[ArcheM]

As I procrastinate my time away in front of a work task that I loathe (as pretty much the entirety of this job at this point), I keep repeating in my head that I could be doing much better things with my time, if I could afford it.

I recently started writing a story. But I've proven to be much better at abandoning stories than finishing them. And nowadays every other person seems to be an author, so it feels like stories are kind of worthless.

I've got a video game in initial stages. Pretty much the same points apply. Everybody makes them, and I'm bad at finishing things.

I could be writing music. I have at least some history of finishing things in this area, but financially music is pretty much worthless nowadays (unless you're with a big label or insanely successful - which I can't imagine myself being). And if it's possible, music is in even greater surplus than books or videogames.

I also expect that I would be studying things, mostly foreign languages, anyway. Which is, I guess, just another drain on resources that could be used elsewhere.

I think that's about all the things that I care about. Which really kind of makes me look like a waste of space.

I mean, don't misunderstand me, I'm going to continue doing these things in my free time, but at the rate this is going, even if I miraculously keep up my motivation, nothing is going to get finished earlier than in about 5 years... Which is a time that I don't think this job is even going to exist.

Well, there's nothing else to do - things that I care about are worthless to other people, but at least they amuse me sometimes.

[Revu2]

Hi ArcheM, I know this toggle of attention. If I may rephrase it: I might try to finish something, but what's the use because it is not likely to gain me wide acceptance, fame, or money.

When I'm in such a state I have this list of options:

• allow others to help frame my motivation and thus how I complete things. This need not be a "boss" or organization, it could be a team of peers.
• keep focus on one thing and get it done and watch carefully what that requires. Never mind future rewards or what others think for now.
• my work is to complete things, acceptance, etc. is out of my hands anyway. (Stoicism, the philosophy, holds this. Emerson also notes in his essay Experience that the individual always gets it wrong. In other words, we don't know). This particular idea got me through grad school which required lots of papers. My work was to draft the paper, organize it well, cite like crazy, check for spelling etc. and turn it in. The "quality" of it was for my reader's to decide. Liberation!
• keep drifting and abandoning, as this might be seeding some mysterious next stage I can't guess yet.

Revu2

[ArcheM]

I quite honestly realized that my hobbies are completely worthless to other people... I don't know if it makes sense... It feels kind of hollow.

I mean, I'd enjoy it for my own sake, but for it I have to continue getting tortured by doing things for which someone else has assigned some minimum worth... I think I'm making $200-300 this month... It doesn't have the same value in Russia, but still... Hey, although if I've counted right I shouldn't completely run out next month, so maybe it's not all so bleak...

[Revu2]

Hi ArcheM,

Around the time I turned 25 I had the deepest depression up till then in my life. Totally felt at bottom and trapped. I sense maybe a similar befuddlement in your complaints?

In the past month I've read Emerson's "Experience" essay a couple of times. This is almost a combative piece as he pushed back against the "facts" and calculations of "science" to rouse readers' appreciation of their inner creator.

It's worth a read. I'll share a few snippets under a few "tips" [my heading in bold red, Emerson's text in blue]:

Respect the Call
Into every intelligence there is a door which is never closed, through which the creator passes.

A Step may be to give yourself some Slack
We do not know today whether we are busy or idle. In times when we thought ourselves indolent, we have afterwards discovered, that much was accomplished, and much was begun in us.

Prepare for Surprising Jumps
All good conversation, manners, and action, come from a spontaneity which forgets usages, and makes the moment great. Nature hates calculators; her methods are saltatory and impulsive.

Put up a Sturdy Wall of “No!” to Diversions and Distractions
A preoccupied attention is the only answer to the importunate frivolity of other people: an attention, and to an aim which makes their wants frivolous. Adrastia, "that every soul which had acquired any truth, should be safe from harm until another period."

Stepping towards your Goal will Lead You to New Places
The individual is always mistaken. [They] designed many things, and drew in other persons as coadjutors, quarrelled with some or all, blundered much, and something is done; all are a little advanced, but the individual is always mistaken. It turns out somewhat new, and very unlike what [they] promised [themselves].

Revu2

[ArcheM]

I'll be honest, I didn't understand it all. But I think I pretty much apply that intuitively at this point. At least when I'm left to my own devices. It took me a while to find approaches that work, such as long walks as idea generators... And then other people destroy it all. (Mainly about my job, I guess.)

[Revu2]

HI ArcheM,

Keep us posted.
R

[ArcheM]

I don't know if you've seen the other thread, but at this point what keeps me going pretty much is that based on my research my chosen method of suicide is likely to be way more painful than what I'm comfortable with (if that's the word)... I guess I'll look for a job instead. It doesn't matter anyway.