I Dread Work... I Miss my Former Life

Thank you, everyone!

Yes, the paychecks will help.

Giving myself a month or more and then seeing how I feel is a good idea, thank you.

All I know is right now, I dread work, I hate this, and I wish I could go back in time and make a different decision. UGH. Problem is, I can't quit, I can't go back to the old job. What's done is done. I have to deal with this the best I can.

An old therapist used to tell me "fake it 'til you make it".

Guess that's what I have to do here. Totally fake it. Fake smile, fake enthusiasm, fake confidence, and pretend I have no fear and no anxiety, even though my fears and anxieties are eating me alive right now.

I am a mess. Just came back from an awesome weekend and the last thing I want to do is head into the office for more of this.

So, it's the end of my third week and I am SO exhausted.

I've decided that truly the saying, "ignorance is bliss", applies to my work situation. I was successful before without knowing all these other highly technical details.

I think I am in the wrong position and field, is my other conclusion. I hate the technical aspects of my work, I am not good at it, and there are many highly technical aspects to what I need to learn and do. And I am great at analysis, but not so much at data analysis.

I have fudged my way through my career all these years, working primarily on my own and did just fine knowing what I knew. But now I have to learn technical crap.

I want out of this position and field, I think. So, now I have to start thinking about what I DO want to do. I will stay within digital marketing and want to apply the knowledge I've gained but perhaps move into a different niche within digital marketing.

And now I have to leave for work.... one more day until two days of blissful freedom, though tomorrow I will study up on my field so that I can be successful in this job. GRRRRR.

So there's my rant for the morning!!!! GRRR..... ARGH... GRRRR.....

Perhaps you are in the wrong field, yet still...I think you haven't had enough time to get used to the transition.

When I came off of SSDI and went back to work full-time, it was literally 6 months before I stopped dreading going to work, didn't have to take lunchtime nap, and didn't feel like I was in a total brain fog at every meeting.

I literally crashed onto my bed from the moment I got home from work until I had to get up the next morning.

You've been working from home for a long time. It's going to take a while for you to get used to being in an office again. Plus it's a new position. Yeah, you have a lot to learn.

You have two things going on: and adjustment to a different style of working and a new position that requires you to learn new things. So yes, you need to decide if you want to be in this field, but I really think that your judgement is clouded right now by the polar difference in work environment that you are adjusting to.

Seesaw

I know the feeling. The exhaustion was the worst for me when I worked those three months in the office. I left the house at 6:45 every morning and got back at 5:45-6, sometimes later if traffic was bad.

I had no energy. All I wanted to do was sleep. on weekends.


I didn't cook as much, it was too tempting just to order sushi or pizza or whatever than deal with cooking, so I wasn't eating as well as I usually do.

Working in the office really didn't work for me after so many years working from home. That is why I want to keep my current job despite some of the problems; not many companies allow telecommuting here.


It sounds like this job at least has given you a better perspective on what you want and don't want to do going forward, so that is a positive. Now you can start to work towards a plan to figure out where you want to go from here. Good luck! I'm sure you can do it.

Everything is relative. I’d be in heaven if I had 20 minutes commute. I never in my life had such short commute. I think you could find some enjoyment if not having to drive much/waste time on the road/spend on gas etc

I think you might be unhappy with the whole situation because, to quote your own words, you aren’t very good at aspects of it and it’s not something you enjoy. If you “fudged” it before and now you actually have to know stuff that you don’t know well, then it’s only expected that you’d be anxious and dread it. I’d be very anxious if I didn’t know my job well.

I honestly rather go find something else, maybe go back to school, took loans and start something new etc My husband went to college second time in his 40s and obtained different career so he doesn’t have to be bored at work or dread it. Now he sure is never bored and enjoys it. Sure loans are through the roof but it was worthy

So you can either give it more time and enjoy your paycheck or change your career. Dreading to go to work every day isnt something I’d be willing to put up with for too long.

