[Posey23]

I will try to keep this as concise as possible, but it is a long story. I’ve had debilitating depression and anxiety since I was 8. It has affected every part of my life.
I was never the smartest, or cleverest, but I work so hard and put in maximum effort. This worked in elementary, and high school and caused me to get good grades. Then I went to college and suddenly the end result was what mattered, not how hard you worked.
My depression and anxiety were untreated at this time and I started having panic attacks and general freakibg out. Along with other things, this led me to quit on my dream of becoming a graphic designer and switch to a less stressful major.
After college I applied to jobs for a year and only got one interview, and didn’t get that job. Through a volunteer experience I realized I loved working with kids. So I went back to school and got my masters in elementary education.
I wanted to start working as soon as possible so I did the program in a year, when it usually takes a year and a half to two years. This is not a source of pride because I broke myself doing this. I cried everyday and had panic attacks. I dropped 2 pants sizes from stress. My therapist had me go be an outpatient at a hospital bc I was so depressed and anxious.
I graduated with my masters... and didn’t get a job. So I started subbing, I finally got a job long term subbibg in my dream school. The pressure was too much and once again I cried everyday and freaked out. Needless to say, I wasn’t hired at that school after subbing.
4 years after graduating with my masters I finally got a job last year teaching second grade at a private school. I enjoyed it.. and then shortly after Christmas we found out the school was closing permanently at the end of the year. The thought of looking for a job yet again made me lose it. My therapist sent me to a more intensive outpatient program this past summer.
I got a job a week before school started this year at another private school. I was completely unprepared, the place was a mess, and i could feel myself slipping back into a severely, and dangerously, depressed place. I had to quit for my health.
I’m now working a dead end job and really struggling. I regret all my choices, starting with quitting graphic design. I don’t have the money to go back to school AGAIN. My mental illness has robbed me of my potential and sabotaged my chances. I feel trapped and like my future is written and this is it. I don’t trust nysekf bexause I keep making poor choices and mistakes.
Anybody else had to quit teaching? Anybody have their career taken away because they were sick? I wish I could start my life over.

[Aviza]

I can't be the successfil career person because of what stress does to me. I have made so many bad choices in life i was just reflecting on on them. And how different my life would be. My son would be alive my daughter would be in my car, i would have a home of my own but i made bad decisions that cost all of it.

I'm sorry for your troubles. Focus on treatment, get to a place of security mentally. Than try again with your goals. You were rushing yourself, take your time there is no rush. I made a bad decision after graduation and thus have no experience in my field of study. Can't get a job in my field.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I commend you on the progress you've made thus far! You should not be so hard on yourself. It took me 9 years to complete my Bachelors degree after I dropped out of college. I've quit jobs for no reason, got fired, and currently live with my mom. To return to graduate school in spite of your anxiety is amazing.

Also, although it doesn't seem like it, as a teacher there was a very good chance you made a positive impact with your students. If you truly loved working with them, I believe they would have received that and appreciated that. And from what it sounds like, you weren't fired. Yes, some of your resignations were due to anxiety and depression. But that wasn't true in some cases. If a school closed down, that had nothing to do with you. I mention this because from what you've written, it sounds like you were an amazing teacher in need of a way to manage your MI while still doing what you were good at.

You've accrued experience, have a college education, and are probably way more skilled and talented than you think.

I agree with Aviza that you should prioritize your MH, get the help you need, and when you feel secure formalize a life plan for yourself where you can develop your career with your MI in mind.

I'm right there with you - I don't trust myself to make the right career choices. and I'm only now learning the process of forgiving myself. In previous threads on this forum I've shared my goals, but I have to be honest about what I can handle and be okay with it. I look at my resume and find despite what I want, I've done well in the restaurant business. If it can afford me the opportunity to get what I really need (time and resources for therapy, self-care, etc) that that's okay. When I approach it this way, I feel less anxious. BUT I still need to seek therapy in order to thrive. It's not about success, it's about thriving and giving myself every chance I can to get better.

You have teaching experience. If you can find a less intensive way to hone your design skills, you could combine these skills and teach others how to design stuff like notecards. diaries, etc. You can even do this online or offer your services through a rec-center program or a website like Skillshare. You can even conduct a small workshop where you teach youngsters graphic design techniques so they can create their own fun stuff. You have plenty of options at your disposal. Just make sure you take care of yourself first, be honest with yourself about what you need, and be okay with the process.