[JMia30]

Hello! I am a 33 year old female. I was diagnosed with ADD and depression sense I was in middle school. I was off and on Ritalin and Prozac up through high school... I don't remember much difference or consistence.
I recently had a life threatening and changing experience and came to the realization I need to get my ***** together. Not drug related BTW, (although Ive been known to have binges but never addictions).... I have always suffered from major anxiety, mood swings, insomnia, debilitating depression (which makes it difficult for me to do even the simplest daily tasks) isolation, to tumultuous relationships.. I could go on.
I finally went to the doctor and he diagnosed me and is treating for ADD he also said he wants to get me on meds for depression too after he gets my ADD and focus under control. I am currently on Adderall 30mg IR 1xdaily and 20 IR1xdaily. I have been the most productive and excited I have ever been.... its been great Ive felt mostly.... Up until recently, now being at a major low.
I have just come to the realization I have been having (what I now believe when looking back) multiple psychotic breaks sense the life threatening experience and really treatment as well...they are in such close relation... It started (from what I can think back to) at home which I still constantly think about and wonder about to now seeping majorly into my work life.......
From minor interactions with co-workers & customers and/or comments being misconstrued by myself to now major conspiracies theories of co-workers against me and plotting against me in multiple scenarios....
My realization coming from a conversation I had with my boss that brought me back to reality and made me question my reality. I don't think they really know... I keep much to myself but I'm sure I act different as these situations are going on in my head...
Each of these episodes include panic attacks, racing thoughts, major ups and downs that can be back to back in quick succession and change with just a though, insomnia, paranoia....
I'm really messed up about this... I'm trying to keep this all in so I don't loose my job!! But this is terrifying!! I have told nobody yet... I know I need to talk to my Doc... Honestly I'm so scared to going back to the person I used to be but also terrified of what I'm becoming and could be..... Hoping with my realization I will now question and be able to control my thought and what I believe to be my realities, but also worried I could get lost in them.....
Any advise? Thoughts? Experences? Would be majorly appreciated... Totally lost and alone in this

[Skeezyks]

Hello JMia: I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I see this is your first post here on PC. So...welcome to PsychCentral! I don't really have anything in the way of advice for you. I don't recall you mentioning whether or not you see a therapist in addition to your doc. If not, that may might be something that would be important to consider. I would think it would be important to have someone irl with whom you can talk through all of this on an ongoing basis.

Posting here on PC can help too. There can be a lot of support available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. And, in addition, there are the chatrooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting! My best wishes to you.

[JMia30]

It is my first... Happy to have stumbled upon this place! Thank you for the response! I am not seeing a therapist... But something I have considered for a very long time now... I think this is the final straw... I appreciate your time! -Jess

[seesaw]

Hi JMia... I know what you are going through. I have worked full-time with depression and PTSD, and paranoia and psychoses have often affected me in the workplace. If there's anything I can do, it's to help you learn from my mistakes. This really sucks, but do NOT tell anyone at your job about your problems. I have found that co-workers turn really fast, they are not your friends (no matter how nice they seem) and they will use it against you. If you need time off for medical treatment, go to HR, be as vague as possible, even get a letter from your doctor, but do NOT put in it a diagnosis. Just have the doctor write that you need to take a short medical leave for treatment of a diagnosed condition, and leave it at that. If HR wants further documentation, then you can disclose to them, but DO NOT disclose to your colleagues or your boss. Even request so far that HR keeps the condition to themselves in writing.

Your employer will want to protect themselves from any liability. Use your sick days if you need to when your depression or psychosis is bad, but do NOT disclose unless there is no other choice.

It's sad that we have to live with this stigma, but that's the way it is right now, so if you want to keep your job safe, keep it to yourself as much as possible. Find other outlets for support, like coming here to Psych Central or talking with your doctor or therapist.

Good luck,
Seesaw