Thank you, everyone, for your input and support!

Seesaw, yes, you are right in that it is still adjustment period in a lot of ways for me -- both the learning curve and with being in an office again. Not to mention, being held accountable for a lot more than I've ever been.

Divine, yes, you are also right in that the things I have to learn I don't enjoy and will not enjoy learning..... for the most part. I say that with a caveat of knowing that I should know the technical aspects, so I will be happy to know them because I need to know them, but I am not happy about having to learn something I don't enjoy doing. Big SIGH. I just don't know how to feel. I can't go back to school and I cannot quit. I need the money, bottom line!!! But yeah, I don't feel good about struggling with the technical side of thing... it makes me doubt myself.

So, yeah, it's a mixed bag, and no, it hasn't been enough time for me to really jump to any firm conclusions, I suppose.

Rechu, I would love to still be working from home! I miss it sooooo very much!!!! ARGH!

I just returned from my work day and feel totally overwhelmed by the technical aspects. (We have a half day on Fridays in the summer). A colleague was teaching me two different technical applications I need to use, and bits of what he explained to me went so far over my head.

I will have to spend time tomorrow pouring over things I don't know.

On the flip side, I have been able to be really successful without knowing these things, so how important really are they in order to be a success? Hmmm... I've read that technical is important, but not as important as some other aspects, the aspects I DO understand and know.

So there's that, too.

Man, I think I need to lie down.

Seesaw, I wish so badly I could take naps at lunch!!! I have been sitting in my car instead over lunch, in the A/C, texting with my bf lol.

Well, you don't have to text with your BF. You could nap if you wanted to. Don't you live with him? Seems like you could talk to him when you get home from work if you really needed a rest on your lunch break.

Regarding learning new things...in no field are you going to get by without having to update and refresh your skills. And in no job will there not be tasks that you don't like. My work has numerous tasks I'm not super fond of, but I try to get them done quickly or early on in the week or day so they aren't looming out there. It's also helpful to acknowledge those particular tasks aren't our strong suit and reach out to co-workers for support, even if it's just to talk through the task.

I recall many complaints about your old job as well, even though you miss it now. It could be that a career change is in order. But I also caution you to work on your own expectations and work ethic and make sure this isn't a case of wanting some kind of reality that doesn't exist with a job - which is that you never have to further your knowledge or do things you don't like.

Personally, I love learning in general, so any new skill I can add to my resume or knowledge is appealing to me.

If you do pursue another field, I would be very careful to research what all is entailed and make sure that there isn't something you would not enjoy involved (although I really think that's impossible - no one 100% likes everything about their job).

Seesaw

In a word ..or two words .... "it's Friday" ...the whole world seems an easier place as you get to the end of the official work week .
I know a person who recently started a challenging new role . After 4 weeks they were sure they would fail and were in panic . 4 months after that they were given an award for high achievement in that role ...and now they feel satisfaction in it .
Sure if they won the lottery I don't think they would keep going to that job , but just hang in , it's is most likely to get easier .

Honestly it’s really very hard to find kind of jobs where you can freely text or check forums, don’t need to learn new skills, dont have to commute, don’t have to speak in front of others, can work from home etc AND get paid enough. It’s not realistic.

I know you said you miss your previous job, but they kept cutting your hours and you couldn’t even pay bills and support yourself. So it’s really not an option.

I wonder since you are in your late 40s you likely have many years of working behind you. Like at least 25 years. Did you always work in the same field? Full time? 40 hours a week? Different jobs? Different fields? Didn’t work full time? It’s just surprising that you are upset over mundane thing like not being able to text boyfriend (many jobs don’t even allow phone in the building) or having to shower in the morning and learn new things .

Now if you can’t work in the office for health reasons, it’s understandable. You might want to look for job from home. But working from home doesn’t mean you can just fudge it and don’t have to be challenged or held accountable. My brother works from home but he has no time to text no one either. If he has to do something during the day that isn’t work related then he works all night.

