Career Failure

I would just like to talk about something that is on my mind constantly.

I was in a job I loved. A dream job, one I worked hard for years to get. It gave me confidence, a sense that I was doing something right, made me feel like I was taking great care of my family. It had great benefits, cheap health insurance, a pension, 401k matching, a yearly bonus of at least 10% of our salary(it was usually higher).

As I said I worked hard to get that job and performed exceptionally well with basically no budget or resources. I got great reviews, promotions and raises and respect from co-workers.. all the things to make you feel you are a valued employee. It was great.

Then things changed as they always do. Things got bad pretty quickly. See I was on the cusp of getting a major project. One that would allow me to show the higher ups what I could really do. I knew if I got this project it would shore up my place in the company till about the time of my retirement. I was excited. Everyone I worked with assumed I was going to get it since I was the best at that role.

But I didn’t get it. In short, It was given to a guy with no experience but had the backing of a friend who was at the executive level. The guy asked for it and the friend delivered. I initially thought that the guy would quickly be in over his head and bring me in to help, but the executive gave him a monster budget surrounded him with project managers and helpers and even allowed him to bring in a group of consultants to work on the project with him. I tried to be nice and offer my help since I wanted to be involved but the guy wouldn’t let me anywhere near the project. I guess he felt threatened by my experience.

It was a bad slow track down from there.. i was uninvited to meetings, left out of the loop on things I was normally told about. People would come up to me in the elevator lobby or ask me in meetings, "Hey how are you doing on that big project?" assuming (I said earlier) that I was by far the best person for the role. They didn’t know any better but it was like rubbing salt in my wounds.

After about 6 months I started to get the feeling I was on the chopping block. The company was starting a reorganization process and was evaluating its workforce. They didn’t assign me to any new tasks or roles and the project the guy was working on made my role obsolete. I was tailored made for a layoff at that point. Day after day my anxiety and worry got worse and worse. I often would have to go sit in my car or talk walks during lunch to calm myself down. I was afraid I was going to have a complete panic attack right there in the office.

But I didn’t just sit and wait, I had meetings, talked with managers, got myself involved in other projects, anything to add value to my job but it wasnt enough. I even had meeting with the guy in person to try to figure out how I could get involved... he would just agree to help and then didn’t. I also went back to college to get a degree in the filed I was working in. I really tried.

In October of 2016, after 10 years with the company I was laid off with about 300 other people. I saw it coming but was devastated anyway. I was told the company had a plan for the future, I wasnt part of it and was walked out the door by security. I wasn’t even allowed to go back to my desk to get my things (they were later mailed to me in a box).

I spent the next two months looking for a job, during this time cobra and our expenses nearly drained our emergency fund but I found a job, even though it was not what I wanted to do, it paid about what I was making hourly and they said they had two year worth of work.

Six months later, they laid me of as well. So i takes another three months to find a job, by this time my emergency fund is gone and im starting to sink finacially. The new job is no where near what I want to do and it pays about 20% less than what I was making before. Add to the fact that the health insurance was 3x more expensive I was making even less. So I started a slow spiral into bankruptcy.

I have now been at the job 10 months and after a series of financial setbacks (home repairs, child surgery etc) I have just filed for Bankruptcy.

I feel like a complete failure.

I keep look for opportunities like I had before but my position at the company was so specialized that most places don’t know what to do with me. I keep getting rejected time and time again.

I know I’m done in that type of role, I keep fighting, clawing trying to keep hope that things will turn around but I just know in my gut that was the best it’s going to get for me. It’s getting close to two years since I was let go and I know the further way that experience gets, the less of a chance ill have of doing it again.

I fantasize about being a success story, things turning around and being better than they were.. having a better job, making more money.. you know how the story goes...

But I fear I am becoming a cautionary tale, of how things can go wrong, a "don’t end up like that guy" type of example.

