I Dread Work... I Miss my Former Life

Thanks, Seesaw -- I did think of that, too. Plus, I really should be earning what I am earning now, market-wise. It would be a huge drop, but it cannot hurt to ask the old company anyways, & without mentioning salary. Thanks again for your input - it helps!

SO, after thinking about it a lot more, I don't think I will ask for my old job back.

I made it to a senior level position somehow and think I can grow into this role over time. Why go backwards when I worked so hard for so long to move forward? I haven't felt like I deserve my senior title, and I am sure my colleagues are wondering the same thing, but If I can grow into the role, then I deserve it, right?

And to go backwards by 20K, that's a huge amount! I was underpaid for three years recently and it really bothered me and made me upset.

And who is to say that I would like a full-time position with the old company? There wasn't enough collaboration, I was mainly left on my own to work the part time hours that I did, so who is to say that full time would be healthy and happy for me?

The other day in my new job I collaborated with team members on troubleshooting an issue, and I have to admit, it was SO nice to collaborate!!! I haven't had much of that over the years and it helped immensely!!!!

Plus, I now have that huge client I was so scared of, I was doing their monthly report on Friday, and I noticed something that could vastly improve their website traffic.

So I do have some strengths. I saw an opportunity that my more junior level colleague hadn't noticed yet and he's been working on this account for the last year. I mean, I knew this about myself, but I'm just not confident enough.

So, I guess I am saying I am gaining my sea legs in this role a little more and perhaps a little more confidence too.

AND, IF I want to go into editorial work, perhaps there's a way develop that skill further within my current role and use it as a stepping stone?

The first month of this job felt like pure HELL, but I think it's slowly getting better. Dare I say I am feeling a wee bit more positive? I think I am.

Awesome progress.

Thanks Divine!

So.... news! I passed the Analytics exam today with a 97%!!!! I got 2/70 wrong, not bad! YAY!!!!!

Interesting and wonderful! I was just going to ask you how that group test went. Guess you know lots more than you thought! Congrats!!!

Thanks!!

Wow. That is fantastic. Well done!

Thanks so much, Purple!!!

Happy for you, Eve. Well done and good job.

Ps: You have inspired me and given me hope.

Arg....I will say it quietly.... "I told you so...."

I never doubted you would settle into the role. You are bright and capable. The doubt is just in your head. Turn that inner critic off. He ain't helping you.

Good job and congrats.

TY, and awesome! I am glad!

Thanks! You were right. BUT this was just a test.... I still have that inner critic and strong doubt inside going on about the role. However, that being said, my acing this test helps!

So, I've learned that whenever I talk to one manager, that whatever I say behind closed doors is said to another manager. These people talk a lot! GEEZ. One minute, I'm confessing that I lack some confidence to one director, and my boss is then talking to me about having confidence with clients. Good Lord.

I woke up this morning feeling depressed that I have to go to work. Each day this week has been super hard, but I've managed to get through it.

The one thing that is keeping me going? Knowing how much money I've made for the day. That's about it. How sad is that.

Of course they talk. This kind of stuff isn’t confidential. It’s in the company’s interests to make sure job is done, that’s about it. It’s wise not to tell management that you lack confidence or knowledge. They aren’t your friends. Why confessing to them? Now if you need help with lack of knowledge or confidence then it’s ok to tell management, but you can’t expect it to be a secret. It’s honestly much better to share with friends/significant other/therapist. Not your superiors.

Eve,
I just started reading this thread, so I'm sorry if someone else has suggested this. It might help you to look up "Impostor Syndrome". I have the same doubts, and I think my doubts are justified, but I am told frequently that they are not. It's really painful and anxiety-producing to feel unqualified for a job. I keep waiting for someone to figure me out. I'm glad your job is less stressful.

Thanks, Divine. Yes, I told one of the directors that I lack confidence sometimes. I think that's OK though. I do need help with that. I am willing to admit where I am weak, and they are a company that wants to see me be successful. That same director came over to me after the exam and said, you got the highest grade in the group, so next time you lack confidence, remember that.

Thank you. I have read about imposter syndrome and I do match the characteristics. Some of my thoughts match reality and some do not. Thing is, I keep proving myself with every project and new challenge, so I am doing well at work despite my greatest fears and worries. My boss says I am doing a good job all around, and asked for my help coming up with improved strategies for a client. I think he trusts me.

I agree it’s ok, you just seemed surprised that they are talking to each other and you were upset and depressed before going to work because they talked about you. I am just telling you that you can’t expect management to keep it confidential. It’s ok to share with them, but be prepared that they will talk to each other about you.

Good for you! Sometimes it is difficult to overcome self-doubt, so I am glad that you are getting there.

I wasn't upset and depressed they were talking about me. But I had forgotten what it's like working for a small family like company. They talk.

Thank you!

Update:

Well, peeps, I made it over the initial hump of challenges! Things are far better for me at work, I feel much more comfortable, I am succeeding, and all is good. I still dread work each day and especially on Mondays, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

The next challenge to overcome are my first client meetings. But at least I made it through the hardest part so far --- that first month-six weeks was pure hell for me.

Thank you all so much for you all your support!!! I could not have made it through without all the encouragement I received here. I am really grateful to all of you for all your positive words and encouragement. Thank you.

Ok... So, I was roped last minute into my first client meeting today, very unexpectedly. I only introduced myself and did not contribute a single word throughout the whole 1.5 hour meeting. I knew this would be the next big challenge... client meetings in front of all my teammates. I ALMOST chimed in, then the CEO started talking and I lost my opportunity. ARGH. I just didn't want to speak without knowing, and especially about strategy, and I had little time to review their website before the meeting... argh. I felt really stupid, and I know my boss wanted me to say more than I did.

So... what does this say? Plenty of more challenges ahead!!!

i need to vent.

I am actually kind of perturbed about what happened yesterday at work, which then ended up embarrassing and humiliating me in front of a room of 12 people. My company didn't tell me that this was my new client. They did not tell me I would have to introduce myself in the meeting & to the whole group as the strategist on the account. So I fumbled through my introduction, saying I wasn't sure, but I think my role is to provide the strategy on the account, then I launched into an explanation of my background since I'm new to the company, and well, I fumbled through it and felt embarrassed.

After work, I got mad about it. My boss didn't forewarn me. He only just said do you wanna come to this kickoff meeting, and it will be a fact finding mission on our part. He never told me I would have to introduce myself. Neither did the CEO, with whom I rode in the car to the meeting.

ARGH -- and now today, I am under a quick turnaround pressure cooker to turn in to this same company our recommendations for work we can do for them, when I barely have enough time, and when I can barely make sense of my notes. It's a bank.

I am NOT happy. The honeymoon period is over with this company and I don't like the way they run things. I was invited to this meeting very last minute, in the very morning of the meeting. I won't leave my job, but I am seeing things I did not know before.