The only jobs that are laid back and no demands are very low pay-minimum wages. You can’t live on that

Yes, very true, Divine. I work from home but I also cannot text or take personal calls during business hours. Because I am working, and time is money. If I don't accomplish my work during the work day, then I have to work at night or on weekends.

I do work from home but that doesn't mean I don't have to talk to people or run meetings, etc. I just have to do all that through teleconferencing. And I frequently have to pick up new skills to do my job. With every single client I have to, at the very least, learn about their organization. But usually I have to learn their style guide, procedures, etc. I am currently in the middle of a course on leadership that I'm going to LA for in a week. It's an ontological model, which has really required me to stretch myself.

I'm just noticing a pattern of unhappiness with work, Golden_Eve, so I wonder if there is a greater issue at work here that needs to be addressed with your T?

Not trying to put you on the defensive, just noticing this pattern and wanting to communicate that. I do know it can be just bad luck, but I noticed that with myself, when I went through a string of ill-fitting positions, that caused me to be unhappy, that when I looked back I could see how I also contributed to those ill-fits.

Seesaw

Et tu,Brute

I do understand the feeling of dread going to work though. It happened to me. I used every sick day I had, I just disliked it that much, luckily it wasn’t long term. And my daughter once quit a totally great sounding job where she was actually promoted within few months of starting it. Still it was a dreadful vicious place, which she hated it. She was willing to take a pay cut so she didn’t have to work there. It’s understandable.

It’s also understandable to vent and be disillusioned or dissapointed with work: no raises, bad management, crappy benefits etc

But I am just concerned with recurring pattern here. And if you dread your job that much from the start, how many years you’d manage like this?

I personally think that this field is just not suited for you. You complained about job last year that it’s too hard for you and you kind of hated it too. That was your job from home. And years ago you mentioned that over the years you were mistreated at every job and had a hard time at every job. It appears to be the same field you are in now. It does sound like the entire career path might be not suitable for you. Just bad fit.

Life is too short and we spend so many years/days/hours working so dreading work every day or finding job too hard is just not something one needs to endure imo.

In response,

I love learning new things, so that is not the problem. I am constantly reading articles, doing tutorials online and earning professional certifications, all on my own. I complete at least one professional certification per year. I am very self-motivated in that way and am self-driven. I don't have a weak work ethic either. Generally, I have a very strong work ethic. I have worked mainly full-time all my life, except over the last ten years, I was freelancing at times while in school and then also contracting part-time when I left school because that's all I could get.

As a couple of you are pointing out, the field may be the problem, not my motivation to learn or my work ethic.

My old job I had a boss who severely bullied me. She impacted my motivation at work. That is why I did not like that job. My most recent job I liked and that's the one I am bemoaning leaving. I had it pretty cushy in that job, but I knew if I am going to progress in my field, that I needed to be around other colleagues in order to grow, hence why I took my present job.

I had the luxury of texting my bf then. I am not used to my monitor being watched by everyone in the room. I have not dealt with that situation since 2006. I am also not used to working my butt off all day for eight hours straight again without taking breaks. It's an adjustment and it's a challenge. But that is work, I know, and I will adjust eventually to working full-time again.

The problem may be the field itself. It is a very challenging field to work in. The other problem is that I have dealt with so many challenges personally, that it is hard right now to take on new challenges at work that are extremely stressful.

Yes, it may be the field, but I am not sure. There are aspects I like, too. But in this new role, they heavily emphasize the technical, and that I am not used to, and that's what I don't like.

I know there are things we don't like about any job or field we choose. And I know full well that in most jobs, you cannot text your bf all day. I am not 20 years old. I am 47, I have worked all of my life. I am well aware of this.

What I am trying to figure out now is whether I should take another certification but in another area of interest. My current company is willing to move people around if they are not in the right position in the company. So I am already planting seeds so that that may happen down the road.

