[mmfood]

36/ M.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, as well as GAD. That's how I found this forum.

Sorry this is so long! My questions are at the end if you want to skip the life story.

Between the ages of 20 - 32 I had a full-time job because that's what I was supposed to do, right? Get a job, get out of my parents house, get a car, pay bills, blah blah blah. I went back to school when I turned 32. I didn't like my job and wanted to get my degree, in hopes that that piece of paper would help me find something better. It didn't, of course. I graduated with a liberal sciences degree, which led me right back to another job in the same exact field I was working in before college.

I lasted about three months in that job before depression set in. This was a job I could have made a career out of. They offered great benefits and paid me more money than I had ever seen before. There was a lot of upward movement, as well. Friends and family called it, "A perfect job for me." But the longer I worked for the company, the worse my depression became. I began having suicidal thoughts, began skipping work constantly using my "sick days" and mental health days, started spending more time crying in the bathroom than at my desk, and started seeing a therapist. The therapist didn't help much, though.

Why?

No matter what she said, or asked me to do, it never stopped this from happening: Every night before I went to bed I imagined what my future would look like if I remained in this job. I saw the money, the car, the new house, maybe even marriage and kids. I saw forty to sixty hours of my life every week taken by some job I didn't care about at all. And just seeing my self growing old like this depressed the hell out of me, and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. At all. Ever again. With ANY full-time job. I promised myself if I ever thought about killing myself again I'd quit my job. I turned in my two weeks a couple days later. I figured I would take some time off, not worry about work, and focus on stuff I want to do. Actions that make me happy. I began working out again, eating healthy, reading and drawing and writing. My days were NOT spent in front of the TV playing video games and / or watching Netflix. So I wasn't being lazy. I was working, namely, on my mental health and some passions of mine.

My depression lifted. I saw light. I didn't know what direction it was coming from, or what route I needed to take to get there, but it was there, for the first time since I was 20, it was there. I ran out of money pretty quickly though, so my mom let me move in with her temporarily. That was last year. She wants me to move out soon, because she thinks getting back out into the world would be good for me. And maybe I think so as well? Don't know. I feel my mentally stable, now, and I'm actually trying to publish a book I wrote. I have a part-time job I don't mind so much, either. I don't want to ruin how healthy I feel right now.

But, sadly, I can't survive on my own with just a part-time.

So the dread has returned. The depression as well.

I have a job offer. It pays well, and will help me get out of the house and on my own again.

But if the depression about even having a full time job again is already upon me, what happens when I'm actually working there? Will suicidal thoughts come back? If this my life now? Is this everyone's life? Just working until they die? How do people cope with it? I obviously can't, and it's scaring the **** out of me.

Is this all there is? Just work work work, with maybe little bits of light (like finding a significant other, or maybe a short story getting published) poking through? It sounds so miserable that I don't even want to be a part of it.

I want my life to belong to me. Not a company. Not a boss.

I feel so lost. I feel like I'm the only person to have these thoughts. Like I'm broken, and everyone around me is not. I read somewhere that close to 80% of people either dislike, or hate, their jobs. Then why do they do it? How do they do it without going insane?

Maybe this can all be worked out with a better therapist, I don't know. I just get a sick feeling in my stomach giving so much time to a job and being miserable when I could be happy, working on my mind, my body, and my book.

TLDR: I hate having a job. Is this all there is to life?

[Skeezyks]

Hello mm: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. There can be a lot of support available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

As to your quandary, I'm afraid all I can tell you, from personal experience, is that life is pretty-much exactly the drudge you are afraid it is. At least that was my experience. (I'm now pushing 70!) For most people I think that ends up being the way it is. That's not always the case though I don't believe. There are at least a few people who manage to make a career for themselves doing something they truly love! So it is certainly possible! But first you have to figure out what it is you'd truly love to do with your life, as well as what you are able to do.

We all have innate abilities, as well as limitations, that need to be taken into consideration when making these kinds of decisions. Perhaps taking another shot at some counseling or therapy might be helpful. The thing you have going for you at the moment is that you're single. If you marry & have a family before you establish yourself in some career you truly love, you really do become locked into that day-to-day grind you fear.

There is a wonderful book I always like to recommend when replying to posts along the lines of yours. It is: Let Your Life Speak- Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker J. Palmer, Jossey-Bass, 2000.

Good luck!

[reb569]

Originally Posted by mmfood

36/ M.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, as well as GAD. That's how I found this forum.

Sorry this is so long! My questions are at the end if you want to skip the life story.

