[Rojola]

Not sure where to put this so I post it here.

I work with a female co-worker who exhibits the following personality traits. I'd like you to tell me how you would diagnose her and how should I interact when dealing with her. I will bullet point them for simplicity.

- Drives a prestigious model car. often looks down on those who drive common makes and models. She once commented that she went to see a house for sale and the was shocked that the Real Estate Agent didn't give her more respect because of the car she drove.

- Always dresses better than any other woman in the office with fashionable clothes and full make up, almost if she is trying to outdo others. Almost every day she has come to the office with a different designer coat on with the collar upturned as if she's trying to be a fashion diva or something.

- Aloof and condescending toward coworkers and clients. Not so often in parallel to where it alienates herself. If it was chronic we would hate her. Coworkers still like her because she is off and on. One of my friends at work overheard her saying to a client who walked in the door .. "Make it quick because I'm getting ready to leave work soon!"

- Walk up to her desk to ask her a question and she is curt, rude, harsh and dismissive.

- Ask her to include you in on something, give her a suggestion and she may quip: "Listen, I don't like to be bossed around!"

- I walked from the parking lot to the front door to our office. She drove in the lot as I was walking across and she didn't even slow down kept barreling though. I had to move out of her way.

- Very personable and giddy with the men in the office, and will often go up a male coworkers desk to socialize, laugh and giggle. It seems almost flirtatious in a way, even though she is married. Women have to come to her desk if they wish to socialize with her as she won't go out of her way to socialize with women.

- She enjoys talking about herself, her husband, her family. Sometimes it comes off as bragging and self centered. One time she was at my desk and she mentioned her husband had to wear a suit to formal event and she quipped .. "..Oh, and my husband looked soooo hot!". OMG I felt like I was gonna gag when I heard that. Please lady, please spare me.

...and on, and on, and on..

So what do you think? What is the best way to handle someone like that? Have you ever run into a person like that? Thanks for the help

[shezbut]

In my experience, no matter where I've worked or what I've done for a living: developing healthy relationships with my co-workers has always been challenging for me. I choose to focus on the customer ~ no matter what. That's my priority.

I bring this up because it took me years to recognize and understand that what's important to me isn't necessarily a big deal to those that I work with. I have accepted that it is reality. No matter where in the world I work, doing whatever, we are people. That's how people are. I think that grasping this bottom line is very basic, but it's also a key factor in getting the job done regardless of liking (or not liking) who you're working with. Know what I mean?

1.) You mention your co-worker having a lot of annoying character traits ~ never any fun to work with people that kind of get under your skin at times. That's when I remind myself to breathe, focus on my work, and just get the job done.

2.) Now, if I'm depending upon a person like that to do X, so I can do Y, otherwise I'm going to get in trouble with Z: then I take the situation differently. I've got to admit, I don't handle situations like that very well at all. That's when I take over X & Y and do most of it myself. That way I can rest assured that the job was done the way that I think it should be done. It adds to my load a lot ~ which obviously is not ideal. *sigh*

In my opinion, you ought to just let it roll off your back as much as you can. If you feel that she's taking center stage, and it's bugging you, try to focus on something else. Something completely different that's happening at the same time. Like: at an office party, when she's hooked up with a group of people, you can meet with a couple of people that aren't involved in the group and have your own totally different conversation. Don't make the conversation about her in any way. Just relax and talk about other things. Or, when your co-worker talks about how wonderful __ is: say, "That's great," and then change the topic or move onto talking with someone else. If the lady has to take over that conversation, walk away gently & breathe deeply.

It isn't easy. Now, hopefully someone will add more helpful ideas on how to handle situations like #2, because I know my way stinks. Sorry. Gentle hugs sent your way & best wishes to you at work!!

[Gojamadar]

Hi,
From your post I gather that she is not your "co-worker" but your boss! If not your boss at present, she is aiming to be in the near future.
It is up to you whether you have ambition to advance or be satisfied with where you are now. Diplomacy and discression is the the order of the day.
Generally indifference to her behaviour is the best for you.