The area I am interested in is where the company is moving. It also involves a lot of technical knowledge, but it involves a lot of creativity too, which I love to use because I am a highly creative thinker. My current role allows for some of that, but since it seems to emphasize the technical, I am not that thrilled. It is too soon to decide, and mainly I have been venting because it's harder for me (the technical concepts are hard for me to grasp) and because it's an adjustment. As it is, I am going to do 2-3 technical tutorials online today, Sat, on my day off. I am going to tackle the challenge head on and learn what I need to learn in order to succeed in this job, no matter what.

Well, sounds like you have a plan to flesh things out as you go. Seems like you'll figure out where you want to be.

Thanks, and yes I suppose I do. I still will probably need to vent though.

Venting about work is a given! Vent away.

thanks, Divine.

If you don't mind golden_eye, it sounds like your biggest challenge is low self esteem. That is why you had/have a desire to touch base with the BF because you have a need to have some kind of presence that comforts your anxiety that comes from having low self esteem and anxiety about somehow "failing". The main challenge is about the discomfort of being in a work environment and possibly anticipating a presence that will be negative like you experienced with that boss that was a bit of a bully.

It is challenging when learning the more technical things, not because you can't learn them or even that you don't like that aspect of this job, what is really challenging about it is that when you are struggling with feeling "safe" in this new environment, having to focus and learn new skills is harder, this is especially true when it comes to learning new technology and how this new technology is now very much intertwined into a lot of job fields.

Now, when I talk about low self esteem golden_eye, I am not finding fault with you or your intelligence or ability at all. Instead I am talking about the things you have shared that encouraged you to feel unsure of yourself, to feel vulnerable and unsafe. You have been trying VERY HARD to work through a lot of experiences where someone "toxic" challenged you in some way and left you feeling unappreciated or not truly valued or respected. Anxiety and discomfort comes from the subconscious primitive mind and trying to work one's way around that challenge is in itself very challenging. This is because you "have experienced" things that threatened your personal sense of safety along with your personal ability to handle individuals that were controlling or confrontational or did not have the ability to respect "you" as a person. Because of this, one of the things you struggle with is "anticipation" anxiety. Even when someone tells you that you are doing well, a part of you is not really comforted because in your past that was probably said to you before and yet that other person was not really being "genuine". You did develop some codependent behavior patterns because of this, this was not your fault either, it was simply something you developed so you could at least have some sense of control. Well, that only works for just so long because eventually when someone is toxic codependent reactions become futile.

You are trying very hard to develop a sense of "safety" in this new work environment. That alone is a challenge. When a person is working on that it's not unusual to prefer doing things in a manor that a person already knows. It's harder to learn "new" things because the conscious mind tends to be distracted and is more focused on "history and finding a sense of safety". New things "can" be learned but it has to happen "slowly and gradually". A part of you actually has an awareness of this because often what you like to do is learn new things when you are home or in an environment you feel safe in and also have the ability to take "time" to learn a new skill. When someone has ptsd challenges, that person will have a desire to have an environment where they don't feel distracted or challenged so that person can focus on developing some "new" skills. Why is this so?