Between the ages of 20 - 32 I had a full-time job because that's what I was supposed to do, right? Get a job, get out of my parents house, get a car, pay bills, blah blah blah. I went back to school when I turned 32. I didn't like my job and wanted to get my degree, in hopes that that piece of paper would help me find something better. It didn't, of course. I graduated with a liberal sciences degree, which led me right back to another job in the same exact field I was working in before college.

I lasted about three months in that job before depression set in. This was a job I could have made a career out of. They offered great benefits and paid me more money than I had ever seen before. There was a lot of upward movement, as well. Friends and family called it, "A perfect job for me." But the longer I worked for the company, the worse my depression became. I began having suicidal thoughts, began skipping work constantly using my "sick days" and mental health days, started spending more time crying in the bathroom than at my desk, and started seeing a therapist. The therapist didn't help much, though.

Why?

No matter what she said, or asked me to do, it never stopped this from happening: Every night before I went to bed I imagined what my future would look like if I remained in this job. I saw the money, the car, the new house, maybe even marriage and kids. I saw forty to sixty hours of my life every week taken by some job I didn't care about at all. And just seeing my self growing old like this depressed the hell out of me, and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. At all. Ever again. With ANY full-time job. I promised myself if I ever thought about killing myself again I'd quit my job. I turned in my two weeks a couple days later. I figured I would take some time off, not worry about work, and focus on stuff I want to do. Actions that make me happy. I began working out again, eating healthy, reading and drawing and writing. My days were NOT spent in front of the TV playing video games and / or watching Netflix. So I wasn't being lazy. I was working, namely, on my mental health and some passions of mine.

My depression lifted. I saw light. I didn't know what direction it was coming from, or what route I needed to take to get there, but it was there, for the first time since I was 20, it was there. I ran out of money pretty quickly though, so my mom let me move in with her temporarily. That was last year. She wants me to move out soon, because she thinks getting back out into the world would be good for me. And maybe I think so as well? Don't know. I feel my mentally stable, now, and I'm actually trying to publish a book I wrote. I have a part-time job I don't mind so much, either. I don't want to ruin how healthy I feel right now.

But, sadly, I can't survive on my own with just a part-time.

So the dread has returned. The depression as well.

I have a job offer. It pays well, and will help me get out of the house and on my own again.

But if the depression about even having a full time job again is already upon me, what happens when I'm actually working there? Will suicidal thoughts come back? If this my life now? Is this everyone's life? Just working until they die? How do people cope with it? I obviously can't, and it's scaring the **** out of me.

Is this all there is? Just work work work, with maybe little bits of light (like finding a significant other, or maybe a short story getting published) poking through? It sounds so miserable that I don't even want to be a part of it.

I want my life to belong to me. Not a company. Not a boss.

I feel so lost. I feel like I'm the only person to have these thoughts. Like I'm broken, and everyone around me is not. I read somewhere that close to 80% of people either dislike, or hate, their jobs. Then why do they do it? How do they do it without going insane?

Maybe this can all be worked out with a better therapist, I don't know. I just get a sick feeling in my stomach giving so much time to a job and being miserable when I could be happy, working on my mind, my body, and my book.

TLDR: I hate having a job. Is this all there is to life?

I have to say, unless you are independently wealthy or have a partner who can support you financially, work is a necessary evil.

Make sure you are doing stuff that you enjoy when you aren't at work, so that you have something to look forward to at the end of the day.

I wonder if you have looked at options for starting your own business?

[Molinit]

Let me be honest. Yes, unless you have a trust fund to live off, you will have to work at least full time (and I have THREE JOBS). Unless you know how to do something to generate income with your "passions" you'll be getting up every day and spending at least 8 hours at a job you probably don't like.

I'm curious, what did you think life would be? I ask because I come across this with people, they seem surprised that much of life is mundane and spent doing things we'd probably rather not do.

[Quarter life]

Hi mmfood.

