[Olivija]

Hi everyone,

I am new here, so I am not sure if my dilemma should actually belong here...

So let's start from the beginning.
Just wanted to mention that I am from Europe and English is not my first language, so in case there are some mistakes – apologies


I think you need some background information in order to know what is happening here (if anyone will have the patience to read all of this!)

Alright, so… I was always a bit envious when others already in high-school knew what they wanted in life. What I knew is that I would like to do something that makes me happy. I always liked languages and art.
I chose university that I liked and study program that I’ve enjoyed. After getting my bachelor degree I did not know what I would like to do yet, so I’ve got into a Master’s program, which was also really interesting and I had 2 wonderful years.
While I was still writing my Master thesis, I’ve decided to start searching for a job. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I’ve enjoyed studying and learning 7 languages (and I don’t think I know any of them actually just pieces of each) finding a job that would be related to languages or art was not that easy. Or if you do find a job related to it, then it does not pay that much and by that much I mean when you cannot even survive for that amount of money.
So I found an advertisement that “X bank” is searching for IT support analysts and I’ve sent my CV to them. I did not expect anything since I had no background for this position but I got a job. The salary was pretty good but I hated my job. I hated being surrounded by problems I did not know how to solve and I had to learn so much about IT… After a year I was the best in my group. I was getting the most compliments; I was solving the most amount of issue etc. But still I hated my job and always felt like an imposter.
A few months back I was promoted but I had to move to a different country. I was promoted to a completely different job, something like project manager / CEO assistant. I was really excited about it as I thought here’s my chance!


But I had to leave my boyfriend, whom I love, my family and friends back at my home country for almost one year. My thought was – one year is nothing compared to a lifetime and to the opportunity that I am getting. So I’ve decided to go.


And of course as anyone can expect in this “CEO” area no-one wants a person who would not be a “quick learner” so I’ve started learning, reading anything I can to get what I will be actually doing here. I was working for 10-12 hours per day and did not register for “over hours” as I thought this is for my own good.
The problem is: I don’t like it here. I don’t like the country that I have to work in. Ironically, I don’t like to be surrounded by people who don’t speak my native language or English for that matter. I feel forced to speak their language and then I feel that I am stupid as I don't understand everything what they are saying. I miss my boyfriend, my family, my friends. I don’t want to be here anymore.


The problem is also not only with the job but with me. I am a perfectionist and I suffer because of that. I get a new task every 2-4 weeks in a completely differently field and I have to deliver “world class” solutions. When I start doing something, I am doubting myself. What I am doing here? I should not even be here! I will never do this “perfectly” I don’t have any background for this, I have never done this before.

I also have a problem and difficulties with asking for help. As I assume that should know this if I am in this position. Then I spend enormous amount of time trying to do the task and that is not efficient way to work as then I am not able to spend enough time on other tasks. Or I don’t get enough sleep because I work or worry that I did not do some task…

All my friends have families of their own; they are having children and getting married. I am the one that is always studying and trying to get her dream carrier. But that is not what I want, I don’t want to spend the rest of 7 months here… But I feel like I have no choice because of the contract and lease agreement, if I would like to quit I would not be able to pay for it. The difference between the prices here and in my home country is double.
In addition, just know I’ve figured out that I will have to pay back some around 40% of my previous salaries as it might be there was some mistake and they paid me with the taxes, so now I don’t even know if I have the money I have.

As if that was not enough my father was diagnosed with cancer. He had his surgery but the doctors say that he might have only 5 years left.
I would actually have more to tell... But I don‘t think anyone will have the time to read all of this. So in case someone will read it, maybe you have some advice how to survive this time?
How to deal with the job I don‘t want? I feel like a freeze every single time when I get a new task and I think that I will not be able to do it. I had some issues with my manager, she did not think that I was performing too well, even though some projects were really successful. Also I was sick half of the time I was here, even though I still keep showing up at work, so that does not help either.
How to change my thinking? How to take the most of this experience? How to start liking this job?

Thank you in advance. Any advice is really much appreciated.

[hvert]

Can you consult with a lawyer to see if there is any way out of this contract? I think it would be worth paying a small fee for this information.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Olivija: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult situation. As hvert mentioned, it may be worth the time & expense to consult an attorney with regard to your legal obligations & options. I'm afraid that's in all likelihood about all any of us here on PC could say about that.

Beyond that, I hate to be obvious, but perhaps the best thing to do is to seek the services of a counselor or mental health therapist who can work with you, over time, & help you to come to some conclusions with regard to what you really want out of life & how you can get from where you are now to where you want to be.

What strikes me about your post is that you really don't know what you want. You mentioned that you "learned" 7 languages... but you don't know any of them really... just pieces. And now you're stuck in a job you dislike, in a country you don't like, & you're in a precarious financial situation.

This is not a matter of changing your thinking, or figuring how to like a job you really don't like... living in a country you dislike... away from friends & family. You can't magically transform yourself into someone you're not. What is needed here, in my opinion, is for you figure out what you really want in life, develop a concrete understanding of what your current situation is (perhaps by consulting with an attorney), & then coming up with a plan to get from where you are now to where you want to be. Otherwise you're just adrift, taking the blows as they come, & waiting for the next shoe to drop, so to speak. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean to be. But it is my perspective with regard to your situation as I understand it.

That said... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[seesaw]

I can't say anything The Skeezyks hasn't already said. Consult an attorney. See a therapist. Decide what you want in life. Make the change.

You will get through this.

Seesaw