Well, with human beings and even all mammals tbh, the biggest fear all have is "fear of the unknown". With human beings overall, this also happens to be THE MOST MARKETABLE where an offer of some kind of certainty becomes desirable. Individuals who bully tend to be individuals who have a lot of fear, however, they have learned how to get around this challenge by practicing intimidation techniques that often include finding ways to blame others for THEIR own insecurities and mistakes. However, they also get good at "praising" because they KNOW this results in them also getting their needs met as well. Unfortunately, a lot of these type of individuals end up in authority positions because of how they get good at creating a "codependent" atmosphere. This tends to bring a sense of "known" that as I have mentioned is so marketable and desirable. When you talk about your work environment using a new technology that observes how employees spend their time and can tell if different employees are texting or are not actually working on their job? This is not really there to harm you or intimidate you personally, it's more about "something that provides a KNOWN". This is set up where an employer doesn't have to "guess" if workers are focusing on their work, instead this technology offers them a way of actually "knowing" instead. You would like it if you were the employer who needs to make sure the money spent on "labor" is not being wasted. However, when it comes to being the one monitored, it can feel intrusive and unsettling. However, it can provide one with a sense of safety too because this also takes away from how available one can be when it comes to them being bullied too. That is because if you ARE working and trying hard and doing your job and that is being disrupted by a "negative" personality, that is not going to work well for that negative personality who is in fact interrupting productivity and having an employee that is committed and loyal to doing a good job. Always remember "productive employees" always have VALUE. So, when someone compliments you, it really can be a genuine compliment in that your effort is being recognized in a new way. This is due to a new "known" that has been slowly becoming part of a lot of work environments. Also, golden_eye, the one thing that is also a "known" is that you are not the only person that can be challenged when it comes to adapting to "new" technological advances either. Actually, a lot of the people that are in high positions that literally run our very country are BEHIND when it comes to adapting to the constant growing development of all our technological advances. That doesn't take away from their overall knowledge and value and experience that is very essential to what all these different individuals do that is still very important.

You have been most definitely making an effort to learn and grow as a person. You have been exposed to individuals that challenged you, you have practiced codependency because it was simply what worked for you when it came to thriving with toxic individuals that had trained you long before you had any ability to understand this way of adaptation and how it can be unhealthy for you. All it provided you with is some sense of "a known" and that's how we ALL thrive best, even when it's in an unhealthy scenario.

What you have been sharing is that with this new job there is some "stress" and for you that tends to be magnified because of what your personal history and the "unknown" has meant to you in your past. This affects a person's "self esteem" which is basically one's ability to have "trust in self". You have been working very hard at trying to build this "self trust". It's understandable that "unknowns" are still extra challenging for you.
This makes you vulnerable to selling yourself short. So in that it's important that you develop not only an awareness of this but also learning ways to develop "patience with self" even when you face these challenging "unknowns". It's ALWAYS a challenge when it comes to moving forward where a person steps out of their own "comfort zone".

Wow, my dear Open Eyes, thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts and insights. I always appreciate your posts immensely.

I will try to respond to all of what you said, but it's a lot to take in at once and respond to at once.

Oh, and for one, they're not watching what I do with my time using technology. Correction there. My monitor is now visible to everyone in the room, so what I do at work is completely, fully visible.

So...... yes, I have PTSD issues and past trauma from abusive, bully bosses. I've had about 4-5 of them in my career. And yes, my fear of the unknown is pretty intense and strong. And yes, I agree that I have some self-esteem issues, probably stemming partially from my abusive bosses who tried to put me down and squash my talent.

I am not so much afraid of more abuse in this current job. I don't get the sense that anyone there is toxic in that way. It's very much a team oriented, family-like close knit environment. Everyone has been very nice and helpful as well as welcoming towards me.

One issue I face is that my colleagues more junior to me seem to know a whole lot more than me -- at least technically speaking, and in some ways within the job/field itself.

I have a title of "senior strategist" whereby I am supposed to be mentoring those more junior to me, however, I don't see how that is even possible, given that they actually seem to know more than me.

So I am suffering from low self-esteem in my job and feeling like I don't deserve this title. I have a LOT of catching up to do...... and I will have to do this on own time and off work hours.

The downside of having worked on my own, from home, and alone in my field is I missed out on gaining important skills and knowledge that is only gained by working with others in an office. That has hurt me in my career. So that is the situation I now face. I have to catch up.

Now either I acknowledge this to my superiors, or I silently catch up and don't admit to it. That's the other issue/challenge I face. Do I fake it or do I own up to it to my superiors?

