be calm, be honest, and summarize the event as a miscommunication. Only answer the questions they directly pose to you, rather than elaborating. They'll probably want to make sure you're not going to file a lawsuit. They might even ask you for ideas to improve communication. A correct answer to this question in the business world is another term called, "team building!" :-)

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Oh, in the business world they call this a "miscommunication". If you're asked about it, speak behaviorally rather than emotionally, be calm, be honest, and summarize the event as a miscommunication. Only answer the questions they directly pose to you, rather than elaborating. They'll probably want to make sure you're not going to file a lawsuit. They might even ask you for ideas to improve communication. A correct answer to this question in the business world is another term called, "team building!" :-)

Hahahahahaha this is fabulous - I really love the internet sometimes THANK YOU! Committing this entire post to memory

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Cassyo, i agree with permaculture, why not just ignore the issue like it never happened and go in, do the job you want and like. Don't let a moron ruin your dream job. And you will be happy. You already know what to expect with him so don't worry about it. tc

THANK YOU! I guess I was all adrenalined up, and wasn't thinking about how I can actually use this experience as helpful. If I know what the pitfalls are before I even start the job, I can avoid them from the beginning.

Do. Not. Ask. The. Same. Question. Three times.

Flouncing is apparently ok.

[CopperStar]

Yeah sounds like he had an angry little meltdown, and then it suddenly dissipated so he tried to quick damage control. As someone with PD issues, myself, I have experienced those. Not excusing the behavior, but just saying that he likely had a sudden volcanic AAURGGHH and then it went away as suddenly as it came on, snapped back to his senses and then probably wanted to pretend like it never happened, hoping you would just go along with pretending like that never happened. If he displays traits like manipulating, setting you up, lying to you, etc then you might need to make a career escape plan, but without malignant signs like that, dude probably just has an anger management problem.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Yeah sounds like he had an angry little meltdown, and then it suddenly dissipated so he tried to quick damage control. As someone with PD issues, myself, I have experienced those. Not excusing the behavior, but just saying that he likely had a sudden volcanic AAURGGHH and then it went away as suddenly as it came on, snapped back to his senses and then probably wanted to pretend like it never happened, hoping you would just go along with pretending like that never happened. If he displays traits like manipulating, setting you up, lying to you, etc then you might need to make a career escape plan, but without malignant signs like that, dude probably just has an anger management problem.

Thanks CopperStar - I needed to hear/ read this

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by CassyO

Hahahahahaha this is fabulous - I really love the internet sometimes THANK YOU! Committing this entire post to memory

You betcha =)