I want to believe that things will improve, I really do. But I am starting to feel that the hope just keeps setting me up for disappointment. Kind of like the fighter that is down on the mat but keeps getting back up only to get knocked down again... at some point people start to say, "Give up!, just stay down"

The worst part is I can’t stop ruminating about it. I go over it again and again in my head. I have mock conversations with people about it, act like I’m in a room and am given a chance to explain myself. I’m tearing myself apart at times over it. My anxiety and depression only make it worse.

Anyway, I’ll stop for now as my hands are getting tired from typing. Thanks for reading this far if you’ve made it.

Thanks for sharing this here on PC. I'm sorry you've had to endure this series of distressing experiences. My own employment experiences were different from yours. (I'll spare you the details!) But I have also had difficulty with rumination as well as "mock conversations"... that sort of thing. Thankfully, in my case, I'm now well into my retirement years. So it's all behind me now. But I think I have some sense of what you're going through, at least emotionally.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to cope with rumination:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ru...d-how-to-stop/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-tips...sts_position=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-mind...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...s-and-anxiety/

I wish you well...

Hi, SouthernMan. I read your whole post and am glad you wrote it. I don't pretend to understand all your disappointments, but you're definitely not a failure. These are hard times, and nobody can prepare for every possibility. PC is a good place to write about these things...you'll get support here.

Hi SouthernMan. I’m so sorry you’ve had such terrible experiences in your career. Every day I see how unfair the work field is. The best people seem to just get stepped on and ran off. Hang in there and don’t lose hope. I think this will be a good place for you to express and work through all your thoughts and feelings about all of this.

Thanks for the replies and links and thanks for being willing to listen. I'm sure it can be tough reading about negative thing all the time but again, thanks!

Ruminating on things has always been an issue for me. Basically anything that happens to me that I cant fix, I get, well, fixated on.

I tell myself that if I only cant get XXX then things will be better. In the case of this post, it happens to be a job or position that proves that I am not a failure. I need to learn to let that go bc that may never happen.

To add to it I have a "why me" complex.

For an example that relates to this post:

I had a coworker that fretted openly for about 3 months that he was afraid someone was after his job. He made it through the situation, and even got a promotion out if it.

I have a brother in law, that was afraid he was about to get laid off from his job, when 'the call' came it ended up being for a promotion and a raise.

My wife has a friend who's husband hated his job. Long story short, he has a new one making 20k more a year now.

Then I come along, where is my happy ending? I was the guy who's job was actually unfairly taken from him, I was the guy that actually got laid off, I was the guy who doesn't like the job he is in but cant find one better (I'm told I'm lucky to even to have this one making what little i do).

Its a tough spot in my life right now for sure.

Hang in there dude. Life can surprise you in good ways too sometimes.

I know what you mean about other people seeming to get all the good breaks and the amazing deals. I've often complained to myself or others about that.
Similar to my current circumstances, about 10 years ago I was 'let go' from a job because me and a team mate butted heads constantly. I was making good money there and we have bought a house the year prior. I had to take a crappy job and a big pay cut just to keep working. The boss in that new job was an egotistical prick. And my coworker was a joke. It was tense. But I kept applying to jobs. I had to practically beg for an interview at one place and they finally met with me. Then I got hire there. I was down 20k from what I used to make but I was in a productive environment again. It did wonders for my life. And that momentum snowballed. I ended up getting promoted once a year for the next 5 years. I was back to my previous salary after 3 years. I got into a more lucrative position in that 5th year with the company making double what I started making. And this is coming from a guy who has HSP, Bipolar 2, adhd, extreme social anxiety, rumination, and sometimes paranoia.
My point is keep looking up. You will find good work again and it could take you farther than you were at your highest before.
I hate to tell you what to do, but its really true that working out helps a ton with anxiety and depression. When I do daily walks I'm much happier. Also don't be afraid of meds. The right med at the right dose can help you immensely. I recently started taking rexulti and HOLY SH$TE, my motivation and overall 'with-it'ness is higher than it's been in years.
Also keep writing on this forum. It's good therapy.