Another part of it is I will have to give client presentations in front of both clients and colleagues. I have not done that before and I physically shake when I have to present and speak in front of groups. That is a component of my PTSD..... my anti-anxiety meds help though with this.

As far as co-dependency goes, I probably have been co-dependent, but I believe I have moved out of that phase now.

On the flip side, each day I go to work, I try to remind myself of the three qualities I own that have helped me to always succeed: I am very intelligent & can figure out the most complex of issues, I am self-motivated and driven to succeed, and I am willing to learn.

That being said, yes, it is easy to want to fall back on my comfort zone of what I do know --- however, I am very open to new approaches, new processes, new strategies, and new technologies that I must know and learn.

I have to hand in a 30, 60 and 90-day strategic plan to my boss for a client on Monday. I did my best at it, but I did fall back on more of what I know right now.

How can I not? I only know what I know right now, but I also wove in some new tactics that I didn't know before coming to this job.

As far as my self-esteem goes, I know I need to remind myself all the time of the above qualities. That is what will get me through this challenge.

I even reviewed a past job that was the most challenging job to date, and I succeeded there, when it was all unknown and new to me, as well as highly technical.

In my current role, so far, they've told me I'm doing a great job with everything I've handed in. That is very comforting and helps my self-esteem.

So, I do need to work on my self-esteem, my PTSD, and my fears of the unknown and of new challenges.

I have done it before within each job I've held, and I will do it again this time. I will have to rise to the challenge and take it on, fully.

Thank you......

This is really important. You have been learning new things from this job and have been applying them to what you already know.

Even though you feel the individuals you are working with know more than you do? What matters more is that you have the ability to not only learn from them, but you can be an encouraging presence to them as well. Senior strategist doesn't have to always have "all" the knowledge either, often what is more important is being able to recognize the positive contributions these workers you are mentoring are presenting to you and being a presence that validates, respects and encourages. It's OK if you are learning some things from these individuals and truth be told, that tends to happen a lot anyway when dealing with younger minds full of ideas and imaginations that are fresh in very much reflecting "that" particular generation. Remember how you saw things an old boss was not willing to see and how after you left that job what you had warned ended up happening? Well, that actually was an important lesson that you can utilize in this job where you are more willing to have an open mind with these other workers that you feel have more skills than you do.

So far you have had positive feedback, so go with that instead of feeling you have to approach your superiors with feelings that you are not qualified. Give yourself time to learn and adjust. Sometimes the most valuable asset golden_eye is a presence that fits good in the group environment that you have described as being a nice "friendly" environment. Actually, I think you really will benefit from this kind of environment.

I’d try to teach myself or take a class trying to catch up. I’d not fake it but also wouldn’t really say that I don’t know something that i am supposed to know. If after awhile you still feel you can’t catch up, I’d tell supervisors that you feel you need more training and maybe someone can mentor you.

Thank you, OE, you make some very valid and important points! I will keep this in mind, or I will try to at least!

TY, Divine.

Part of my problem is a very poor memory. I have read and been taught SO much in this field, but then I forget the specifics constantly, so I constantly need to refresh myself. And in my field, there's so many specific details to know and understand.

Which circles back to the question: am I in the wrong field?

Perhaps you don’t remember it because you just don’t have particular interest or connection to it. Like I can never memorize phone numbers or addresses because I just can’t care less. But I’d never forget things that have meaning for me. Not saying you don’t care about your job but you might not care about those specifics. So you can’t memorize

Do you need to actually memorize all of it or you can look it up? Do your meds effect your memory?

I don't remember things well at all, which is why I write things down. If I have a meeting, I get the agenda and bring all the relevant information. If I cannot recall it on the spot, and I failed to bring that info, I simply say 'I do not have that info off the top of my head but I know I have some info back at my computer, so I will follow-up and share that information." No one ever gets mad at that. People are human. You are human. You simply have to be prepared to follow-up if you don't know something or have something.

Seesaw