It wouldn't be fair - and impossible - to diagnose this individual without both sides of view. Rememer too, 'Dr Google can diagnose anything from anything'. Being an egotistical ***** isn't neccesarily a mental illness. There are numerous reasons she could behave this way - something as a simple as poor parenting and rolemodeling comes first to mind.

I have worked with such rearsides and figured they have no clue about their walking over everyone and that they suffer - thanks to their idiot parents - from a severe case of entitlement.

How does she behave in group situations? Is she this way with everyone or a select few.

What you can control is your own reaction to this. Are you able to ignore or limit your interaction with her? Is there a Human Resources Department you can go to? If she is harrassing, I would go above her head.

[Misssy2]

The only advice I can give is AVOID her...and only act professional with her when you have to deal with her.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you should just limit your interaction with her.. to the bare minimum, if that's ok to you

[Rojola]

Thanks for the response so far. I'll answer some questions.

In group situations she tends to be a controlling diva. She can sometimes be curt to our boss.

Okay here is a type of mental game she plays. When I approach her to ask a work related question she's extremely harsh, abrasive, rude. Condescending comments like "What do you want?" "Make if quick I'm in a hurry!", "What are talking about?" Very dismissive.

The other day she had a little tirade and lit into me when I gave her a suggestion and she snapped.. "I don't like to told what to do!"

After her temper tantrum was over she became immediately over friendly with my other co-worker who witnessed it. Really befriending him. It was like she was trying to make it seem to the other co-worker ... See, look I'm not really a b***h look how overly nice I am to you!. It was weird, it was bizarre. She was acting like a stuck up spoiled brat, and a B***h.

When I first started working there she liked me and wasn't getting along with another female co worker(now their best work buddies), and when they'd have their spat, she would come over to my desk and be overly friendly to me.

So what to you call that in psychology when someone lashes out at one person and then immediately acts overly friendly to other person in the same room? Is she just twisted? A psycho? or deliberately playing a game? Is it part immaturity? Why do you think she treats people like cr*p, and talks down to them?

Interestingly, that same co-worker she "loved up to" after she lit into me has experienced her curt and condescending tone when he has approached her at her desk. He's even overheard her being rude to her client's.

[Shazerac]

There is really no way to know what is wrong with her. And you are probably wasting your time trying to figure her out. Avoid her when possible. If she "lights into you" for asking her a question tell her her behavior is innapropropiate and walk away. There is always gonna be the office jerk.

you really need to inform human resources or approach someone in authority

[Rojola]

The problem with HR is that their job is to protect the company interest. HR is not your friend and not an advocate for the employee. So if HR thought that she was more valuable to the company even if she was in the wong they could twist so I was in the wrong. I've seen this happen too many times. The only way I could be sure of a favorable, unbiased outcome with HR is to get a video recording of her behavior so there is no disputing fault. Once I had a video, I would go to my Boss first if that didn't work then HR.

What can a company do really if an employee is being a brat? Are there any laws being broken for being rude and curt to other employees? What grounds do I have for a case?

[Rojola]

UPDATE: That female co-worker apologized and said she overreacted. I'm sure the apology was sincere however I don't know how long before she strikes again. Reason being she became very chatty after that. During our conversation I could still sense underlying unsprung nervous tension. I noticed when a couple of my sentences were interrupted curtly and nervously. I don't know, I feel there is something about her that is not quite balanced.

How should I deal with this going forward?

Let me ask you all a question. If someone is addiced to pain medication such as Vicodin or Oxycotin, can this cause aggressive mood changes or psychotic episodes?

[seesaw]

From such limited information, it's hard to know what is going on with your co-worker. Yes, she sounds like a ***** and a judgmental person. But she's just your co-worker. As others have said, avoid her as much as possible and limit your contact with her. If you must work with her on something, keep it strictly professional and try to remember that her reactions and behaviors are a reflection of her problems, not yours. There is no reason you need to let them bother you.

Seesaw