new job / narcissist owner / boss

I wanted an opinion regarding interaction with a narcissist owner / boss of restaurant i've worked at for a few months
Pretty classic case study from what i know about narcissist personality disorder .

He's raged at me once ; over reacting to a common issue at work .
Everyone i work with / all my co-workers i find over-compensate ( with kindness and positive energy )
from bonding over the owner and his wife's drama .
( no one has issues with each other ; everyone has issues with the foolishness and chaos the owner couple create )

Things came to a head this month after another time when he came to me with parts for a wheel that needs changing which he assumed i would do ( the head chef has been doing ' fix it ' sort of things and im less proficient with fix it projects that i haven't done before )

so looking straight into his eyes as he brought the pieces up to explain to me i cut him off and said " I don't do fix it things "

I'm fairly empathetic and a good gut reaction reader of body language and i sensed him boiling inside despite him trying to keep it together . I basically told a narcissist NO ...

So he proceeded to go to the line ( cooks area ) during their first rush of the night , pieces in hand .... explaining to the chef ( who didn't have time to listen ) what he was going to tell me .... following it up with APPARENTLY DOUG DOESN'T DO FIX IT THINGS for everyone to hear ....

No surprise . So anyway that evening i spoke to the chef ( kitchen manager ) and General manager on the possibility of having the owner filtering any issue regarding my duties through them to tell me

- im not used to a micro managing owner raging issues with me randomly ...

they thought it was a good idea ... but having a sit down a day later with the owner and gm ...

of course the issue was he spots something he's going to address it ( and the issue was dropped )

AND his issue with me is i don't greet him warmly enough when i arrive at work
AND i have great work ethic and detail but i need to slow down / slow down ( regarding an issue where something broke )

So it really became an issue about me .. and how im wrong of course ... he's not the problem / im the problem .

My main question is .... and it may seem trivial but he calls me ' brother ' every day ... and sometimes buts a hand on my shoulder or back

I'm gay and he's married / hetero ... so it's not a sexual uncomfortable .

It's more I no longer trust him and don't feel comfortable with the intimate fakeness he sets up so he can
later be abusive again .

I want to tell him ( in a calm direct manner ) I prefer he addresses me as Patrick / not brother
And i prefer he not touch me .

If i were to tell him i imagine it would be best to tell him in his office , with no one else around . Correct ?

Another scenario to send the same message could be next time he call me brother i say ' my name is patrick '
and slink away when he touches me again .

It seems to be this would be another way to show i stand up for myself / will fight back if he's intimidating ..

At this point i'm already thinking about quitting some time in the future ( more long term ) but it gives me more strength
as his power over everyone is HE signs the cheques .

All my co-workers are very sypathetic and bonded over this issue so that also gives me strength .

name and touch ... should i or shouldn't i address ? opinions ?

The only solution I have come up with is finding another job. In the meantime document what the person is doing, and who else was around when he is doing things you know are not right. By the way, in my opinion, you are likely the sacrificial lamb in this situation. Once you go, another will take your place. That is why everyone else seems so chill.

Thanks i appreciate your insight ; that's what i was thinking as well .
Better to set an approximate time i may quit ( a year ) See how things go
Suck it up and kiss his *** and not cause waves ; co-workers are a good support system there ... they are all positive vibe and we all talk **** amongst ourselves about how dumb all that foolishness is ..

Just have to share this story with you...

Many years ago, when my toolbox was 99% empty, I had a fellow I despised who called my 'brother' all the time. Finally I snapped and wheeled on him saying, "I swear to god, you call me brother one more time and I'm gonna be an only child!"

Fortunately, we were in a group of people at the time who thought that was so monumentally funny that the laughter kind of broke the tension.

I'm not sure about the issue with touching. some people are naturally that way and others are not. sounds like a minor issue unless it is literally sexual harassment type touching and I get the feeling it's not. Yes I agree that addressing it with him in a normal matter of fact way...




I do not feel that his calling you brother is intentionally offensive and because you seem to have other issues with his ways of running his place, it comes off as more offensive to you than it might be with someone you liked. This too is something that should be done directly with the person that is offending you.

I do tend to agree if you are butting heads with the owner of the shop it may be a good idea to find a place where you get along with the people in charge and in ownership because no matter what the head of the place IS the owner. And you're not going ot change his ways similarly to anyone else outside of you. So moving on or adjusting your own behavior or perspective is the only real options here

Honestly I don't see anything in what you've said as grounds for any serious opposition from you just minor occurences.

>>>>>> Thanks for responding ...
Yea ... i see the brother thing as his way of prepping me for narcissistic abuse ( they often want to make you feel as though your close to them as family ) so i've come to find it offensive and intrusive ..

But I've decided to just go with it and submit to the humiliation of his kind of ' control ' he needs to feel with his disorder ...

and im giving myself a time table to when ill start looking for another job ...

thanks for your opinion ...