For those who feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......Psych Central is the place. There are many good listeners here... we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for more than 3 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members also benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore. Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Please be kind & generous to yourself mmfood, and welcome to P.C

[ArchieAus]

You've worked it out pretty much . You go to school to train you to conform to becoming a debt slave and grinding out an existence making the elite 5 % of the world richer ... having said that ..it could be worse . Our conditions could be worse . Your gunna have to work or be one of those gifted and braves people that follow a dream and it pays off ... plenty follow a dream and crash and burn ... but anyway , for what's it's worth , you could accept the situation you are in , but never lose faith that you will triumph . Make a plan , go to work , save your money , enjoy the moments and days you have away from the job . Congratulate yourself on your victorys and hitting your targets . I'm 52 have hated every day of my 37 years of work ...but in 3 years I am going to self fund retire and do exactly what I want every day after that ... sometimes you have to join them to beat them ...play their game .. good luck , I hope you find the answer .

mmfood I'm in the same boat as you are. It's VERY depressing to be stuck in a rut in life (bad job, bad relationship, etc.). If you know that the 40 hour week in a corporate environment isn't for you, that's good news!

Now, there are practical changes you can make to your current lifestyle, to give you more financial freedom while you figure out what it IS that you were put on this earth to do:

1. Sell your house and live with a roommate. No mortgage means a lot more freedom. Or, stay in your house and rent out a room or two to roommates to help you cover your mortgage.

2. Sell your car if you've paid it off. Use public transportation. That cuts out the car payment, car insurance payment, cost of car repair and cost of gas. Buy a road bike and get in shape during the spring/summer/fall seasons instead of driving. Take the bus during the winter.

3. Read the book (from the library) "What Color Is Your Parachute?" Or a book that helps you uncover what your talents, skills, and interests are, and how you can combine those into making money. If you know you hate the corporate world, then choose a totally opposite industry (non profits, education, science, engineering, health and nutrition, real estate, finance, international marketing, etc.)

4. Decide to bite the bullet and work 1-2 part-time jobs. You can make ends meet this way if you downsize your lifestyle. Make your own meals instead of buying packaged foods. Apply for food stamps and medical assistance if you can. Walk instead of drive. Use the library for internet, and check out books instead of buying them. Get rid of your cable tv and internet and buy an antenna instead. That will save you money every month. You can always watch movies on your laptop or rent DVDs. But you need to downsize your monthly and weekly costs, while you are in this transition if you quit your job.

5. Do lots of informational interviews with people in different industries or jobs that you see yourself possibly doing. Email the person and ask them for an informational interview about their job. Hearing their perspective and the steps they took to get where they are, may help you figure out your own steps on your new path.

6. After you downsize, get roommates, etc. get some part-time jobs (lots of intelligent people do this, fyi), do your research and informational interviews, then you'll know what steps you need to take to achieve the kind of job that you really want. Hope this helps. It's what I"m doing right now. It's not easy, nor fun, but it's what I'm doing to work towards the job that I really want.

[seesaw]

I wonder if you can frame going back to work full-time in a different perspective in your head. You know what the grind is like, but you also know now that there is much more to life. Can you allow work as the necessary evil, but not make that your identity, and focus on the time you spend outside of work, and making the most of that time? Can you take the time to start over in a new field? If you are a writer, have you considered going into copy editing or grant writing or running social media/PR for a company? You may have to start over, but at least you'd be happy.

Can you do freelance work editing people's theses and papers (who are in school)?

Is there something you are passionate about that you can turn into your job or a business? For example, all of my schooling is in the fine arts. I was an artist and a dancer. Still am. But I couldn't pay the bills that way. Well, I was also an excellent writer. So I became employed full-time as a grant writer for a large museum and got benefits, a good salary, and made lots of connections in the art world as well. And I still got to dance, albeit scheduled around my work schedule) and create art. Now I actually do more work as an arts administrator than as an artist, but I love my work, even though sometimes it's really work.

There are definitely ways to turn your "work" into something that you can at least tolerate. You have to find something that you find in some way fulfilling. You don't have to be changing the world...but for example, if you worked in retail, it could be that you love working with fashion and helping people find a great outfit that makes them feel confident. If you are in accounting, maybe it's that you enjoy helping your company stay in the black and be fiscally responsible. If you're in banking, maybe you enjoy and feel fulfilled by the community grants that your bank gives to local nonprofits? My dad works for Lockheed Martin. He wanted to be a pilot, even got his pilot's license. He had previously been a flight engineer for a major airline, and he was in the Air Force. Lockheed wasn't his dream job, but now he manufactures the airplanes that the Air Force and major airlines use and he feels very fulfilled by being a part of the air transportation industry. He loves his work and that he's good at it and regarded very highly as a trainer and manager. It's not what he originally intended for himself, but he has been able to frame it in a positive, fulfilling light.

How can you do that for yourself? Otherwise, all work is drudgery. It's often about our own attitude towards the work. (Often, not always. There are always toxic work environments, politics, and drama that can make a work place unbearable.)

Seesaw